I’m tough to deal with. I live in some sort of fairytale that turns most people away. & the fairytale I dream of every night opens with a hallway full of mirrors and chandeliers. My dreams, though, turn to nightmares soon as I wake: Ceiling bare and walls too close for my taste. Not enough windows. Not enough air. Not enough space. I’m happier when I’m asleep. & in this terrifying nightmare of a reality, my dream home belongs to someone else. That should be mine, I think upon waking. And from there I go. From there it happens. All of my thoughts are punctuated with dollar signs. I construct mental blueprints. Plots. The possibilities change. There are deviations. I brainstorm. But the end goal is always the same. I want the money. Cold. Hard. Cash. Fuck what you heard.
“Stop being a goldigger,” she said, “We have our own money.” The comment surprised me coming from the mouth of a 49ers fan –the team is named after the gold-rush. Not that that’s the reason to love a team but… it made me think… What do you know? Golddigging is what made this country what it is. From the actual action of mining to women across oceans hoping for nothing more than an American man to love them. It is the reason people claimed it was the land of roads paved in gold. I’m a fuckin American. I dig for gold whether it’s in niggas or at the beach. I’m trying to profit, so fuck you. Oh but, no, I won’t fuck you. Not for no gold. Diamonds? Maybe. Last Sunday, I picked out my wedding ring –its prototype, at the least. My only reason for allowing a substitute is because it’s a roundabout $2Million. And I’m understanding. Although, I still want the muthafucka. People have always looked at me sideways for requiring a gross ring. (By gross I mean I want it to look fake and gaudy as fuck. I want bitches to feel disgusted with their rings after they see mine. I deserve that. I want to feel good about my choice of man 150% of the time. Especially when he’s not there to defend himself.) I figured out that the ring comes first, or whatever you would accept. If you’re okay with an okay ring, you’re okay with an okay man. I don’t think that every woman should think like me. Broke niggas need love too, right? I also don’t think that men should 150% agree with me & consider this “right”, but they should feel like, if they were a female, they’d think like me, too.
I deserve things. & as much as people around me have tried (and continue) to make me think otherwise, I only prove them wrong (continuously). I won’t lie. As I sit back and reread my thoughts, I understand how the “golddigger” epithet attaches itself to my many names, but if you ever call me a golddigger, it’s because you’ve never really met a boss before. I bust my ass. I work fuckin hard. Too hard, even. & some people just don’t understand that. There’s an end goal to all of this. Anyone who cares for me understands that I’m not yet where I need to be, so I’ve got to spend that time on myself. So I can’t give myself if it’s not worth it. I don’t have time to invest myself in something that’s not worth it. So while I require a nigga with some cash I can spend, I don’t require a nigga whatsoever. Therein lies the difference. I don’t need a nigga. But I will spend every last penny in his pocket. Because I should be able to. Because if he needed it, I’d have the cash in my pocket, too. A woman is a savings account if you work it right. If she’s right. You see, I spend your money, so I don’t have to spend mine. I mean… that’s why I can’t save. I keep having to spend my money. If I had extra money, I’d be good. Ya Mean? lol That’s a woman. Me, though? I’m the upgrade. Not only will do have cash in my pocket, but lots of it.
I believe in soul mates. I believe your soul mates like any other species does. Sometimes with only one, but most likely with multiples. I think that everyone I’ve fallen in love with was my soul mate. I loved them for a little bit, I promise. It was real at some point. But when it stopped being real. I probably stopped loving. They can all tell you their respective stories. But there are so many different parts of a person to figure out. And if it takes us so long to figure our own selves out, it’ll take a while to figure out someone else, too. Hopefully & eventually, you’ll find yourself beside someone who understands themselves as much as you understand yourself. Then you can get shit off your chest and put in on the table. You can address it with immediacy. I used to get around to the issue of money and how I didn’t like a broke nigga in fear that he might judge me –because many do. But in reality, I should just be with someone who understands just like I do. Who, if he were me, would think the same way. You should be compatible –people forget that. We get with people who are good for now. Niggas who will do for now. Until you realize the shit they’re not doing. Until you realize what else it out there. Until you’ve established –for yourself– what you deserve. If you think you don’t deserve anything more than what he’s giving, I hope it’s because he’s giving you everything. Because everything you want, you deserve. He should feel that way at least. If he loves you. & If you love him too, you’ll feel the same way about you. A relationship is even when both parties are going out of their way for the other. You should be doing for each other, not because you have to, but because that person deserves it. Because after you go out of your way, they make you happy you did it. You feel appreciated.
