I can’t get you out of my mind. I know full well you aren’t here yet, but that’s what they said about me, too. I wanted to take the time to congratulate you on existing before your time. I love you now as much I’ll love you later. & Later, you’ll have this to understand what’s going on now. Every time I think of you, my soul aches. It is your creation that is currently under scrutiny. You see, the decisions I make are yours, as we are one in the same. I am trying.
Right now, I am all alone. The path to you is yet to be found. Cultivating, I hope. Everyone seems to hope this’ll ruin me. As if the absence of us is because of the absence of you… but they don’t understand. You are as much me as I am you. The future is a real as the present and a sure as the past in the minds of the strong willed. I understand. I want you to understand: I have no idea what it means to be you. I won’t know what you need or what you want. The best I can do is give you everything I’ve wished for, all that I’ve attained and that which might have slipped my fingers. I want you to want nothing. I want to give you everything so that you never feel you have to wander in search of what you have right at home. I want my love to be your haven. Return to me when the world lets you down.
I do not want you to fear everyone, but you will have to. This world is much, much colder than the general public would like you to assume. No one loves you, not unless they have or unless there is some selfish reason they should. But when one person of worth realizes yours, the rest will follow. People are followers. Don’t judge them, but don’t be like them. Don’t be like anyone. Be yourself at all costs. No matter if they call you insane or inappropriate, say what’s boiling in your soul. You, myself and whoever else loves us will work endlessly to make sure that path you choose is true to your heart. We will investigate who you are as an individual. I will respect your desires and pray for the day when I (or the image of the woman I am) becomes one of them.
You deserve everything. Don’t ever let anyone tell you different. Both your friendships and your romances will suck the life from you, but they will enliven you at the same rate. It is in experiencing pain that you will be able to understand the truth of love. Pain is not love. I hope it takes you less time to realize that than it did me. And, please, never settle for less than you’ve bargained for. If someone does not come through on their end of the deal, make a note. Character is character. We are who we are and so are they. As beings, we all fail — human frailty is inescapable –but the victorious find glory in the effort they’ve put forth to make the victory possible. Leaders are born. I already know you are one. You get as much as you put in –if you don’t, never put yourself into that situation again.
Make every decision a learning experience. What you didn’t like, you won’t like. What you enjoy, you might love. Listen to your heart –some call it conscience– and understand that the love within you is for yourself first. Pay no mind to me nor the rest of the world. Focus on your smile. Never fear and always plan ahead. The world will try to make you get stuck in the moment, but you’ve got to learn to anticipate the future: Time is the only thing that never stops.
I am the only one who will love you forever. It’s okay if you hate me. Whatever the world does to you, please take it out on me. That, darling, is the stuff I am made of –and my mother before me. That is why you’ve got to hold on. Not only is the world not ready, neither am I. I have not yet learned enough to tell you. The journey of a woman is longer than the days allow. The journey of a man much colder. So until the day I’ve met a man who’s made his way through the cold — and granted me to the time to make it where I’m destined to go, we reserve ourselves. There will be a time when we’re in the right place at the right time and all the shit people say doesn’t exist will align -including you. You are my reason.
I want you to respect me. I want you to know that, while I made mistakes, I made the right ones. Even though I fell, I got back up. Know that when I saw the world come crashing down, I might have run, but only to seek cover. Please know that I have harnessed all this pain and chained it in scribe so that you and I will never forget that I existed before you. That I have my own truths and I am my own person. I need you to know that I do understand. I am a vault of magnificence and I will gladly let you in. I hope you understand I’ve reserved my tears for you. If ever I shed tears again, they will be for you. I hold onto myself and try to be everything I hope you will be. I need you to know I already love you.
To my daughter who doesn’t yet exist.
From the mother I already am.