“Don’t sit around and wait,” he said.

         I glanced around the room and watched everyone pretend they weren’t waiting for my response. No eye contact means you can’t read whether or not they agree. They were half pretending not to be in the conversation at all –and justifiably so. When someone asks you a question, it’s rarely because they need an answer, they simply want to know what you think. When I ask a question, it’s so that I can understand the world’s expectations in order to surpass them. You see, my love life is in perfect shambles, and I’m trying to figure out how to keep it that way: Mine.

         I rarely ask questions because, when I do, people rarely know how to respond. Regardless of whether or not I agree, all I want is the truth. I suppose I only ask questions to see who has the gall to lie to my face. All the answers I need, I already have. Life, to me, is a science. Everything that happens is merely additional proof of the theories I already hold. I’m often correct, #AskAboutMe.  It has nothing to do with people in particular, nor with feeling like I’m above anyone, it’s just that people don’t know how to communicate. The worst conversations to have are secret arguments – when the parties involved aren’t trying to resolve anything, just listening for reason to cut the other person’s throat. Why is everyone is on the defensive?
I guess there really ain’t no love in the city –mostly because there’s no heart.

       I believe that the most important factor in decision making in your “love” life should be based on “love” itself. The first person I asked was my best friend. If you’re asking someone for advice on your life, make sure that person has you on a pedestal. This is what our parents do for us. They expect the world for their children, and your friends should expect the world for you. These people are going to care about you more than you care about yourself, and sometimes you need that to separate you from your own desperation and restlessness (whether in business or pleasure). I have a habit of making myself “normal” and falling victim to “The Exceptions“. As much as I think I deserve, I always tell myself, “I can do that for myself,” and “I don’t need someone to…” because I actually don’t need anyone for a damn thing. What I forget is that even though I don’t need anyone to do things for me, I still deserve it.
        What exactly do I deserve? “You don’t deserve everything you think you do,” he yelled through the speaker… The memory of When He Left Me plagues me everyday. It’s not that I’m not over him it’s that I couldn’t believe the bullshit coming out of his mouth. I’m not over how wrong he was. Is it that I didn’t deserve what I wanted, or that he couldn’t provide it? I was a girl with dreams –dreams I’m accomplishing today. He, a school teacher and part-time DJ (don’t ask me what he does now), once brought up the idea of my moving to New York and possibly finding something/someone new. He’d been in Maryland a couple of years after graduating and, frankly, I’m a big-city kinda girl. I’m actually thankful that ended because it would have stunted everything I’ve become today. Sadly enough, I was willing to sit around and wait for him… Waiting has the tendency to break hearts. What I’ve realized is that what deserve most is someone who won’t do that.
         It seems to me that some men can’t handle the weight of  a woman’s dreams. Especially if your goals are loftier than his. Then, because he doesn’t have the drive or ethic to go out and get his, he determines that what you want is actually too much. It’s tough to work your ass off for things  another person wants if you don’t want them yourself. The truth is, not everything is made for everyone.  My toughest battle is deciding what to expect from men. I’ve decided I shouldn’t expect anything ever. The guy who gives me what I need, without my asking shall be the victor. The only way to know if you should hang around is if  your end goals are the same as his. If you want the same things out of life, you might just be on the same path. If you are on the same path, why rush? Enjoy the sights. If you’re not on the same path, where exactly do you think you’re headed? .
     “We’re not at the age where I’m just going to date to date. If there’s not a possibility for marriage, I don’t have the time,” That might have been what Britt said… or damned near it. I am in love with her. She’s smart, gorgeous, confident and resilient. She was a freshman when I was a senior in college. 4 years later, I respect her more than most people I know. An AKA with every fiber of her being, pursing a career in law… I know, for a fact, this girl is going to help me rule the world. I’ve heard her stories of dealing with normal drama that comes with life and the issues in her own relationship (with a guy whom I also adore because of how well he treats her) and sometimes I sit back, amazed, at how brilliantly she handles the situations —before speaking with me. She is a real life example of what I think an amazing girlfriend is. I only hear Brittany’s advice because it comes from a solid place within herself. Still, I take note that that’s Brittany. That’s not me.  Her relationship, as beautiful as it is, is not mine.
          “So what happens years from now? If he’s ‘the one’ you’ll met him and he can ask you anything he wants. What happens is, either I fucked around or I didn’t.” My loyalty holds me hostage. I understand “not waiting around” but I just watched LOL (w/ Miley Cyrus) last night (judge me) and it told me everything (judge me again). When her boyfriend comes back after summer break, he says he hooked up with some girl. To “get even” Miley says that she slept with someone, too. The only thing this does is that it gets her called a “hoe” in the mean high-school hallways *shrugs* If it were true, it simply would have been true. The fact is, love is supposed to be without reason. When you love a person you love a person. Some people just want company. If you think that you can attract someone by being with another person, realize the type of relationship your soliciting. Not only do you end up losing the person you “loved” but your self-respect as well. I’ve learned the hard way that when a temptations works, it works; leading you in the completely wrong direction, for which you will be judged. If you feel like you need to fill your time with random people… and you think the advice to see other people is bearable, I would question whether you’re actually in love… or just lonely.