I appreciate him. On some real professional shit. Like… A boss. I appreciate what he does for me. I appreciate him making my days easier. Whether that be easing my financial load, relieving my stress or simply putting a smile on my face. I need a man by my side who simply make living easier. As I take my next step with my hand in his, I should feel no fear. I should feel no hesitation. That’s why I require he spend now. Because I don’t want to worry about that. Money is one of the top reasons people divorce. So while money can’t be everything… it can’t be nothing either. I like to meet in the middle about it. I want someone who also believes that money is nothing and everything. Always both. Always at the same time. That way, we’re both concerned with both. We both want success and love. One is no good without the other, I’m sure of it. Love don’t pay bills. And electricity may keep you warm but it doesn’t cuddle with you.
Men have an advantage because, in the relationship, they typically assume the boss role. They call the shots & we end up in a sort of secretarial position. Taking his notes. Filling out his calendar. That’s not what you want to do –well, not if you’re like me. That’s not enough for me.. I need to have a voice. I need to be respected. I need my opinion to be valued. I need him to feel like I was the best option. That’s why I’m here. There is no one more suitable. Because if there’s someone better for the postion, that person should have had it. A freelancing wifey is not enough for a boss nigga. Only sometimes. Only when needed. Only when shit gets tough. A good boss keeps those around who are most profitable. The ones who are most beneficial in the situation at hand. That is the one who gets hired. The one who gets the raise. I am a good boss. I only keep niggas around who are worth it. & While I am a boss and don’t need a boss, I could use a partner who is as much of a boss as I am –maybe more. (I hope you’re following.) So if I do decide to take on a boss, I need one who understands my potential and how much I can bring to the table. One who doesn’t mind taking me on and grooming into the best I can be by providing me with positive working conditions. By keeping me happy in my position. Satisfied. Because the better I feel about my position, the better I’ll do my job. & the better I do my job, the better he looks. This is a true boss situation.
But a boss also puts you on payroll. So when you start talking to these niggas, remember that a boss pays. A good boss pays well. You make your own decision as to who you let boss you around (because my man will be my boss & I’ll treat him like one). But a lot of bitches out here are being bossed around by chump-ass broke niggas. Fuck putting in your two weeks. If a niggas isn’t benefitting you, why is he you still around? I know too many females treating these dogsniggas like kings. Feeding niggas? Clothing niggas? And all he does is piss on your feet? Fuck that. & I only say fuck that cuz I aleady did that. But I was 16. I was a kid (with stupid amounts of cash. I’ve always been a boss. Ask around. Even my haters will tell you.) All I’m saying is that if you’re going to do things for a man, it better be worth it. He better be giving you everything you need. & that doesn’t have to be cash. You might not need what I need. We don’t all have the same price tag. Maybe all you need is $10 for gas. A meal. Mascara. A kiss. A hug. He should have that that for you though. Just because your price tag is low doesn’t make you cheap. he’s lucky you like his dumb ass that much. I’m not as nice as you, though *shrugs* Still, he should have everything you need even if he has nothing.
I’m not as coldhearted as you may think I am. (Why isn’t coldhearted a word? Kindhearted is. Goodhearted is. Coldhearted officially is too *adds to dictionary* You’re all very welcome. smh. I even upgrade the English language. I can’t blogging alone. The game needs me! lol) I value love to the veriest. (Dope word, huh? It’s the word-of-the-day on Dictionary.com. My fav ipad app. I like words if you haven’t noticed. They’re my favorite things in the word. Finding the right word is like finding the right man. Takes a while -and you pick the wrong ones for a too long of a while — but it’s a relief when you do. I also love my thoughts. So even when one might think they don’t fit in the context of the conversation, I know they do. I listen to myself. People have thoughts for a reason. Pay attention to them.) I also value my happiness. My comfort level. I value the shit I want for me. I value my chandelier dreams. & it’s not fair for anyone to take those from me. A man who loves you will do anything for you. The man who is right for you can do those things for you. It’s not that the broke man doesn’t love you –he does –but he’s not the only one who will.
Stop settling for broke –That’s a message to females and males. A nigga doesn’t like a broke female either. Be the best you you can be. That’s how you keep a man. If you love you, he’ll love you too.
& Don’t let them dream killers kill your dreams.
Kanye West – “Last Call”