Ain’t no feeling like being free — Destiny’s Child, “Free”
We keep ourselves trapped. While we may fall into the empty well unsuspectingly, you’ve got nothing but time while you’re down there. We often find ourselves in situations we feel are inescapable. There’s a great percentage of people who stop right there. As soon as it gets tough, we say “fuck it,” right? We stop trying. As soon as someone makes us feel like we “ain’t shit”, we believe it. We begin to consider the possibility of this being it. All there is. But if there is still tomorrow, how can you be so sure?
Don’t give up on happiness so easily. On possibility. I’ve come across so many situations in the past week, I’m a bit emotionally overloaded. I confronted the selfishness of the individual, the pain of the mother, the corruptness of youth, the sting of disappointment, the flaws of family, & the strength of greed. Mostly, though, I came to understand the power of love: It has the amazing ability to make us do things we shouldn’t have done forcing us to say things we shouldn’t have said. You know, some say the same things of anger.
“Just because you two have the same time doesn’t mean it’s the right, time,” argued Uncle Kenny.
“Well, what time would you consider the most right, then?” I asked though my scampi.
“Your cell phone,” Uncle Gary offered. “I’d consider that the right time.”
“I can agree with that,” I conceded as Kenny nodded. We were having a conversation about sense. About information. About fact and where it really lies. While to the outsider, you might have seen this as a playful conversation between men and girl, it was a test of my aptitude. Of intelligence. Uncle Kenny and Uncle Gary aren’t really my uncles. But they are, you know? Not just because tey’re my brother-in-laws uncles, but because they make me feel like one of them. I don’t know much about them, I just like how they treat me. I like the way they speak to me. I like they way they speak to everyone. To each other. To people –always depending on who they are. Who you are matters. Who you are in the moment as well as who you will be. What matters more, in truth, is your ability to understand.
“You know what, though?” Kenny added as we all put out coats on, “The broken clock,” he said slowly, “is right twice a day,” I said it with him. I don’t know why, but it amused me. I didn’t understand if he thought I hadn’t heard that before or he was just trying to remind me of something. Either way, I said it with him so he’d know I was right there. I’d keep it in mind. At the end of the statement, wrong can only be right twice. *shrugs* I suppose we’re all afforded one mistake & one fuck up. After that, those wrongs lead you right back to where you came from. I think that Uncle Kenny & Uncle Gary know I’m awake. I appreciate that. I needed them to know. People are predictable, so souls are easy to read. There’s a method to this life, you’ve just got to figure out your own way of doing it. You’ve got to figure out, for yourself, what s right and what is wrong. How much wrong do you allow others to commit to you & how much wrong will you add to the world? & you know what they say about Karma –just keep that in mind.
I was 13 the first time I really got caught stealing. The first time I got caught stealing, I was 3. I shoved the candy in my panties but it fell out my pant leg as we walked past the register. That was the first time I experienced my mother’s “Wait till we get home,” and what that meant. That was also the first time I experienced “pain”. As I made my way through my thoughts and tears, I realized that pain only lasts but for so long. After a while, it goes away. That wasn’t so bad. I thought to myself. From there on out, I was always, as @AyoBossBitch_ would say, on the come up. Illegal isn’t the easy way out, but it’s not rocket science. People, in general, are stupid. It’s easy to get over most people in most situations. Shoplifting, though, is it’s own beast. It’s the infancy of thievery. & known as thieves are crucified like Christ. I slept in my bed in the Baltimore City Correctional Center one night/day (time is everything and nothing in detention). While the cushion was an upgrade from the refrigerated holding cells, I understood with my mother said “That’s not the place for you,” through the receiver. I refused to believe the things I wanted were actually worth what was on the tag & the state refused to let me go on my own recognizance again. I didn’t blame them. Donald was the only person I needed to call. Seems to me, I didn’t have the courage to end my physical life, so I had taken it upon myself to dismantle my future. I know now that both are worth having. I promised myself I’d take greater caution of the world, no matter how I understood/understand it.
S/O to the girl on the 3Train. You’re beautiful, don’t ruin that.
Your mother taught you better, that’s why she’s upset.
But Mom, you know better, too. We all make mistakes.
Don’t make too many more, though.
The first time a man beat on me was last summer. There was a pan, a knife, and a second time –aka the last time. That’s why he’s still alive and I’m confined to my room only by choice. The first time a man slapped me was in the summer of 2006. That August, after the second slap, the copper pipe & the brick, I moved to Baltimore for college. I saw him once more after that. It was 2am, I was hungry so I made him buy me a chicken box. Eventually, I threw the bones in his face as I got out the car. He threw whatever bones and bullshit he could pick up as I walked to my front door. “Why are there chicken bones all over the porch?” my mother asked the next morning. I smiled, turned over & went back to sleep. Cuz I’m the man, thought before I turned my mind off. Because if you let people disrespect you, they will. That’s when you have to show them who is who and what is what. Check EVERYONE. My Editing and Copywriting professor at Loyola used to say, “If your mother tells you she loves you, double check it.” I did that, too.
“Let’s go!” I yelled. I was done, too. I packed my bags only concerned with which shoes. She said she was going to kick me out & honestly I was tired of the bullshittin. If you’re gonna kick me out, do it. Don’t keep telling me shit you don’t believe your fuckin self. No one understood why I didn’t get along with my mother; it was because I’ve always felt I knew what I was doing. I felt anyone could do her job, because someone else already had been and I’d been just fine, thank you very much. I knew I’d make mistakes, matter fact, I knew I already had. I knew I’d do things she wasn’t going to necessarily be okay with. Such is the life of mother and daughter. Still though, people telling me I was smart made me try to figure out how smart I actually was. I figured that if I’m already intelligent, I’m bound to always be, right? And since I’m young [I thought then as I still do now] there’s no telling how much shit I’m actually capable of. I was amazed considering the amount of shit in the world I didn’t know. I wanted to know it all. I proceeded to learn everything they would teach me. & when it wasn’t enough, changed institutions. I searched for more. The I figured that wasn’t it, so I searched for Love. And as those fell through, I searched for me. Finally, as I’ve found myself, I’ve begun to see the world.
I have the right to live a happy existence. (As do you.) If your situation can be better, it can be better. Sometimes, we just need to forgive those who trespass against us. Fight hard against temptation. Keep your distance from misery. Just because someone says you don’t deserve better, it doesn’t mean it’s true. Perhaps there’s a reason they’re making you feel that way. Perhaps if you sat and thought long enough, you could justify Judas. You could find purpose for Lucifer. But why take that route of thought? Why not be happy?
Maybe some people can’t be happy. Maybe they don’t know how. Maybe we should get little kids to explain like Lauryn Hill did. Maybe pure naivety will shed light on true wisdom.We’re back to the age old question of “What is love?” Love, for one, is not unkind. Love loves. There is no other definition. Love is not pain. Pain is pain. Love is not tears. Tears are tears. Love is love. It’s always love. At all times. When someone treats you like they don’t love you, you have to question that relationship. & We have to be very weary of the way we treat others. People learn from us –good and bad. If you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all. I know you’ve heard that before. Similarly, if you have no cash to spend, sit your ass at home. If you have nothing to give, don’t offer the world. If it’s pain, call it by it’s name. When it’s love, call it the same.
There are three phases: When you just say you’re done, when you think you’re done & when you’re done.
If you’re not done yet, I hope you soon will be.
Free yourselves from the anger.
It this isn’t how you want things to be, then don’t let them be that way.