They drank, they screamed, I heard, I KO’d. I was asleep by 12:03am. The truth of the matter: We’d made plans before Christmas. The problem with him is that instead of telling me the plans have changed/will change/are delayed he just pretends like everything is all good. Last night, though, he’d texted me at 7:30pm and let me know he was driving from Connecticut. 10:30pm came & he was still driving. I mean, drive where ever the fuck you need to, but it takes 4 hours to get to Rhode Island. You’re telling me it took you 4 hours to get through Connecticut? We need more maps in public schools.  I realized this weekend that niggas just ain’t for me. Females & Males.  I’m a solo kind of person. I could’ve gone home to Rhode Island, and as I read the idiot’s texts, I regretted not booking the tickets. Still, looking at my new boots & the sequin shorts I’m about to murder tonight, I know I’ve never been happier.  

             I used to be concerned. They say you’ll end the year the same what you started it. That means I’ll end with a full stomach, closet & bank account. I’m not mad at that. I’ve re-realized how young I am. Recently, I’d been getting wrapped up in the idea of wanting to start a family & all that good stuff that would deem me a good “woman.” I’m not ready for it yet though… well, they aren’t. “After you have my 8 kids,” he likes to joke around. Do you understand what that’ll do to my body & career? I need someone who can help me take care of everything. The kids, myself & my future. Perhaps I was just made for a different caliber of man, to be honest. The one’s I’ve met simply don’t make the cut. This isn’t a complaint, merely an observation. When one relationship would end for me, I’d leave off in a depressed mood and wonder “why”. This time around, I’m living my life the way I need to. Instead of waiting for him to cancel plans with me, I went shopping. I took myself to dinner. I bought myself pretty things. I’m the best boyfriend I’ve ever had.
         Mostly, I’m not sure who I can trust. I don’t want to hang out with just anybody. I’m not that thirsty for company. Additionally, I don’t make enough money, forreal. I tend to shift my concentration from my money to niggas and it upsets my stomach in the long run.  I’m the only person I trust to know what I’m talking about. Perhaps it’s the wrong way at looking at things, but I’m just… not impressed enough. I quit niggas. Often. The only problem is that with each lame who tries his hand, I become just a little bit colder. A little bit badder πŸ˜‰ So when I go out tonight, I go with one purpose. Make $$. And while I’m not getting any cash right now, I just need y’all to Google me a little bit more πŸ™‚ The event tonight is at Celcius. One of the ladies involved shares my Alma Mater, so I feel it an honor to show some support. I don’t know exactly what I’m doing with my life, but I reevaluate often as to make sure I’m on the right track. I’ve decided that if I’m going to bust my ass for something, it might as well be for myself. & it might as well be for a group of people who actually respect me. If you’ve read this far, I’m already sure you do. If not, you’re quite a dedicated hater. & As dumb as it is, if I can speak for one person who doesn’t have the strength/ability/time to express this same emotion, I’m here. & if you’re one of the people who are only inspired by people who inspire themselves, I’m also here for that.
         Don’t let them ruin you. Secretly, they want you to be sad. To be upset that they’ve held themselves from you. But these niggas have been niggas for so long, don’t you think I’ve learned. I just don’t care enough anymore. I’m trying to buy my mom another house. A farm. Horses & shit. Unless you can help me out with that, you can’t do shit for me. “Put on your music,” my mother said when she called at about 2pm. “Que te entre el ano nuevo con musica bonita. No te deje to esta contenta, mija.” She wants me to be happy & makes sure of it. Good music does put you in a good mood, trying on shoes also helps (she told me that last week). She’s right, though. I should never be unhappy. So instead of going to some lame ass party with people I don’t like, I’ll be exactly where I want to be tonight. I’m learning to be myself separate from other people. I don’t even want female friends. They’re not healthy, forreal. We’re part-time haters. We don’t need to be around each other for too long. Then again, not every man is worth your time. Some are great, no doubt, but they all play their part. They all grow you a little bit as you recognize what you will and will not stand for in a relationship. But more important that that is what you will or will not accept from life. That’s why I continuously shift my focus there. My life is more important than any one relationship or friendship –expect for my moms. That’s my shorty πŸ˜‰
       But ummm… Happy New Year. But I hope you celebrate everyday with the same fervor. You can make a resolution to change yourself everyday. There’s really no need to wait on the day when everyone else will do it. Waiting on someone else is how you fall behind. You could’ve been home already. 
Another day, another pair of shoes, another opportunity.