When Henry got pinched for the first time, Pauly told him, “You learned two important lessons today:
1. Never rat on your friends.
2. Always keep your fuckin’ mouth shut.”
Goodfellas might be my favorite movie of all time. I learn something new every time I watch it. With each time, I hear somebody say some more epic shit I should base my life on. So… with these two new lessons imprinted in my mind, I’ve decided to quit Facebook. I know, I know… you think I’ll be back. And I might, to send a message or two, but it’s about 99% official. I think I’ve come down with mild agoraphobia. Either, I’ve just found out what my problem is or my hypochondriac ways have found me another scapegoat for the reason behind everything I do: I don’t like people. Which is funny because you’d think I’m the friendliest person in the world. The truth is, I know more than a lot of people. That’s not conceit, it’s real rap. Some people think this makes me feel like I’m better than a lot of people –and sometimes I find myself diplomatically debating whether or not this is true.
Growing up is getting tougher. There are less and less people I want to be associated with –whether just friends or intimate. When I meet girls I might be friends with, I wonder if their minds are in the same place mine is in. I know it shouldn’t matter in friendship, but I do wonder what they do, where they work, who their involved with. I’m just watching my circle. I think I’m too grown. I need to watch the company I keep and I’m not at the point in my life where I am willing to defend myself from the flock’s choices. I’ve got a rare feather.
When it comes to men, I’ve gotten more and more particular. While part of me encourages my own growth, part of me feels like I’m missing out. Is it right to hold certain things against men they “have no control over” –kids, no college degree, a lack of goals?
There aren’t too many people I feel like to talking. Especially not about him. So… I sit with my own thoughts. I’m simply unsure anyone would understand –especially now, when he’s disappeared.