One year ago, I thought…

9.19.12

It’d have all be fine if he’d have just put it on me this morning. It was all I wanted, really. And the little bit of mouth-love that was promised to me last night. & there’s nothing I hate worse than someone who can’t keep a promise.

“You’re acting like a bitch,” was what I wanted to say, but it was 9am and World War IV will have to hold off until another day. World War 3 was a bloody battle and I’m not sure either of us has fully recovered. The Neosporin I have to rub on his chest (and back) daily is my main evidence. But I was pissed off. For every reason. First and foremost, I wanted head. And I still do, but I wanted it before my “lady” time comes and I’m sure tonight will be too late. Then, I had to figure out what to have for lunch today before there wasn’t any meat left over from dinner last night. I’d have had a porkchop but I wanted my babe to be full and gave him the other piece. I had planned to get up and sear some steak… but there’s only so much a girl can do in the AM. I was so hot & bothered having gotten a “no” I took a 30 minute shower which greatly cut into my getting ready time. And since I usually wake him up for breakfast (of which there was none, today) he was still sleeping at 9AM –when I had to leave the house. “I gotta go,” I spoke loudly to wake him to which he responded groggily, “What’s with the fucking attitude?” I responded only by placing my hands on my hips, tilting my head and raising my eyebrows. he should know by now that  I don’t verbally respond to anything I consider bullshit. 
I’d have left him in my place, comfortable & sleeping… but I’m not there yet. Not to mention, I have a roommate who’d see him head out later and I simply would rather he leave (6am like a considerate nobody would have done.) On one hand, I should have left him there to sleep and get his rest. There’s really no reason for him to get up at 8:30am when he doesn’t have to. And if I had my own place, I’d gladly let him stay. I hate to disturb him when he’s finally resting (I mean, he is my baby). But on the other hand, it’s not my own place. And it’s not his. And he knew the arrangement before this all started. He’s come in and tried to change everything else –granted I’ve allowed him the room to do so –but there are some things I simply cannot make exceptions for. 
We had it. For a little while, after we got into our last argument, we had it. Every issue we had with one another was addressed clearly. Quickly. Calmly.  When things change from the way they used to be…you need to address it the first instance you can. If you continue to put up with something, it’s safe for the other person to assume you’re okay with it. I’ve decided I can’t. I can’t put up with certain things. And it’s not because I want to be a bitch… it’s simply shit that irks me to my core like… broken promises.
I guess it’s not all that bad. He speaks tough. It’s a side effect from his persona. Had I never left the hood I might find it attractive. Now, I simply find his abrasiveness charming. He’s my stray dog. Seems to me I’ve picked him up off the streets. I can only expect from him to pee on the carpet and chew up some shoes. In my best interest, I keep my shoes up high and rub his face in the messes he makes. He’ll learn. If he likes a warm bed and a meal everyday… he’ll understand where home is. A dog roams, I’ve been told. I never thought I could handle it though. And in the moments when I thought I could, I couldn’t. But now I understand that if I need my space, so does he. It’s not out of any feeling in particular more than curiosity or a longing for something new. Just some entertainment. Perhaps a change of pace. I know the reason behind it all. I know that he doesn’t feel like being uptight all the time. 
Today I think…
9.19.12

Damned fool. That’s what we both were. See what happens when you try to allow idiocy. “Part of his persona”? Absolutely. He was a d*ck to say the very least. But a decent person at the least. My problem is, I see the good in people far too often. I also try to convince myself to be ready for things when I’m not. More so, it’s worse that I try to make them ready for it when they’re not. He was staying with me in this one bedroom when he should have had a place of his own. Perhaps that’s not something I can hold against a man but… I might not be dating until a person has what I have or better. I can’t continue to foster relationships with boys trying to be men because I’m fascinated with helping them. They’re not my responsibility. As CJ said the other day, I didn’t lay down and have no kids. 

But how can we not be concerned? How can you involve yourself with someone and feel no emotion? Contrary to popular belief, I’m not as cold as I seem. I’m also not as dumb as I seem. Secretly, this is the shit a lot of us do to ourselves but are afraid to admit. I fall in love because I love it. I can love anyone at any moment for anything. But it doesn’t take me long to wisen up. I read my horoscope last night. Said that this Saturn is finally getting the f*ck out my system. The turmoil –which also brought great teaching– is coming to an end and my light is getting brighter.

The reason I write all this down is so that I remember not to do it again. Too many times, we end up dating the same-ass nigga because we fail to see how much is like the others. Granted we all have a “type,” but that outfit isn’t all there is. When a relationship of yours comes to a close, I recommend you take the time to understand what exactly went wrong so that you can address that in your next trail. The same goes for all relationships –family, friends, etc. This isn’t to say you won’t come across new hurdles and new struggles, but it’s a total waste of time to keep dealing with the same bullshit.

Always make sure the next one is an upgrade.