         I don’t want to mess around. I think life is longer than we think (or it should be), so I’m trying to avoid as much bullshit as possible. I don’t want to get with someone now and then get bored. I don’t want them to get bored. I also don’t want to tie a man down before he’s ready and still wondering where the greenest grass is. “He’s gotta roam. I just have to wait for everyone else to fail,” was my response. I believe the detriment to all relationships lies in one issue: Insecurity. I’ve said it before and I’ve say it as many times as I have to: Hoes exist. Also, shit happens. I think the worst thing you can do is get into any relationship (business, romance or platonic) and think that there will be no road bumps. I believe that if you truly want a relationship to work, you have to anticipate those obstacles and plan for them.  Sometimes, the only answer is to avoid it all, in full. You might not be able to avoid every hill and valley, but there might be a way around it if you take the time to look for it. The world would be much easier if you could believe the things people said. It would be a piece of cake if you could actually monitor a person’s true feelings; the ones they’re scared to share. 
        I don’t like to lose. In the case it feels like I’m losing, I turn it into a win –seems impossible? (I’ll probably do it twice.) I’m 25 years old. I don’t have a driver or a body guard and I don’t live in a castle –that means I have shit to do. If that seems extravagant to you, that’s probably because you aren’t me (let’s get used to that). Instead of sitting around wondering whether or not Prince Charming will get his shit together, I’ve got to get mine together. Just like any other royal story, there is more than one Prince and more than one Princess. Yet, the story remains the same. The Prince is always a gentleman and the Princess is a sweetheart. I just play my role. If this isn’t the right Prince for me, perhaps it is another (richer more handsome) one. If this is my Prince, there will never be richer, more handsome one –at least not in my eyes. Anytime I feel alone, worried (which I do), it doesn’t last long. I take those “alone” times and work on whatever it is I need to do. If ever I worry, I pray for God to relieve me of that– worry gets you nowhere and nothing but faith can cure it; you’re free to choose your own name for “God”. If ever I feel insecure, I take measures to prove to myself why I shouldn’t be –sometimes I play with my makeup, sometimes I write a really dope post. I take this “free” time to make myself a beautiful person inside and out because a man has nothing to do with that.
     Desperation kills women. Lying with men just for the sensation merely gives pieces of yourself away. Double standards exist and trying to fight them by sleeping around won’t make you a martyr. Sometimes, you’ve just got to let things rock and be as normal as possible. If it’s “meant to be” it simply will be. If not, it’ll all fade away and you’ll be glad you didn’t spend time pining over it. At the end of the day, you want to be the woman your man wants you to be –which should really just be you being yourself. Sometimes, obstacles put in your path are so that you can both see how the other will react. Allowing yourselves to be partners in the battle might give you a bit of history, confidence and security in your future. You don’t need to jump into everything as soon as it happens just so that you can hold onto him. Love never wavers. If he’s the one, he’ll be there. The one thing that frightens men is being chased… so let that boy roam. Don’t worry your pretty little head off. Instead, put on your best lingerie and your newest heels and be pretty for you. You might even throw an apron on and make your best meal for you. Treat yourself the way you should be treated. You don’t have to wait on anyone to be as fabulous as you’re meant to be.
        I’m all about loyalty. & if you aren’t loyal for the sake of being loyal –for personal respect — then what would make you loyal? What does it take? If you want to be with someone, act accordingly. Earn it. Your situation will be different from everyone else’s because you aren’t anyone else. If it all goes to shit, at least you won’t be the one to blame. Be the perfect girlfriend –even if you aren’t his girlfriend. Whether or not he’s “into” you. It won’t hurt. It’s actually just practice for the real thing. Remember, that what matters most is usually what people say after everything has ended. Don’t make it your fault. The only things you have to keep in mind are the following:
Does he respect you?
Does he make you happy?
Does he love you?
       If he does all these things… what more do you want? Why change things? What does a “girlfriend” title do for the relationship except provide a response for Are We Dating Yet? Besides “require” him to pick up your calls? Please note… I didn’t ask whether or not he fucks you. Not only is a relationship more than that, but that’s no one’s business. Some women just want to be in a relationship to justify a sexual exchange. I agree with Britt on the marriage thing. “Wife” is really the only title that matters. If you aren’t married, you’re single, right? I don’t do boyfriends –they think they’re entitled to everything except paying rent. I date… I do. But when you love that’s for one person… and sometimes it takes a couple dates with someone you don’t love for you to recognize who you do love. You can only sit across the table with someone, thinking about someone else but for so long. So I’d rather be at my kitchen table, feeding my dog scraps.
Lemme get this castle, boo. I’ll let the drawbridge down when you decide to come home.
*shrugs* That’s just how I feel, tho.
ELLA ❤