Last weekend, I stayed in and put puzzles together. One is the image you see above. 

The other, my life. 

        Far too much has happened. I’ve lost friends. I’ve almost lost more friends. I gained friends. Found love.  Lost it. Made choices and questioned them, but powered through & moved on. There was a possibility that xxxxxxxx would be the one. He was stable. He was sweet. He was grown –from what I knew. His only “downfall” was his being a father. At first, I questioned my ability to take on a man with such a responsibility, but when you care for someone, you set all their “flaws” aside, because you question if that flaw is really yours. You see, I’m hitting 24. I’m the only one of my close female friends –a number which continues to dwindle –who does not have a child. Bizarrely enough, the world has a great way of making it seem like it’s a bad thing. So much so, I considered it with hi=m. He considered it, too, though. There were the talks New York City lovers have about moving to Jersey City to escape the scene and purchase a piece of the skyline from the other side. He murmured key words like “walk-in-clost” with stories of shelves for my shoes. Then I looked out of the window of my bedroom, to the cathedral on the 110’s Horizon. I glanced into the open sliding doors of my closet. I surveyed the shoes boxes along the top & the exposed pairs lining the floor.  I remembered I got all of that for myself. I realized I need more. 

          At my very worst, I am happy. There are situations and people I feel sympathetic towards, but I’m not sure it’s fair to let the dim my light. Instead, in light of those situations/people, I’ll shine brighter. I’ve embarked on another phase of self-fullfilment if you all haven’t noticed. This is the no-holds-barred phase in which I take 200% care that everything I say aligns with everything I do & vice versa. I already know who I am. The next step is merely maintaining that no matter what arises. I stopped mid-way through this post to have lunch with a new acquaintance I’d like to call a friend because I was sure it’d be an asset to my day. Most people provide no benefit. You learn nothing. You feel nothing. You talk nothing. But even when you talk nothing with someone who has something to offer, you’ve got something. You follow?

           Trim the fat. Most people start off the new year with the goal in mind to lose weight and strengthen their bodies. It’s a brilliant and necessary step to take (which is why PFungFitness.com exists) but I yearn for nothing more than for my mind to be engaged. I aim to tighten my views and strengthen my bonds with people who deserve them. My relation to the world is changing. Rather, my relation to the world has become increasingly important. Sometimes, it’s not about who you know, but who knows you. All the time, it’s about what those people know about you. I take great caution with how I am received by the world. I am most cautious in maintaining myself. My integrity. The root of my being. 

           People don’t change all that much. It’s the situation around them that does. Good or bad, those situations will have an effect on you. They shouldn’t create you, though. At the base of every person is a being. We all think. We breathe. We see. We think. We feel. We do all of these to different extents based on the individual, but we’re all capable. At the end of the day, all people are the same. In first meeting someone, I grant them complete access. I put my entire being on the table, so that we aren’t confused later on. I am who I am. Maybe a little meaner, but I’ll try as long as you try. Still, the minute you stop trying… someone will take your spot. Life is just a movie with character spots to be filled. I’m not worried about much. If I don’t have a boyfriend, that position will be filled eventually. If I don’t have a best friend, that position will be filled eventually. If they take long to fill, #PardonMyGrind, I’m sure a qualified candidate will pop up down the road.  But even if that one piece of the puzzle is missing, I’m sure I’ll see the picture just fine. 

        Sometimes, I just wanna be a kid again. Children don’t worry. If they don’t have a friend to play with, they find one. Any one. If they can’t they use their imaginations until a playmate shows up. They are content. They worry only about having the newest toy. The complete set. The Barbie Jeep in case we want a break from the convertible.  There simply aren’t that many worries. On the other hand, children are jealous. They want what others have. They lie because they’re scared. They borrow without asking. They make a mess and expect you to clean it up. In reality, all they want is a friend to call their very own, though. Someone to care for them. Someone to care for. & We all find those in different places. At different times. From different people. In different ways. The only danger in childhood is how hard a child loves. They love unconditionally. Without reserve. It is the naivety of childhood that is both amazing and terrifying. The willingness to try. The acceptance of others.

          Funny how everything you want isn’t always what you want it to be –but exactly what you needed. So when I’m on my Rosie Perez, rollerblading in Central Park, it’s unfortunate that I’m doing it by myself. But at least I’m doing it. On the weekends, I roam New York City, visiting museums and Starbucks’ locations statewide. Unfortunately, I’m doing it by myself. But I am so fortunate to be able to. “I had to change the way I was looking at things,” she explained over Thai soup at Aceluck (on 9th b/t 39&40, was delish & reasonably prced. Check it ouuutt!!) I was glad just glad she’d gotten to that thought without me. It’s tough trying to teach people how to think & I’ve quit doing that. I’m interested to see where else she’ll make it without me.  Because she deserve it. & Because I’ll certainly move without her. No hard feelings, she understands – believe me.

 I promised myself I’d do everything I ever wanted to do. 

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