Loneliness is all relative. Time is fleeting or endless depending on how much attention you pay to it. I’m at a point where I’m simply trying to decide what is/is not worth my time. Most shit is simply… not worth my time. Unfortunately, most people are not worth my time. People want to catch up with me and have conversations about nothing, and while I appreciate the love… I’d appreciate a check so much more. Don’t knock me for tryina get these 6 zeros to every one of my dreams. Fuck am I supposed to do? I’ve no choice but to hustle. *shrugs*
I’ve be trying. This past week, I’ve been extra nice. But the nicer I am, the more attitude I get. The more people try to piss me off. At the end of the week, I just started to feel like people were pissed off at being pissed off –and at the fact tat I’m simply not with it. Unhappiness isn’t my thing. I spent last weekend listening to my mother’s heart break. We conversed about the ugly things beautiful people do & how quickly things can change. How true emotions, eventually, come to light. There are two things one cannot escape: Truth and death. My father died. The my mother disappeared. Then Negrita died. Then my grandfather died. Then Nelson died. Then Enver died. Then Gianni died. Then Knocker died. Then Diamond died. Then my friendships died. Then Cory almost died. & my moms keeps talking about dying. Whole time, she’s never been to the city of love. Paris will love Francia if I have anything to do with it. & Truth is, I’m the only one who can make it happen if it’s going to happen.
Meanwhile, my life hasn’t yet begun. I’m sitting here in a bar full of people who know everyone except me –but I’m comfortable. Mirrors On Grand — I actually do like this place. They always show love —Therein lies the benefit of knowing yourself. People are comfortable with you if you’re comfortable with yourself. So, you’re never really alone. I sit and play with my thoughts. There is no one I’d rather be with, to be honest. Not if you don’t think. Not if there isn’t real conversation. Every time I speak to people, we have a conversation about how they can’t talk to anyone else. That’s my greatest fear. I fear that I’ll have far too many people to entertain because of what the rest of the world lacks. Far too many people’s desire for something to satiate. On the other hand, I’m afraid I won’t find anyone to have conversation with myself. Who do I call? Come to think of it, I don’t have much to talk about anyway. I can only stay off the topic of “me” for so long. Not because I… have my head up my ass, but because I’m working so hard right now. I’ve be consumed by myself.
I wonder if I’ll be alone forever. It’s quite possible, but at the same time, I know I’m too great a person for that. & I have faith a bright brotha will act correctly, eventually. Valentine’s Day is around the corner -almost literally –and I couldn’t give a fuck less. Unless it’s a stack (or a couple), I don’t want it. *shrugs* I’ve decided that I’m ready to be alone for the time it takes. If I have to sacrifice a little pleasure and company so that my mother can live the life she wanted to give me, so be it. If I don’t do this now, it’ll never happen. I’ll end up telling stories about how I once wanted to be A, B or C. I refuse to tell stories until the end is exactly what I meant it to be. And I’ve got plans, don’t you all worry. You all should see inside my mind; It’s something like diamonds swimming in heart-shaped confetti. My mind goes from love to cash so quickly. Every two minutes I leave one for the other, coming back to where I began: Loving both the exact same. I’m having a love affair with my future. It’s orgasmic.
& then there are “friends”. And the question of whether or not I even want any. I consider the relationships I’ve had in the past -romantic and not, and am grateful for their respective extinctions. I’m not built for it. I’m not built to deal with other females relationship issues – particularly when they stay in the wrong things for too long and/or continue to submit themselves to poor treatment. I don’t have the space in my heart to care for people who don’t care for themselves. Then there’s the envy success creates. And while I’ve had a small taste of it, I wonder who it’ll take over next. Who else is going to think I’m “better” than them? Who else is going to judge me for not staying in the one-square-mile death trap that is Central Falls. Who’s going to judge me because they’ve never been where I’m from. Who’s going to call on me to justify my thug? Who’s going to eat with me? And who’ll bread bread in return? Who loves me for me? Who loves me for who I might be and the things I might have? Who loves? Each day, I sit patiently and watch the days turn to night. & When I wake the next day, I take a head count. I take attendance.
I’m waiting. Writing. Praying. Hoping. Grinding. What else am I suppose to do? Except hustle? I don’t what’s going to happen tomorrow, so I take advantage of today. I rape today for every single thing it could possible give me. Each day, I become a greater person. A more refined individual. Shit ain’t perfect… but I’m on my way there. We’ll see where this all goes. I plan to be a problem.
& S/O @MirrorsOnGrand for letting me sit here on this laptop & playing some real music.