“Are you single, though?”

           “Yes, I am.”
           “See I’m trying to help you see what your flaws are so you can fix that problem.”
            “Flaws? Sweetheart, I’m single because niggas are like you. That girl you’re “involved” with while your sitting across the table speaking to me, that’s not me.”
       Why do people like to talk to you about dating and relationships and them come back with the “friends” thing? If you wanted to be friends, we’d be friends, right? Yet, we were already on the part of the conversation where the “I mean, if things happen and we move that way”sentence comes about. Before he told me that he likes to base all his relationships on friendship, he thought it was a good idea to ask me about my “dating scene”.  “I’m not dating, nor do I particularly want to.” I’d told him. I believe that answer fit more in-line with the “free agent” category he wanted me to choose. 
         “I’m gonna be honest,” he’d begun. “I’m involved.” & That’s when he expected me to take my panties off. For some reason, men expect me to want them. It’s bizarre. Perhaps there are plenty women like me who are the exact opposite: Lonely and just waiting for a little bit of attention. Lonely is one thing I refuse to be. I might be alone. I might be bored… but lonely? Nah. For that, I’ll call my mother. I’ll admit, sometimes, I want to be held. Sometimes I simply want to be smiled at… but there is very  little conversation I want to have. And with very few people. Still, here I sat, on Independence Day of all days, trying to explain to a (boy on his way to becoming a) man that he’s not the one for me. 
         “You can’t get everything you want.”
          “Everything I want.” We must have discussed my “flaw” for an hour. His friends left, came back, tried to explain the situation and then he pulled me aside. At the end of the conversation, I realized we were still at the beginning. 
           “You’re afraid of me.”
           “Why am I afraid of you?” he smirked. 
            “Because I’m a female.”
            “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t.”
          There are two things men fear: Failure and failures. The problem with dating too young is that, most times, you’re unsure of what the future holds for the other person –even more often, you’re unsure of what the future holds for you. When you get involved in something, there is a chance you won’t be able to succeed in it. If the task is tough, you have 2 choices: Quit, or try –but men don’t quit, so they try. When they come across a woman who doesn’t take much shit, the challenge becomes a little tougher. When they come across a woman with morals, it becomes even more challenging. When they run into a woman with goals, it’s competition. There is a chance, he won’t be able to provide everything. Worse, there’s a chance he’ll pretend he can do it just to keep you around & later on, you’ll realize he’s not everything he claimed to be –or that he thought he was, which is is exactly how good girls go bad. 
           “You can always have everything you want.”
            “Always.”
   
            “But what you want isn’t always what you need.”
            “Always.”
             “There’s no balance in that. What you need isn’t always what’s best for you.”
           “I just don’t understand how you, who’s just met me 10 minutes ago, already knows what I need and want when it’s taken me 23 years to fully understand who I am an an individual and you’re sitting across the table from me telling me what’s best for me. You’re bound to fuck up. I’m telling you what I want and you’re already telling me you won’t give me that,I stated. I’ve given up on holding back my tongue for niggas because the “smart” ones always try to tell you about yourself while you sit across from them and try not to hurt their feelings. Little do they know, I’ve destroy that “confidence” they claim they had with one swift sentence.

