Perhaps, I’m too good of a woman. *Cue eye roll.* It holds me back, sometimes… Well, not me, but the person I truly am. I’m actually a lot of fun, but I do consider what those actions will say about me. Still, though, the other option to living simply isn’t appealing. I don’t purposely show people who I am. If we happen to have something in common, I’d love to have a conversation. If we hit it off, great, but if we don’t… as is the way of the world. I used to approach this view with a much more “hood” state of mind and attribute it to the “F*ck ________, Get money,” motto that was drilled into me. I’ve realized, though, that I don’t need to get along with everyone. There’s not a real reason for it, but at the same time, I need not dislike anyone.
Life is so much harder with worry. I can’t do it. I can’t be concerned. Particularly about other women. Here’s the thing: I’ve made it to a point in my life where I’m finding out what I need from people –if I need them at all. My oldest friends have been placed on the chopping block side-by-side with my latest lover. I trust no one. I especially distrust women. I come as a single package. I don’t roam from club to club with a group of chicks for his friends –unless that’s what I want to do. Most times, I don’t. Most times, I don’t like enough people enough at any given instance to go the same place as them. I’d rather be home. Alone. In my bed. With Mary Jane & Jay-Z, to be honest. The issue is, I’m good all by myself –people like that, men & women alike. I make friends with women who want to be friends with me because they don’t need to be. I date men who want to be seen with me because no one else has been. I’m know to walk alone for a reason. We all work for our own motives, but to pretend they don’t exist is to set yourself up for disappointment.
I wonder what each of us is here for. I had a Jay-Z vs Nas discussion last night to which I backed my dedication (they used to call myself Lady Rocafella. Watch out.) with Cartesian logic in which I expect everyone to be as truthful to the world I as am. Perhaps I am naive. Perhaps I expect too much for mere humans, but I’m human myself and if I can tell the truth, so can everyone else. “No one’s real,” he said. They were discussing another rapper whose name I missed (which happens when you link up with the right people). “I’m real,” I responded low and raspy because this cold has been unapologetically fucking with me. I’m not sure if they heard me, but I said it. Who are you people? I thought to myself in a room full of strangers I was meant to befriend. I went to an alumni thing for DAIS ( heard about it through a friend. Decided it’d be a good networking event though I didn’t go to an NY school *shrugs* Diversity initiatives grew me, so they deserve a big shout out). It was a lovely event. By lovely I mean… quaint. It felt familial. It was nice. There were good people in that room. But I’m not much of a talker, especially when I’m expected to be. I listen first. I feel people out. Some people can jump in, but you’ve got to understand, I’m about my money first. I prefer conversation that does something. Aaaaaannnddd, I was trying to see who was the best bet for my business card without throwing them around the room. So I sat back & watched. People are amusing. We sit around and put forth the image we think we’re supposed to have. Meanwhile, we fight to hide emotions that are written far too plainly across our faces. We smile and laugh and pretend it’s love… Well, again, I’m about my business. For those of you who’ve received a business card from me, you know the deal. And on a good day, I’ll give you two cards. I said this yesterday, so I’ll say it again today to preface tomorrow: I’m going to be somebody. A big somebody. & I’m trying to meet more people like me. Birds of a feather, you know 😉
Is it wrong that all I can think of when I meet a person is what they can do for me? I need to know if you add to the situation. Some people simply don’t, so I keep them at a distance. Some people cost you time. They cost you money. Meanwhile, you could be investing in something much more worth the time. Truthfully, I’m simply not impressed with a whole lot of people. & More often than not, people disappoint me. It’s sad, really. I don’t fret over it anymore because I’ve learned to have less faith in people than I once used to. It’s because I no longer believe the things that come out of people’s mouths –especially those with too much to say. I sat silent and watched people pretend they don’t care where they’re going to end up. We get to pretend that being “nice” is all that matters. People are expendable. Unfortunately. It’s a sad reality of our day. With the glooming economy, a wavering system of leadership and a history that begs forgiveness, our country is what it is. America is a place where, to get rich, you can’t consider the competition & their emotions. & because I have no other way to say this, ain’t nobody gonna buy my momma a house except me.
I have very little faith in anyone but myself. I am the only person I know. I am the only thing I am sure of. People are way too difficult to figure out. Each of us has secret demons hidden in dark corners of our minds that someone, somewhere is trying to purge from us: Whether it be greed, racism, or misogyny. I used to be a purger, but I’ve stepped over to the other side now. I accept people for who they are, no matter what degree of evil they fall under –I simply understand they have that in them and live my life accordingly. I try not to get wrapped up in it. & while it tempts me, I fight to not let it persuade me. I think I see the world in this light because I’m a greedy, racist, misogynist myself. I want to be filthy rich happily married a Black man who has no interest in white women so I can make more beautiful creatures just like us. I believe that a man should be a man and a woman should play her role. Unfortunately though, most females are hoes because those same “men” are dogs. With that said, you see how no one is really at fault, it simply depends on which lens you’re looking through.
All I want is truth. I want to know who people are as well as their true intentions. But I don’t have faith any one but me can provide that. So until then, I keep everyone at an arm’s length distance. I treat my friends and enemies alike.
F*ck__________. Get Money.