|Harper’s Bazaar, Nov 2011|
Truth is, it isn’t all perfect. I tell xxxxxxxx that he is because he is aside from his humanity. At least he tells the truth. At least I think so. At least for now. I try to control my thoughts –it’s far to easy to lose them in a heated debate with my conscience. The issue isn’t the things I don’t know, rather those which I do. I know that I’ve begun to question him in areas I once felt were safe. And I know that the answer to the text message I sent him 2 hours ago will probably illicit a response along the lines of “my phone was dead,” or something similar. Even when people love you, how much of what they say can you trust? How much should you even expect to?
I think he lied to me. About something pretty serious, but I have no proof except the proof itself. *shrugs* It’s one of those brilliant times I deem it better to have been born dumb. But instead of bugging. Instead of texting him a million messages. Instead of questioning him. I’ve let him ride out. I’ve shown him just how great I can be. I let him lie. I let him take whatever stance it was he needed to take. If he’s already done something wrong, I know the excuse was plotted out well before I asked the question. I didn’t want to cause him additional stress. There’s no need for me to sit through more lies than necessary. I don’t want to ask the particulars of the story because if continues to lie to me, I’m going to find myself to be even further disrespected than I already am. There is only one thing left to do. He has to learn. I’ve got to son this man.
Now, it’s time for me to pull back. I’ve given to him even after he’s made mistakes and if he doesn’t feel blessed right now, he never will. I know he doesn’t understand. He’s a nigga in all senses of the word – especially in that (I feel as though) he must have only been dealing with dumb hoes until now. I think a man’s greatest fear is puttin all he has into a situation and then coming out on the losing end. His second greatest: Finding the one and losing her to someone more deserving. I’m pro Plan B. I’m never going to give him any ammo to use against me. I’m going to be a good woman in all senses of the word. There is no need for an argument. No need to curse. What happens now, is that he goes back to the home base. He’s got to try to hit it all over again. And when I throw it at him, he better knock it out the park.
While you can’t let a man get away with everything you also can’t allow yourself to stress everything. I feel so good knowing that no matter how he disrespects me, I’ll be okay without him. That I can let him go when I need to. And when I choose to do so, it’s going to burn. He will regret it. We’re currently in a good place (so he thinks) aside from the text he hasn’t responded to, but I’m going to keep moving. Some people call this “pretend like nothing happened,” but in reality, nothing did. If he wants to trick around, he’s going to lose me. That’s his loss. And while it might take me more than a minute to get another him, it won’t take me too long.
I’ve learned my lesson. The reason I’ve stopped trippin over the dumb shit guys do is for the benefit of the next. So when I tell read through my “Why it all Ended,” story book, I have nothing to be ashamed of. And when I get to the end of every chapter, Mr. Right will agree with the moves I make, therefore qualifying me be Mrs. Right. Your past relationships are track records of how you handle certain situations. Every relationship is going to throw you a curve ball. You’re job is anticipate it and hit it on mark. We all get a 3 tries. & some hit more fouls than others, but remember it takes a shit-load of practice (and dirty little secrets) to hit homeruns.
As I stand here on the pitching mound, I wonder how prepared he is for the next pitch. I’ll throw it to him easy (i’ve been pretty tough so far) to see if he even cares to win the game. If he doesn’t, I’ll notice. If you make teach a man to hit it right, and he continues to fail to do so, you’ve got to understand what that means. Actions are the only thing you should watch. If you mute a TV, they’re still doing exactly what they’re talking about, so what a man says don’t mean shit. You can be in the same room with someone and not hear a word they say, but you can see them clearly. You can look in their eyes. You can see how they react to you. You can understand the real deal.
Don’t believe shit people say. Experience it for yourself. He says he wants to move me to Jersey. Walk-In closet & all. But I don’t participate in the conversation until the papers are ready to sign. & I’m picking out toiletries. Talk is talk is talk. Anyone can do it. Some people share their dreams and aspirations, others just talk fancy to impress you. I’m not a big talker, ask around. I don’t like to talk about what I do, where I go, what I buy (only reason I do it on this blog is because I’m really talking to myself). I’d rather do it. I’d rather show you. I’ll tell you I shop on 5th Ave, and tell you there’s an H&M there. Some people tell you what you want to hear and leave out the details. A man will tell you how much he cares about you, but won’t comment on the reason that statement isn’t followed by diamonds. People only give you half. Be careful. Pay attention. The minute you get wrapped up in the things people say to you, the less you pay attention to the things they do.
Be careful, yo. Shit ain’t all flowers, shoes & candy –unless it is. Unless you make it that way. Unless you require it. Unless you correct it and act accordingly when it’s not.
Only reason I’m here: I want what is owed to me. & That’s no secret.