We rush into things when they’re perfect, and that’s what ruins everything. I’ve realized that I actually don’t know anything and neither does anyone else. We barely know ourselves, how can we trust anything outside of that? Everything always changes, the best thing we can do is sit back and watch it become what it’s meant to be. Worry will kill you while you’re still alive. The secret to a long life is patience. 

     Love and life are the same exact thing. I consciously measure the pros and cons of each opportunity that lays on my place and every man all up in my face. I can’t count how many pieces I’ve written trying to claw my way to love but that, in itself, should tell you that I don’t have all of the answers. All I have is one question:

   You’ll never catch me stressed out. I called my mom this morning, and she told me Salle Mae’s been calling. Truth is, Sallie Mae aint getting a penny until the rest of my life is paid off. Perhaps this isn’t the most financially savvy move, but what I need is a raise. Meanwhile, I cut my phone off and am saving and extra $120 a month –with which I bought a bistro set and am working on my garden. I cry because I’m human and feel emotion, but crying or yelling about dealings with a man?  You won’t catch me. Worried about where some man is? You won’t catch me. Wasting my time calling up some man’s phone? You won’t catch me. The real issue most women can’t find the “right” guy is because you continue to make exceptions, allowing undeserving men into your life just so that you won’t be lonely. The same way men choose the pretty girl to date, just to have her, women date random men, simply for company. They say that when you know, you know. If you don’t know, why would you involve yourself?

         I’m lonely, but I think God for it. I’m not perfect, but I hold my head with pride. I sometimes feel like I’m doing too much by not doing anything at all. When people ask me for advice, I give them the ideal answer –the best answer I can come up with– but they respond as if I’m asking for too much. I can’t say that I’m perfect, but I’m trying to get as close as possible. & If I can help you be more perfect than I am, so be it. Sometimes life isn’t about correct, it’s about being appropriate. You don’t have to be the perfect person to be perfect for a job, or to be perfect for love. The most beautiful thing about both careers and relationships is that both institutions are looking for particulars that are perfect for them, not in respect to the world. Lyfe Jennings’ “Statistics” is the best song for this in his lyrics laying instruction for , “Don’t be a nickle out here looking for a dime”. If you’re not bringing enough to the table, you aren’t going to get what you came for. Either you’re not ready to put your bid in, or you’re at the wrong table.

        Perhaps the issue isn’t that perfect isn’t possible, but people aren’t willing to work for it. If you want perfect. you have to be perfect. If you want to score 100% on an exam, you have to get all the questions right. It seems to me that people want perfect, but don’t want to answer the questions. If you take a moment to consider that perfect person/job you want, think about what their perfect candidate would be because it might not be you. This isn’t to say that it will never  be you, but you have to be realistic about where you stand.  If you want a 6-figure corporate job, expect to be worked to the bone and earn that cash. If you want a relationship where a person respects, desires, uplifts, supports and cares about you, you have to be willing to do the same. This also goes for moral standards. Most women want a man who will do A-Z, but you’ve slept with a man who’s name starts with the letters A-Z. If you want the best out of your life, it isn’t just about the things you do and what you bring to the table. How long it all lasts depends on who you are and what that table is built from in the first place.

         Loneliness and desperation can rob you of all you were meant to have. If you’re worried about keeping a man or a job, there is a reason behind it. No good company and no good man would let their most valuable person go. We’ve got to be honest about that. & if you are  valuable and being let go, then there should still be no worry because your references will back you up. If those guys really weren’t worth your time and didn’t deserve you, there’s no reason to stress it. Still, as a cognitive being, I’d pray you’d take note of whatever went wrong last time and make sure it’s not in your next relationship. Yes, we do have to be wiser. Perhaps even a bit more cut-throat. You can’t give all these niggas a chance, honestly. The real about that is that every guy you let in is another guy. We can debate double standards but the fact of it is, it is what it is. When you meet someone, what they’re measuring you up with is, not only their past, but anything that might present itself in the future. Whatever details follow you along will have to be addressed and the person has to say “Can I deal with that?” The trick to this is, if you work on yourself to be the kind of woman your ideal man would want, you have nothing to worry about. But you must be patient if you still aren’t that ideal woman. The answer is not to lower your expectations, but to improve your situation.

