Ella,




[The “Friendless Satisfaction”] post touched a nerve with me because I have struggled for years with feeling and honestly being friendless. It seems to be you struggle with admitting you feel that way as well?….but from a few of your posts i see you have like 3-5 BFFs like Carl – so you are blessed. I always hear ppl say “I’m blessed” and i see how – cuz even amidst their struggles they have ppl to go to, shoulders to cry on, true love to keep them going and ppl to look out for and support them. And when times are good they have ppl to create memories with, a vacation with, take picture with that go into “Friends For Life” frames…

As an educated Black woman, who ventured beyond my country to the US and studied hard to maintain my college scholarship and struggled with fitting in with the college culture of drinking, clubbing and hooking up with random guys…I graduated proudly with honors and quite sadly with next to no friends. I spend a lotta my time face down in books and the rest working 2-3 jobs to support myself. I didn’t realize everyone was pairing off Freshman year into cliques and by Sophomore year it was apparent I didn’t have “my girls” or guy friends for that matter.Your in-laws quote about friends being from childhood, college and family saddens me because I know it’s true but what that means is my bridal party looks bleak. Sure I have family…but we’re not that close and sure I have some friends from college but these “friendships” weren’t from one clique nor did they ever feel real to me cause (and i feel bad saying this) to me they were “better than nothing” friends versus the “other” girls who genuinely laffed with their friends and had inside jokes, who shopped and dressed up with their “girls” and hit the parties, who had sleepovers and overnight talks and today have lunches and happy hours and fly to visit eachother in whatever states they may be in now to attend grad school graduation, weddins and baby showers….years later. To me – that’s friendship…and I feel I will never have it. This void has plagued me for years and though I am pretty,super social, like to go out (like you – not everynight or even every weekend) and meet people, I have suffered secretly from undiagnosed depression and I don’t need a doctor to tell me what’s going on with me. But when you buy the flyest phone which barely rings, and have a walk-in closet of clothes and shoes and not much of anywhere to go often, a lovely apartment with no one to entertain….life feels pointless, because life is social and when that aspect is nonexistent, it feels like a vaccuum, an island, a blank slate and a LONG journey…of solitude. For years I have tried to fix this and go out and meet ppl, step outside my comfort zone and all I end up with are ppl who are cool that day at that event and then guess what? They return to their social circles while you expect them to invite you to something cuz they were nice that day. I need them, but they don’t need me…

I’m even scared to date dudes because soon enough i get asked “going out with your girls tonight”…”where your girls at?”…and feel worthless to know deep inside that I don’t have any and that that will soon come to light…That if this thing turned into marriage (yes – i realize this is over thinking and projection)…I’d be having a wedding where he has all these boys and a long list of wedding attendees and me..well….I guess my cousins could be my bridesmaids….

FML…Any words…?

~A life alone…



Dear Life, 

You’re not as alone as you think you are. 

        I will say that I am very fortunate having the friends I have. But I can’t pretend they were always my friends. Or that they are always my friends. I can’t pretend I didn’t care about friends. I always have a bit too much. I’m super loyal and have a secret obsession for fame. I like to be known, so I’ve always made it a point to meet people. That’s the reason I partied so much in college (everyday except Sunday and Tuesday, in fact). Some of us made time to party in college, other’s didn’t. I’m happy to see you made a wiser decision than I did – I wasn’t strong enough to keep my head in the books although I sometimes wish I had been.  Some people are also having a hard time figuring out how to eat right now… It sounds like you aren’t. Congratulations. I just wanted to point out, from the beginning, that shit isn’t as bad for you as they could be. Blessings come in many fashions & please believe, friends don’t pay your bills. Mine don’t. & I’m not paying theirs.

    I’ve come to realize that, in life, you give and take.

You have to bet in order to make money off the race. People put their effort in at different times. My life is just different from yours and unfortunately, I’ve already been where you are. When I was in the 8th grade, I decided to apply to private school. Seeing how I grew up in a 1-square mile city and had lived in the same house my entire life, enrolled in the same school system as well, making this move meant I’d have to leave all of my friends. But, my priorities were as they were. Was a freshman in high-school, the only (i don’t give a fuck what anyone says) real black woman (proud of who she was and unwilling to change it) in almost the entire school. I ate my lunch alone -by my locker for a while. There are times when I’ve had many friends. There were times I had none. When you get to the end of this post, you’ll understand the most important friend you need. 

