I haven’t eaten a decent meal in days. My hunger is only for more. Yet, I’ve never been more satisfied. I’ve taken the time to situate myself. The issue I used to have was that I wanted to do so much… but I couldn’t see the path to the end. What I failed to notice is that if you are not a follower, there is no path. It’s my responsibility to pave the road before me. And Jesus might have left footprints in the san but I sure the sun has blown since then. Things have changed since then. Essentially though, it’s all the same. Each of us has parts of our lives that we need to pay attention to. There is educational improvement, financial stability, emotional connection and spiritual awareness and happiness. Within all of these, we consider others –friends, family, lovers– but all of them fall second to yourself, or at least they should. You see, I’ve always known what I wanted. I wanted to make full use of my time –and my mind.

       Luckily, I started on the path to educational improvement first. It was all training for my brian. It’s the reason I’m at one job, completing my tasks while I embark on plans B and C (as I told you in Sideline Ambition). It’s the reason I’m able  to manage it all. My brain functions beyond my comprehension. It manages. We have worked long enough that work isn’t work at all. The point of schooling was just to get me used to excelling in 6 different classes any given semester. I multitask my ass off. Meanwhile, I am a woman. Love is a tricky situation plagued by deceit and despair. I never knew until this moment what it mean to not chase love. It’s not that you can’t hope for it –you shouldn’t give up– rather you should continue on in faith that no matter where you are, it’ll find you. It’s hard to believe until it does find you. But it won’t find you until you’ve first found yourself. 
         Step two. Money, cash, doe.

I care not what the rest of the world believes, I stand behind my claim that without money… life is almost not worth living. Not to say that money is the purpose of life, but if you’ve ever been broke before, you know it’s not a good feeling. It’s like you live life behind “Do Not Cross” tape. There’s only so much you can do. You can’t travel. You can barely enjoy yourself. you cant do anything just to do it because rent needs to be paid next month. I simply couldn’t I couldn’t focus on anything else in life until I was stable enough to get something underneath me. When you cant afford things, you miss out. I was in Puerto Rico two weeks ago. I know that’s not a big deal but when you come from nothing, that’s all it really takes to make you happy. It’s to do things you hadn’t envisioned being able to do. It’s comfort. Its relieve of stress. It’s no longer being able to associate with the word “worry”. I’d like to say I’m standing on my wallet, but credit cards take up little space. & I’m not living large, but I’m living comfortably enough. Comfortably enough to even decrease my spending because I have everything I need. I even have most of the things I wanted… but the wants have shifted.  After I gained stability, again I wanted love. When you get all the tangible shit, it’s the ephemeral you chase. But you get what you were looking for. Love is a drug like any other it only lasts but so long… depending on how much you’re willing to put into it. Sometimes, I put more than I had. There are times you think you’re ready for love, but you’re not. You’ll claim you are… until you fall so hard into it you fall through the muthafucka. 
      My spirit has been calling to me. I got my “ex” an all black Guess watch from my people at Daniella’s (7th ave b/t 38th & 39th) Not the most expensive watch in the pace, but fresh nonetheless (check it out). Well, then things happened & after I finished writing “I Will Survive,” I walked right back down to my jeweler and traded the watch for the gold rosary I had gone in for in the first place. “What happened?” he asked me when I returned it, “bad guy?” “Very bad guy,” I responded. The tears started coming and he insisted I take a bottle of water (no napkin though. I supposed to replace the liquid?). But ever since I got the rosary it’s been either around my neck or in my pocket (on the days I opt for silver). And then I downloaded this bible app on my iPad… and randomly walked into church on a Tuesday. I’ve been reconsidered my place in this world –for myself and relative to others. I’ve been focusing on how I feel. I’ve been trying to be happy. Maybe I needed the Jesus piece for the inner piece. 
       Meanwhile, I’ve been ignoring everyone… no matter how much I love them. I assume that everyone who loves me and knows me understands my passion. My determination. I know that they have faith in whatever it is I’m doing. And even though I haven’t been out looking for anyone, good things have come my way. The people who love me most have shown their face. They’ve let me know, in their own ways, that they understand. And no matter how cute my lover is, I’ve forced myself to focus on myself. If, while I’m out finding myself, a man decides to leave, I thank him wholeheartedly. I need someone who can stand beside me miles away. Someone who believes in my dreams for me even if they don’t know what they are… and in turn, I want to be able to do that for a person as well. But everything I “believe” at this point, needs to be well supported. I don’t continue on with someone who’s unfit for me –it’s really just a waste of time. If our views don’t align or our goals don’t match, then we must not be in the same race. I need a partner. It seems to me the tables have turned. Once upon a time a man needed a woman to ride for him… but I need a man to ride for me as well. I’m still willing to do the same for me, I’ll be there as much as possible, but I maintain my own life. I stay focused on my goals. I never wait on his calls but I look forward to them. And how much we speak has to be in line with our lives. When he calls, I pick up… I don’t put much above my Daddy, but when I’m working… he knows I’ll get back to him asap. I know he does the same for me.  I do believe that when you find your “soulmate” you are as complete as it gets. You might as well be the best half a person you can be, though. All relationships are 50/50. Both parties are responsible for how it plays out. It’ll only work if you both want it to… but I’m sure you’ve noticed that some people’s 50 is really 15. You need someone who matches your drive –as do I.

     But I can’t pretend to be more ready than I am. I need things so very slow right now. When a relationship feels too real, we don’t know what to do. I say keep it exactly as it is. Some people never want to get married, I never want to say, “I love you”. I’ll know when the ring gets here. When you choose me, I’ll know that you’ve made up your mind. And when I say yes, everything should be solidified. There shouldn’t be a question as to whether or not a man loves you… the real question is whether or not he loves you for you and only you. Love is the last thing I’m looking for. Now, it’s really all about connection and happiness. If I don’t feel it, if I don’t feel  like I could walk down the aisle with you, who are we kidding? Either you want someone or you don’t. Sometimes, we keep the wrong people around just to take up space. Just to fill a void. If its real love, you should love regardless of everything. Fuck time, distance, past, present, what he said or she said or what they might say. You’re heart is settled on that one person. And whether your dreams come to fruition tomorrow or 10 years from now, it should all be the same. What should remain the same is the happiness. You should always want to pick up that phone. You should look forward to hearing their voice and maybe seeing them –understanding if you can’t. You should feel like they support you in everything you do and that you have a shoulder to lean on should you ever need it, but you should be strong enough on your own to never need it. You should smile. You should laugh. You should simply be grateful that –even if they are miles away — at least they exist. And you should hope that, at the very least, they have a good day and give them a reason to smile every chance you can.

    The person who makes you smile is the person for you. The one who fills all voids in your life. The person who, if you lost everyone around you, could (and would) take on the burden of being your confidant as joy. That person should be your best friend. That’s one cliche I do believe. It should be you and him, stranded on an island for the rest of your days with nothing but love. And smiles.

& even though you know what they say about people, seasons and the reasons. 
*shrugs* 
Take happiness as it comes for what it is.
 Don’t force it. 
Enjoy it. 
If you haven’t noticed, I’m out to redefine love.
 Happiness is what I’m really looking for. 

xoxo
Ella