        The issue with waiting for “The One,” is that it takes a long time to wait while the rest fail. Here’s the truth: Most likely, the path to the one you’re mean to be with, to the goals you aim to accomplish, is very long and very lonely –and they’re supposed to be. It’s amusing to me how we can search for “The One” and Soul Mates” and expect them to come so easily in a world full of billions of beings. Meanwhile, you’re soul mate is somewhere on the other side of the world and you’re sitting back, stressed about the wrong person. NOTE: If it’s stressful, it doesn’t fit. Anything that brings you stress is not meant to be. It’s doesn’t fit. We fit this stress into our lives and make exceptions. Then, when that very same thing goes wrong, we feel poorly about ourselves. It is so much better to be happy and happiness is worth any cost. Happiness simply takes a long time to achieve, especially complete happiness. If life is as long as we hope it’ll be (I’m rooting for 100+) we have a bit of time to find ourselves. If your relationships in the moment aren’t working out the way you want them to, remember two things: 1.) Make use of the time at hand and 2.) There is always more time.

       When you’re at your loneliest, find yourself. There will be nights he doesn’t respond and nights when no one responds. During those nights, what do you do? You can call someone else, but if you’re waiting on Mr. Right, how right does it make you to look for entertainment elsewhere? Will your loneliness always drive you to find attention elsewhere? Be patient in your search for the right one as it’ll train you to be patient with him. Not everything will go right in your relationship (or so they say) and you won’t always be side-by-side with that person. Instead of having to get into a relationship and fighting and fussing to learn that, maybe you can try to swallow that pill and accept it to being with? Our ability to deal with the difficult affects the outcome of those testing situations. If you are impatient in finding your man, you may be impatient with other things in your relationship. In any relationship, patience is key. You’ve got to learn who that person is an decide what you will or will not deal with. Finding “The One” isn’t about finding anyone and making them perfect, it’t about finding the perfect person and dealing with whatever happens afterwards.

         Use your time. While no one is texting or calling you, instead of scrolling through your contacts trying to find entertainment, do what you need to do. Get some errands done. Work on that business plan you’ve been meaning to work on. A true love will fit into your life seamlessly, without disrupting your schedule or your progress. This way, you can continue to be yourself and continue to love yourself. Sometimes we feel disregarded or unloved because we’re not getting attention from someone else, but every time you need attention from someone else, ask yourself why you won’t give that attention to yourself. If all it takes is a bottle of wine and a pair of shoes to make you happy, can’t you do that for yourself?

   
     Love and befriend yourself. Love should come from everywhere, not just an intimate relationship. Take your time to get to know people, as well as to learn to love people.  Move calmly. Don’t expect anything from your relationships, allow them to turn into what they’re destined to be –some are distined to last forever, others aren’t. Some of us (especially strong women of color) are so bold, driven and busy we don’t have time for ourselves and expect someone else to pay attention to us and treat us like ladies. But you’ve got to be willing to put in the work on your end. If there’s something you think is “wrong” with you, either fix it or love it boldly. Same comes for men. If there’s something you don’t like about him, either love him or leave him alone. Stop with the drama. Stop with the forcing relationships because you’re lonely.  If you want something that feels natural and just happens and the stars align… you’ve got to wait for them to align.

ELLA

P.S.
        Trust me if you want to. Don’t if you don’t. Sometimes I write these in order to keep my own head high. If I don’t believe in my own dreams, no one else will. It’s disheartening that I have to call these dreams. Love shouldn’t be a dream but, in my opinion, we don’t work heard enough for it. This world is full of temptations. We do things we know isn’t right. We involve ourselves with the wrong people knowing where it will end up. As a writer, I put it all into words the nicest way possible but… if you haven’t found the one, there are probably things you have to improve of yourself, and some of these things, only time can change. You must be patient with yourself as well as patient the world. If you rush the baking process, the cake simply doesn’t come out right. I think we all need to slow down and stop stressing ourselves out so much. Love is important, but that comes form family and friends as well. If you’re rushing to be in a relationship, you might just be taken hold by the physical sensations of it. If you can learn to ignore the physical, you can really fall in love with a person which might help with the state of your overall relationship. What are you really looking for? I suggest you move with patience and give yourself time to find that out.

Never stress, tho. Stress is never good.