        You don’t need them. That is where you’ve made your most grave mistake. You’re alive and that’s a beautiful thing. Instead of going out and searching for people to keep you company, enjoy yourself. When you’ve become your own  best friend, the rest will follow. What really do you need friends for? To go out? You can’t leave the house by yourself? To dress up? I dress up everyday to make myself happy. Girl, if you have that closet full of clothes you better get to struttin. What you’ll realize, when you begin to be your own friend, is who else is really a friend. If they dont make the effort to hang with you, you need to stop chasing them. The worst is to fall into an unequal relationship. Remember I had met that girl at the bank? (Read this), she turned out to be the phonies person alive. I saw her at the bank again. She told me she got a new number. When I told her I’d take it down, she looked at me funny. I realized after the first couple digits it was because it was the same number I already had stored. Triflin, huh? Obviously I never called her. That’s not a friend I needed. You need to pay attention because you don’t need as many friends as you think you do. Not everyone is a good person. 

         Friends don’t need to be there. They should love you from miles away. You should remain friends regardless of time or distance. Perhaps you have friendships that simply haven’t fully developed. You have to give them time. I’m not sure if you heard, but I didn’t like Carl. We didn’t speak for 3 years. We just  became friends, relatively. Ashley, I’ve loved since I met her freshman year in college. She’s one of my best friends but I know who her best friend is. Still, she’s my best friend too. Because I love her, not because we hang out. But when we get together or we speak, I recall all the reasons she’ll always be my friend. She’s a good person I’m grateful to have in my life even if I only see her once or twice a year. The other 2 are my best friends. Crystal and Sabrina whom I’ve known since Kindergarten & 2nd grade respectively. We’re friends because there’s no one else who can put up with us like we do. We’re like sisters. I don’t see them much. And our lives have veered off in different directions but I love them nonetheless. At times, I feel like they’re good without me since they have each other and I’m far away, but I understand that I also have the responsibility to maintain the friendship. You have to call them, too. You have to try, too. & I notice when they try as well. Luckily, we’re all independent spirits and function (almost too) well without each other. But those girls are my heart & soul so I wouldn’t let the friendship go even if it ended. Truth be told, Sabrina my relationship isn’t the way it used to be, but like I told her, I’m going to be her friend no matter what, because that’s how much that friendship means to me (even though I fucked up and missed her birthday FML, it’s first I missed in 15 years tho lol). If she’s my friend as well, she’ll cut me some slack –and I should probably call her this weekend. I don’t mean this is a bad way, but why  don’t you have friends? I’m sure it’s both you and them. The reason I don’t have too many friends is because I’m too outspoken. I don’t trust people enough. I think that I sometimes intimidate people. There are people who don’t necessarily want to hang with me, I’d assume. I’m not the friendliest person. Plus, I smoke a hell of a lot of Mary Jane. Not everyone can put up with that.  I’m like 4 or 5 people myself. People aren’t that great, believe me. Friends aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

      & when it comes to guys asking if you have girlfriends, honestly, he should be happy that you have a limited number of people in your ear. I’ve found that when guys ask about friends, they’re thinking about the wrong things –why is he so concerned with who you know when his priority is you? He should be content with you. I simply take it as a compliment. He wants to know if you have any friends who (may or may not, but hopefully do) look like you. But, if he likes you that much, his friends don’t matter. All he needs is one girl. He can’t marry all of your friends so what does it matter who’s at the wedding. Additionally, maybe the kind of guy you need is just as solitary as you are. Perhaps your guy will be your friend (as he should be). Perhaps he doesn’t have a long list of people –and maybe he doesn’t want one. People don’t have as many friends as they pretend to. & they also don’t necessarily like  everyone they hang out with. That’s why all those girls you went to college with -who dressed alike as they partied together–spent most of their time talking behind each other’s back and that’s why they probably don’t hang out anymore. Not everything is as nice as it looks from the outside. 

