I can’t get over myself. Some people confuse it with conceit, but I wake up me everyday. F*ck you expect? This is the first “current” post I’ve done in a while. Meanwhile, I’m pushing everything else aside. As you continue to read, you’ll understand why.
I’m here for the money. Living luxurious is something I’ve always wanted and if it’s simply a matter of earning it, then I’m for it. This only become a problem when other people decide that what I’ve decided has an effect on them. Bizarre since everyday I go home, I go home to myself. And every 1st of the month, it’s me at the post office mailing off my rent. Everybody has everything to do with your life, but they won’t put their name on that bill.
I’m re-invigorated with truth. I just read a post on Twitter about how we “invite” the world into our lives and, why the fuck not? Doesn’t make much of a difference anyway. People have a miniscule affect on my life whether I acknowledge them or not. No one lives for you. When people decide to participate in your life, I don’t think it’s wise to acknowledge them. Frankly, you have no idea what another person is going to do. Everyone I meet has these grandiose dreams about doing A, B and C, but unless they’re doing it… what really do you have to go on?
People speak too much. The funnest parts of my day is when people come over to my desk to tell me shit that A. I already know or B. they could have emailed me about. Why are you here? That’s the question I’ve been asking of myself as well as to those around me: Why are you here. “When am I gonna see you again,” he texted me this morning. Last night, he claimed the tupperware I let him borrow weeks ago prompted him to text me. I understand. It’s pink. It obviously doesn’t belong to you, but if you think that’s going to be an excuse to come over, you’ve got me twisted and fucked up. After I stop speaking to someone on that level, I don’t know why they continue to linger. I couldn’t do it. I feel cold shoulders and keep it pushin. But really, the issue is, what do you want from me?
“You have nothing to say to me,” I had told him. I wasn’t trying to be rude. I was trying to be very honest. I had made dinner. Fettucini Alfredo. Grilled Chicken. Broccoli. For the hour I walked around the kitchen, he had nothing to say to me. He laid on my bed and literally stared at the ceiling. Not to say I need full conversation… or perhaps he was just that comfortable (already) but… hello. We had nothing to talk about. Once the facts were out, that was it. We shared music once… but other than that… I’m not sure what he’s needed for. I could’ve cooked and ate with Duchess as I usually do. We’d have sat in silence. Duchess pays just as many bills as these niggas do, except she scares away mice and bugs. She’s actually more of an asset in my life. Still, just because you take me out…. *shrugs*
Truth: The following weekend, he wanted to come back over. Basically, he wanted me to play “wifey” with no reciprocation. For a woman who works 9:30 to 7pm on weekdays, runs an online magazine, takes care of her own house and home and… is plotting to take over the world… I deserve dinner. I deserve to be offered a moment to relax. That’s what people don’t see. You take the time to care for them, they sit back and enjoy… but never do they consider caring for you. Niggas think that dinner & gifts are about the money. But only broke niggas think that. Dumb niggas just don’t think. Before the first time he visited, I sent him a message saying “I don’t like niggas to lay up in my crib. Don’t get used to it.” All he wanted to do was be in my shit. I stopped picking up his calls. Once you understand the beauty of yourself and learn to enjoy your own company, you’ll notice that “lonely” bullshit is exactly that. If you need company because you’re lonely, it’s because you don’t even you think you’re fun. I like me. Only thing I like more is money.
“Money” is the honest term for “success”. I meet people all the time who tell me that they’re not interested in fame or fortune. I don’t like to extend the conversation much because only time will tell that. Or we’ll see how they feel when fame & fortune comes. Or doesn’t. I’ve decided that dating doesn’t pay the bills (not for me at least), so I’ve got to get my hands dirty in other things. I decided last Thursday I want to be in shows. I have a shoot tonight at 7:30, a test shoot Saturday at 3pm, a show rehearsal Saturday at 8pm and a meeting Sunday at 5. If you want to do something, do it. Everything you stop and wonder how and try to plot out some marketing scheme, you lose time. You have to realize that only you are going to make that happen. People aren’t going to help you, and if they do, they’re just watching to count the pennies in your pocket. If they don’t count your pennies, keep them close & break them off –That’s love. I’m weary of my “supporters”. I appreciate it all, but you know I’m 1000% real. If you’re here with me & fuck with me because I’m me, blessings to you. Because I can’t change this. This is me. This isn’t a gimmick or a sales pitch. I have no idea what else to do expect be myself.
I’m only interested in genuine shit. I don’t mind giving or spending time, but when I do, I do because I want to. I’ll also do it if I’m paid, but you can’t pay me to do what I don’t want to do. I own myself and can’t no amount of money say otherwise. Can’t no amount of money cause me to disrespect myelf: That is most important. As I’ve been reaching out to photographers and promoters, seems everyone wants me to take my clothes off. A woman’s body is a marvelous thing. Sometimes, it’s not even about what you do, but how. To be a woman of virtue is a blessing. To maintain that overtime is a feature worthy of celebration. I’m only interested in being myself. I know the image I’m putting out, so you’re sure to see more of it. I’m confident in myself, who I’m worried about is you all. I know who I’m going to be, but have to ease the world into it –haters included, I do this for them.
I’m no joke. And I don’t lie. #AskAboutMe. Stay tuned. Soon as I have the photos from tonight, I’ll post them for ya & you can hate/love me a little more 😉 I still haven’t formally introduced you all to Hani Hulu either –Fashion contributor and JWWWD’s newest team member. I have much to tell you all. She’s next, tho. In the meantime, Hanihulu.blogspot.com —- your fashion fix.
S/O to the JWWWD team for helping the cause. Just keep in mind that… we’re all living. And we do so every second of the day. If we’re not writing… we’re probably living. Just like you, we have jobs, families, friends and “others”. I encourage you to check out who we are forreal. We’re real women. With ambition, determination and (most importantly) self-respect. I’m here for a reason. I want to be everything. I want to show everybody how to do what they’re doing but still hold themselves to a higher caliber. I can guarantee this: We might do the same thing, but you don’t quite do it like me. No offense. I can’t do it like you either. We’re individuals and allowed to do what we like how we’d like. But morals… you can’t really escape those, can you?
Wish me luck. Or throw shade. Whatev *shrugs*
Love you, anyway.