6.29.11


        I’m going to be me, I had to tell myself. I know this sounds hard to believe because I promote myself as this always-real, never-changing person unaffected by emotions like the average mortal. But… I’m only human. Even worse, I’m a girl. I want to be perfect. I want to be everything he’s dreamed of and more. All he could ever ask for. But the danger in that is whether or not I actually am  that, or if I’m pretending to be. In essence, I want all of my flaws to be perfect to him. 

      I don’t like people. So it’s really hard for me to digest when I do. It feels like there’s something in my chest. It might be my heart but I could’ve sworn it’d never work again. “I’m going crazy,” I texted CJ because I really thought I was. I simply couldn’t control my functions. I was smiling and I usually… don’t . Not like this. Not for real. & not for long. I’m used to making exceptions. There’s always at least one  thing wrong with a guy. If I start listing them out, I’ll start sounding a bit base so I’ll spare myself the humiliation. The last one though, had two things wrong: He had a kid & he didn’t partake in a little MaryJane. With that in mind, I tried. I really tried. 

   I had just finished video blogging about how much I detest him ( I know, I know. I’m the lamest person on the planet) when my first wish came true. See.. here’s the thing: I need patience.  Silver Spoon June taught me about patience.  “He makes me want to poop and throw up at the same time,” my cousin & BFF described her love to me. That is elementary, my dear Shirlz. Brilliantly simple. They alter your worst functions. And perfectly so. I could do nothing but bust out in laughter as she described having to debate toilet vs sink. The thing with her is, I think she hasn’t been corrupted by the world. I’ve had my insides torn out and hung around me like lights on a Christmas tree. I stood there and watched her light up and envied her. I wanted to feel that. (Not the envy, the love… and it wasn’t really envy… more… desire. Lust.)

          So maybe I don’t like him.  Maybe I’ve, once again, manufactured feelings in my head, but I’ve decided I don’t even care. I’m going to enjoy this fairytale while it lasts because, even if it’s not real, they always end happily ever after. Maybe I’m just a naive little girl still holding onto fairytales but… so the fuck what? Who says dreams don’t come true? But I’m not selling this short. I refuse to. I think I’m too good of a woman for this to be false. & he’s too good of a man for me to let go that easily. So while I have to learn to manage myself and my emotions… I just think it shouldn’t be so hard. It shouldn’t take so much thought. It needn’t so much explanation. I’ve been trying to explain the feeling: the joy, the content, the satisfaction but have decided that you can only understand once you’ve felt it for yourself. I had no idea.  Hopefully, this is all I imagine it to be: That he is who I think he is and that he really truly does like me for me –and not how talented I am 😉  (S/O @BaigeMarie)