      I’m not sure of how to tell you to go out and meet new friends, except to get out there. I think that’s one of the toughest things to do. I’d rather you reconsider the people who are already in your life. You might not be best friends currently, but who says you can’t grow into that. & if you’re already considering having your cousins as your bridesmaids, then maybe you should get to know them before the time comes. Or maybe you can go out with them & take advantage of the situation. Meet new people. The easiest alternative to making female friend is going on lots & lots of dates 🙂 Some of these guys might turn into good friend (as long as you keep it there). The best thing about dates turning into male friends, is that you get the conversation, the friendship and  you’re treated like a lady. They’re my fav. And…So what if you only have family. Have you ever stopped to think about those girls who have dozens of friends and no family. Doesn’t that speak towards their priorities? I’ll admit, when I was younger, my friends were everything. As I grow older, even though Carl is a great friend of mine, my best friends are my mother and my sister. Nothing against Carl, and I know he wouldn’t take offense (this is why we’re friends), he can fuck me over tomorrow. Even worse, he can fuck me over today. Friends aren’t the people you go visit and you go on vacation with -they’re the people you can trust to never hurt you. The people who, if you are hurting, would never forward your call to voicemail. The people who, if they are having a get together, invite you even if you can’t attend –because you’re that important. & who says that because you share blood you can’t be friends? We need to reevaluate that, as a people, don’t you think?I encourage you to take another look around you. Who are the people in your life? Perhaps you’ve mislabeled them (as we do often, unfortunately).

      I suppose it all depends on what you’re looking for. Me? I’m pretty done with the partying etc. as you mentioned. Cutting down on that cuts down on number of people you need to fill that space. If you just want someone to hang with, grab dinner with a cousin –or go out with anyone. I just go. Sometimes I go alone. If people invite oyu out to events, go! IDK if you’re in NY, but The Red Eye Group is fantastic. They hold open mic nights in Brooklyn every Monday and they’re a group of women you would want to hang out with –focused, driven, determined and independent. (Check their Twitter @TheRedEyeGroup). My advice is to show up as a professional. Go to “networking” events. Meet people in the same social circle as you (or higher). The first step to breaking out of that depression is learning to love your own company. You have to realize that you’re always with yourself, so you’re never really alone. & if you don’t like spending time why yourself, why should anyone else? If you don’t like to go to dinner with yourself, why would anyone else? You catch my drift? I go to things like this and I meet other women. #NoHomo lol. You need like-minded individuals. People who have the same free time and interests as you do. If you and I both felt like we didn’t have friends, I’m sure there are plenty other women out there just as blind as I was and you are. You’re failing to see the truth. You have a friend. It’s you. & if ever you need one more, you have me. And that’s real.



    My mom says that friends will come when you’ve finished becoming who you are. (She’s secretly a genius btw.) Because as you continue to change, your friends change, too. People move, people grow, people mature, people enter different social circles and follow different paths in life. Sometimes, I sit back and reevaluate the people in my life and leave out the most important one – myself. I love myself so much. I go everywhere with myself. I treat myself well. I look out for my best interests. I give myself advice. I compliment myself and laugh at my own jokes. I ask myself what I want to do on the weekend and do exactly what I want to do. Friends will come baby girl, but they also leave –be careful chasing such an ephemeral desire. You shouldn’t base what you want on what you observe others to have. You have to understand that not everything can be the same, therefore it isn’t. We’re all different. Some of us have millions of friends, some of us just have ourselves. 


Some weddings are quiet.
Some women don’t have bachelorette parties. 
Some of my cousins are my best friends. 
Sometimes family is all you need. 
Sometimes you need to sit back and tell yourself you had a good time with you. 
Sometimes you should make yourself smile. 
Some women go out by themselves *cough, cough*
Some women are worth 10 of the females out there now a day, so they walk loudly alone.
Some people are just like you. 
Sometimes it’s only you. 
Sometimes, you have to look at what you do  have an stop focusing on what you think is missing. 

       What you might be looking for is all-the-time-always-in-my-ass friend. Someone you’re always associated with. Always you and her. a partner in crime. You don’t want that. To be honest, you might be a little too grown for that. But perhaps you need to experience it to understand why it’s not beneficial. The best friends to have are the ones who don’t need you. the ones who can survive without you because they can help you do the same. Because when it comes that day you are married and have children etc, do you really think you’ll want all those friends? Or that you’ll have the time for it? I don’t think I would. That’s why I like my friends limited and long distance. 

Careful what you ask for, doll. 

Take a look in the mirror & say hi to your only BFF, for me 😉

xoxo
Ella.