You’ve been reading my blog.
 Even though I told you not to.
You don’t fuckin listen.
So this one here
is for you,

There is a lot you don’t know about me. Perhaps the conversation simply hasn’t come up or, more likely, I’ve avoided giving you the details. But here it goes.

I had this… boyfriend. Sort of. But he was never my boyfriend. I just allowed myself to fall in love with him, thinking all the while there’d be some sort of reciprocation. And when I say I fell in love, I mean I’m trying not to cry as I write this and had to step away from my desk to compose myself. I don’t want you to think I’m not “over” him because I am. The reason I can’t handle thinking about what he and I had is because I mentally married him. I thought that was it. I thought I was done. I thought I had finally found the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. When he Left Me, I couldn’t function. Literally. I could barely get out of bed restrained by the weight of one question: Why Don’t You Love Me? 

I feel like you want me to love you already. But I don’t. And I’m glad for it. Because I’ve gotten to know you (I think). I don’t know anything about them.

I felt like _____ was the one who got away because I fell for him as a person. While physical attraction was there, we never broached that stage. So on one hand, perhaps we liked each other enough to opt out. But really, we didn’t spend a lot of time together either. But really it’s because I liked the idea of romance that came with him. I knew there was more than sex because there was no sex. It’s that feeling that I liked/like about these guys. Remember when I gave you an 8. What’s missing is romance.

I don’t attach myself to you because, one day, you’ll leave me, too. So I don’t feel bad about keeping the others locked away somewhere because when you do, I’ll know exactly who to call. I won’t go through that again.

Because if you and I stop talking I’ll still think you’re a beautiful person.

My most recent posts should give you a better idea of how I’ve felt recently. But you can’t rely on those either because I am, undeniably, and Unstable Creature.