            There must be balance in a relationship. People tend to go towards 50/50, but fail to realize that 75/75 is also still equal. 10/10 is also still equal.  If you want to be precise, 50/50 actually equals 1, so that 50/50 mean’s 100%. In my relationship, I require both people to give 100%. There is no 50%, 50%. No one gets to slack off so that the other person can work more. It is not  okay to hold back from someone simply because you can. If you have the world to give me, I want it. If you have 10¢, I want it. Frankly, I need someone who is willing to give me everything, who wants to give me everything. Why can’t it be 100/100? Why can’t I have everything I want and he have everything he want? “That’s impossible,”is the response I usually hear. And yes, that’s true if you feel that way. If you think it’s impossible for you to give 100%, it’s impossible for you to receive it and vice versa. Eventually, someone’s going to notice they aren’t getting as much.When you have this conversation with men, they think you want car, crib, jewels in the next 5 minutes… and that’s what makes them unqualified. If you don’t realize that all you need to give is love, and that all a girl (who’s the one for you) wants is love… it’s bound to be something other than love, you’re already on the wrong path. 
         If love isn’t the end goal, might as well stop while you’re ahead. But… niggas aren’t looking for love are they? Just friends, huh? That’s why I don’t do “friends” with anyone who asks me for my friendship. When you meet a new person of the same sex, you don’t talk about what you’re looking for in a “friend,” so why feed me the bullshit? Either we hit it off or we don’t. If a person asks you if you can be friends, that’s not genuine friendship. That’s trying to give the situation a title so that  they feel comfortable calling you something. Fuck labels, yo. What people call you don’t mean shit, it’s how they interact with you, you need to be weary of. This man did not want to be my friend. A friend would not have to pull me aside to tell me privately that he might not be able to give me everything I need in a romantic relationship. Matter fact, a friend, too, would do as much as they can for me if they can. Again, this nigga is not my friend.  
             Failures are everywhere. There are things you expect people to do where they don’t come through –not because they can’t but because they won’t. Therein lies the actual difference. If someone can’t do for me, they simply can’t. I have no right to get upset at that. But if they won’t, that’s grimy. Some people take, take, take and never give. I’ve done it, but only to niggas who give, give, give only with hidden intentions –you;ve got to be able to spot those as well. Some people only do for you because they expect things. & Some people only expect things because they can’t get shit for themselves. I’ve also used niggas for a similar reason, I’ll admit. Some of y’all are only good for what you’re good for and cash is one of them, because some niggas ain’t got shit else to offer.  What a man fears most though, is that the “perfect” woman we claimed to be when they met us will fade away. They’re afraid we’ll fail them because… we often do. 
            This was a very important conversation. My dating is… non-existent. I don’t like niggas. There’s very, very, very few I want in my face 24/7 and that’s the issue. I’m not dating to date anymore. “I refuse to waste my time,” I told him. “I’m already married to my husband.”
          “So you’re married to yourself? I’m trying to get you to open up and not be so narrow-minded.”
          “Narrow minded?” I repeated to let him know where he fucked up. “Honey, my view is very narrow-minded because I will marry one man and when i find that one man who thinks the way I do, I’ll be just fine.”
            “Well you have to be okay with being a lone soul.”
             “You have to be okay with just not being the one for me.”
          Do we really just involve ourselves with people simply not to be alone? Who the fuck are we letting into our lives? People who don’t do shit? Ain’t worth shit? This man tried, for an hour, to convince me that I won’t be happy. That I won’t have what I desire, “Everyday we live, the world tells us we can have everything we want,” he had argued. “Well, if that’s what everyday is like for you, daddy, I am so sorry,” I responded. No one wants you to be happy if they aren’t. But if you are happy, they just want to leech off of it. At the end of the night, no matter my smart remarks, brutal truths and loud sighs, he thought it was still smart to ask for my number. Now, I have no idea what to do with him. 
             “If you’re gonna screen my calls, just tell me now.”
         “If you’re gonna call me and give me the “uhhh, whats up, can I come over?” then don’t bother.” I swear I give these niggas a fair chance, they just dig themselves deep. 
           “It’s not fair for me to know exactly what I want and settle for something other than that. That’s not right to me,” I had explained. “I get me everything I want.” 
              “So what happens if he can’t do that for you?” he’d asked after he pulled me aside so he could make a better attempt in private.
                “Then you just see how it goes. If you can’t come through for a woman, and she trips out. Fuck her. Because if a woman loves you and you can’t come through, she’ll say fuck it, that’s my baby, tho. The problem with this conversation, though, daddy, is that I know nothing about you. You spent this who night trying to tell me who you think I am, but I don’t know shit about you. I’m not interested in this conversation. I want to know your favorite color. Your favorite movie. Shit like that.” Everyone tries so hard to be honest, they stop being themselves. We’re so busy trying to explain ourselves, that we can’t be ourselves. We know nothing about each other except who we say we are. Actions, ladies and gentlemen. Where the fuck are the actions?
             This was far too emotional a conversation for the 4th of July, but fuuuuuuck am I glad I’m single. & holly shiiiittt I’m glad I’ve got a functioning brain on me. If the first night I meet this dude, we don’t see eye-to-eye and it’s practically an argument, why fuck with it? Everybody is who they are. At least I am, and if that’s not how he really is, I still can’t fuck with him because he wasn’t 1000% about that. Why is everybody so fuckin pressed? Why can’t we just chill and enjoy the days?
          “Whoever is there in the end is who is there in the end. The man who’s right for me while be my husband on day one and day 1000. Won’t shit change.” 
           “I admire your loyalty,” he’d responded. 
           Yea.. and my ass, I thought. 
Niggas aint shit.
 (Unless he’s the one.)  
Oh, & next time I’m asked about my “dating scene,” 
my answer will be 
“Independent, thank you.”
ELLA.