This is my first official Diary entry. Because sometimes, you want to get things off your chest, but it’s hard to chose the right person to talk to. & I don’t have anyone who just listens. All my friendships are either equally balanced, or I do most of the listening. I’m not complaining… it just is what it is. & really, I don’t like to talk to people about the guys I’m dating if I like the guy. If I don’t care… I’ll share all the details. But the things I want, I keep to myself. So, in the words of Mr. Lil’ Wayne, I’m “talking to myself because I am my own consultant.”
**All Diary blogs published 1 year after they are written**
“I got to find something to do. I’ll call you in like an hour and a half. Stay up.”
It is 1:14 in the morning. I want to stay up… but I can’t. I just talked to Amanda today. My MB homie. I love this girl for reasons beyond my own comprehension. But she’s like a little sister to me. Every once in a while, she’ll hit me for advice. & I’m more than happy to help. Won’t put her personal business out there, but in the end, the advice I gave her, was “Don’t wait on no man.” So, I gotta eat it and do the same. See, I’m not going to post this tonight. So when this is up, it’ll be very delayed at the least. (Because you might read this.)
It’s Friday night. January 28th. My bills are paid and I still got money in the bank. My roommate is nowhere to be found. And I am in New York fuckin City. But I’m also here in bed. With Jay-Z’s Decoded and Chris Brown’s “No Bullshit” on repeat. I have no real plans this weekend. I was invited to a “Sweat it out” party… but the promo approved of women at parties in sneakers so I don’t think it’s quite my event. I would love to dress up. & this would definitely be the ultimate test… but I’m just fine in bed. I’m even better now that he called.
Funny thing is, I should be upset with him. Maybe. By most other female’s calculations anyways. We’ve been… conversing for a little while now. But really conversing. When I text him something, he reads it and responds accordingly. I don’t remember the last conversation I had with a man –a conversation that wasn’t about how he fucked up and why what he did was wrong. & I love it. Sometimes we don’t talk for days. & He just had me on hold for forever. & he reason to hang up was that he had to find another party to go to. Funnier thing is, I’m not bothered.
OK. Here’s the thing. He’s approximately a thousand miles away. It would happen to me, huh? The guy I like would be no where near me. But I know myself… and I do this thing where I like guys more than I should because I’m lonely. There. I said it. I’m lonely. But I entertain myself well enough… and the thing is… all I want is a little phone conversation. So beleive it or not, I like that he’s not around. That means I can ignore him and it’s okay. That means we can take is slow because there is no other option. He’s going to have to get to know me whether he likes it or not. Which is perfect because then he’ll really know if he likes me or not.
That’s the kind of guy I like. One that had his own life before he mets me. I mean, you can’t be totally free at first and then get busy. A girl likes you for whatever the initial situation was. When things change… things change. So sometimes, when I hit him, he don’t hit me back. And I’ll admit. I get a little upset. But I like that. I like that he doesn’t feel like he has to hit me back, because when he does, it’s all by choice. But please believe I do the same. Even if I want to hit him back, I don’t. I don’t hit him till I’m home from work & comfortable. & I fall asleep in the middle of text conversations on purpose; because I don’t want anything I do to revolve around or be interrupted by him. I keep him in my free time. Only my free time.
So tonight, as I sit in bed blogging, he’s out with friends trying to stunt probably. & that’s perfectly fine with me. He’s a handsome guy. He should enjoy the perks of being as cute as he is. Besides, when I go out, I stunt harder. & I like that he goes out. That he has friends. I think men should have more friends than women do. I think that guys should go out more than females do. Neither should be out all the time, but when you’re in a relationship (or involved), women need to stay they asses home. This is totally sexist but… I’m totally with it. No man wants to hear about his girl always in the club. Yes, I do go out… but not like that. & If my man is in the club, so what? As long as he’s not one of the broke, bum niggas in the club, we cool. But when I go out, remember I aint no broke bum bitch. #AllsFairInLove&War.
Besides, I love that he called. Shows he wasn’t afraid to let me know what he was getting into. & I’m sure he appreciated my response. The conversation was nothing more than 3 minutes, and that was perfect. Sometimes, a girl just wants to know that she’s being thought of. I’m not pressed about what he’s doing because I have faith in his intelligence…
If he’s intelligent, he’ll know what he stumbled upon. I’m the girl who, while everyone else is out on a Friday night, is in bed, reading Jay-Z’s book. Happy. & Still lookin cute. Entertaining herself. Matter fact, I entertained myself by trying on lingerie with him in mind. I’d say he’s a luckier man than he knows.
I’ve never written about You before (that’ll be his name) because I’m afraid to jinx whatever this is. Granted, I have no real hopes or goals in this, but his mere presence in my thoughts helps through this drought. Remember, “I Don’t Sex” but I can always imagine. Or at least pretend I have something to look forward to. So as this J. Cole “In the Morning” plays… maaaannnnn. Lol..
He’s what I need right now. Someone to entertain my thoughts. A text message every couple of days will suffice. Annnddd he hasn’t asked me to send him a picture. Because even though, we all know, I got “something recent for someone decent,” I don’t like being asked for a picture. But there’s more than just that… he’s sweet (so far). From what I know, he’s ambitious. Schooled. Respectful… yet somehow appropriately…. dirty. lol. It’s tough to find a man who can sweet talk & talk dirty. Most men can only do one but both are necessary at the right levels. & sometimes you want to have conversations that are completely unrelated to any of that. how often do we get to have conversations where we learn the other person as a person? I want to know someone. I look forward to finding out more about him. I think there’s a lot in there. Annnnd he can spell.
But yea… he could hit in the morning. & (if it’s how You claims it is) I’d make him breakfast as a reward. 😉