“Thank God you blew it. Thank God I dodge the bullet. I’m so over you. Baby good lookin’ out. I wanted you bad. I’m so through with that. Cuz, honestly, you turned out to be the best thing I never had.
Beyonce, “Best Thing I Never Had”

I wrote this September 20th, 2011 but never published it.

I dont really know why we’re fighting. All I know is that, for some reason, it was too cold for a quickie this morning. I wanted to roll over & call him a female, but instead, I hopped in the shower so I’d have some space to be upset.

Sometimes, we make ourselves more upset than we need to be.

What it’s seeming like now is that he has nothing to say back to me. He’s fantastic at arguing. His come backs are always in rotation, ready to release. I doubt a lame come-back has ever left his lips. But… he gets a little rude. He gets a little lost in the way he’s used to being. He tends to confuse my confidence with the ignorance of the common hoodrat because you know they can be a a pretty as you want them to be, and still be the same damned thing. I’m unsure he’s fully realized who I am.

I don’t speak to him much. I don’t tell him much about myself because the details of my life a rarely relevant in the conversation. Not to mention, I hate feeling like I’m on a dating show. I’d rather get to know someone the same way friends become familiar with one another –over time. Eventually, details make their way into a story and you learn about the other person without ever having to ask a question. Then there’s the factor that, while every person’s life is interesting on it’s own, one person’s story might be more interesting than the next. See… I’ve been through hardship, but the hardship was not my own. I was affected by the residual effects of it all. He, on the other hand, has witnessed life first hand. Hardship, first hand. I just want to know his story. For the first time in a long time, I’m actually interested in someone.

If you know me at all, you know that I fall hard, fast.

I’ve tried to stop thinking about what he’ll do for me in good faith that he will do for me. I have no reason to believe otherwise. There are times when I jump on the defensive too early for my own good. It’s a characteristic of women most men take issue with: The assumption that all men are dogs. It’s a thought that holds just as true as one stating that all women are “crazy”. They’re both correct in some fashion, but it simply depends on the person you are with to decide what level of crazy/dog you’re willing to put up with. Me? I like a little dog –when done appropriately. I know some might not understand but… it’s simply what I… am okay with. 

A lot of shit pisses me off. Simple shit like the way he phrases things. 
     A week and a day later I sat in a corner holding my hand over the left side of my face. I know he took it easy because he’s left handed. I appreciate his using his weaker hand. I suppose someone had to smack reality into me.
      You know what’s wrong. We like to sit around and pretend that the problem came out of nowhere. We  claim we don’t know what happened. But what happened was the same thing that threw you off in the first place is the things that will come around and bite you in the ass int he long run. This isn’t to say that some problems can’t be overlooked, merely to point out that some are more serious than others. There are things you can get over like… the physical – what they look like & where they are. But character goes unchanged. A lazy man is a lazy man at 8am and 8pm. If he had no job this morning, last week, or 5 months ago, he’s going to keep laying up on your couch eating up all the Raisin Bran – which he probably claimed not to like but he’ll empty the box anyway. 
         I knew he was a dog. I said it myself. I even liked it –I said it myself. But not only did I get a dog, but I became his bitch. I cowered under his raised fist debating the best time to strike back. All I had to do was slide through the door, but it wasn’t an easy task with his hands around my neck. I knew it was over. Even more so, I knew I should’ve left his ass alone… but I kept on.  Claiming to be ignorant of my own common sense. I knew he had the ability to throw me over the edge. I knew he was capable of disrespecting me. I should have known better to get involved with a man who was “just looking for a friend” but I moved on anyways. Whole time, I knew that friendship was neither what he had in mind, nor what I was looking for. Still, just to avoid being alone –just to provide myself a little entertainment, I risked everything. 
      The worst outcome of a failed relationship is when it inhibits you from moving forward. You tied yourself to the jerk you half got rid of. He’s not your “boyfriend” anymore, but you continue to speak because he hits you. You might not respond all the time, but if he hits you on the right day –at the right time– you might just respond with a little bit of attitude. This way, he knows that he hasn’t yet won. That you aren’t back on his call… but you are. Every time you respond you allow him to squeeze into your life and –even worse– into your heart. It’s just a text,  right? Nothing will come of it, right? So what if the shoe were on the other foot? What if the guy you’re with is doing the same thing with an ex of his? Is it still just a text? What will come of it, do you think? 
    Deceit is deceit no matter how well justified. Peter Abelard claims that sin occurs before the action takes place. Sin takes place in the moment you even consider doing wrong. It’s the idea that if  the possibility were open to you, you might do it. If you’re current boyfriend fucks up, you might just sleep with one the guys sitting on your bench. You’ve already sinned. You’ve already fucked up the Karma. You’ve already done him wrong. How can you expect him to remain faithful and committed to you when you’ve already allowed yourself space and time to “please yourself”. Sometimes, in looking out for yourself, you’re just ruining what is out there for you. You’ve inserted bad Karma into a relationship and there’s only a matter of time before you start to text too heavy with one or two of those guys and he asks questions. Then, you can argue that that’s just a friend, but when he leaves your house that night, I guarantee he’ll be out considering friends of his own. And since you have already made it okay, do you really have room to dispute your case? & If he’s that good a man, I’m sure someone else will take advantage of the man you took for granted.

      What ever happened to the Golden Rule? I typically bash guys on here and tell them what to do to make us happy, but they don’t quite respond correctly. With that said, I think it’s time someone address women. We’re at fault with the way things have ended, too. We’re not perfect and, if my mother was right –which she typically is– we’re even worse. A woman can be ruined the way a man can’t remember that. So when you’re out fighting invisible wars with him, understand that he will come out on top regardless of how many kills you might have had overall. He’s just another man that ran through you and left you because another man ran through you.

You can’t beat ’em. 
You don’t necessarily have to join ’em.
& there’s really no need to screw ’em. 

    If you don’t want him. Leave him alone. For your sake. For the sake of whatever relationship is coming next. As to respect yourself. It’s simply not attractive for women to be involved with so many men. I used to build my bench up to 7, so I could call them by days of the week and laugh with my friends. But those bedroom conversations have to end at some point. Break ups stop being funny. And when you’re left alone, and you have time to think, you’ll understand where you went wrong. Let’s try to avoid that. It’s not a fun mental space to play in.

    In sum: If you have a man, stop texting your ex unless it’s okay for him to text his. & If you REALLY want to stop talking to a guy, don’t engage him. If you keep responding, you need to figure out why that is. Be clear and honest with yourself. Stop saying you’re going to leave if your not. But once you said you’d leave, leave. I know it’s easier said than done but it’s easier done than you think. They’ll say anything to get a response from you but you have to realize you deserve better. There is no need for the pain or the fighting or the drama. Sometimes you just have to let shit go and have faith that it will all turn out for the best. You’re so afraid of being alone you’ve probably never really gotten the time to love yourself the way you think he does. You need to quit. All you have to do is stop responding. & when you feel like you want to… just remember it’s just going to happen again, except worse. Don’t engage. 

Still need convincing? Read this: Delete Contact? Absolutely.