I hope that you’re the one.If not, you are the prototype. We’ll tip-toe to the sun. & do things I know you like.
Lack of communication can deteriorate a relationship. Whether it’s a simple friendship or complex lover’s engagement, both parties should be on the same page when meeting. You should be willing to walk the same miles. You should share goals, hopes, aspirations. More importantly though, is being upfront and honest with your fears. Sometimes, you get wrapped up in an agreement that you knew was ready to go under –all because you were too afraid to miss out on it. The problem with me is that I get ahead. I fall in love. Quickly. Intensely. It was what I was put on this Earth for. Some men don’t know how to handle it. Some appreciated it, knowing they didn’t deserve it. Some had never had it before and didn’t know what to do with it. Two ignored it. I assume they weren’t ready. One was determined to scar it –to leave his mark in hopes of ruining the beauty locked within. Another tried to murder it –deciding that if it wasn’t their’s it should belong to no one. No matter the situation in the relationship, the one thing that remained the same is that I didn’t see eye to eye with any of them. Some I loved too much, some to little… others not at all. Some I loved simply to prove I could take it away without shedding a tear. One made me cry until my tears finished. He left my eyes so dry I couldn’t tear as the last tried to stop my breaths. I stood stone cold silently telling my heart everything would be okay while I prayed to Gods I didn’t believe in to give me the strength I never knew I had.
I reserved my love for myself. I can’t let it out like I’ve done in the past. There’s a difference between giving your love out slowly and simply making it difficult for any man to love you. After a man has hurt you, it’s only natural to try to heal yourself– protect yourself at the least. But what we end up doing is blocking ourselves from love. We give attitude. We don’t answer questions. We think it’s cute to parade around with a “fuck niggas, I’m single” attitude only to hurt ourselves more and damage anything that even could’ve been. I saw a tweet this morning that outline a hoe as being a woman who slept around while in a relationship. The guy claimed he wouldn’t judge her for what she did while she was single. Well, I do. I judge her. I judge you. I judge myself. Just because you aren’t in a relationship doesn’t mean that you should conduct yourself as if you have no respect. No morals. Having a man shouldn’t be what keeps your legs closed. It should be the fact that you value yourself. That you know that there is much more to you than what lies between your thighs. I admit, I’ve enjoyed myself while the time allowed, but as a woman should. In private. With restraint. Any man you’re involved with should treat you like the rarest stone whether the plan is to spend one night or the rest of your life.
Life is long, yo. Not only does that give one plenty time to experience happiness and joy, but that also allows the same amount of time for mistakes to occur. It’s your job to avoid these at all costs. Some are unavoidable, I understand… but you should make the best of the situation, especially when it derails. We go into relationships like life is over at 30. Truthfully, at 30, I assume my life might just be beginning. I’m not sure where the idea came from, but most women aim to have their children in their early 20s and most men in their mid-20s. Excuse me, but I just got out of school. I don’t have a house. Nor a car (lol, I live in the city, don’t judge me too hard)… and before I add on the expense of a child (health, food, school, clothes, teams, sports, hobbies, toys, trips, camps) I’d like to own everything in full. Fuck a mortgage & I’m allergic to car notes. I still have shit to do. Money to make. A foundation to build before I set my life upon the stone. Sometimes, it seems like everyone around me has finished living. They’re ready and set to sit in a house up under some nigga who can’t pay their bills because they have nothing better to do. You need to go the fuck back to school. The both of you. smh.
Your dreams, goals and life should remain the same outside of your man. I used to think that to love a man, my every thought had to revolve around him. It doesn’t. But if he’s smart, he’ll engage himself in the revolution when the time is right. And the time isn’t always right. I want to get married right now in 7-10 years. I’m ready now. But I know it won’t happen until then. I’m ready now, but not everything is ready now. Just because you think you’re ready, doesn’t mean you are. Hopefully, my time comes sooner and later than I’ve planned but I’ve planned accordingly. If it comes sooner… at least I have 2 feet in the door for my career. If it comes later… Thank God it came. If all else fails, I marry Kanye West. *shrugs* (That’s my back-up plan for my back-up plan.) You know… There are entire continents I haven’t seen. You can’t possibly think I’m done living. Granted I’ll do things with my children, but that’s just like the people I met who want to “run with the kids” so they have kids young. At the end of the day, them and the kids are sitting on the couch watching TV. Shit doesn’t always happen as you plan it. But some of you are bad planners.
I wouldn’t ask you to do anything I wouldn’t do. I only write this because I believe it. Because I’m tired of the way things “are”. I’m tired of “niggas” and “bitches” and “hoes”. I’m ready to be a woman. I’m interested only in men. But I’ve spent enough time in private thought to understand the basics: In order to get what you want, you have to deserve it. Perhaps my ex was right when he said I didn’t deserve everything I wanted from him. I wasn’t the best I could be. (He also couldn’t afford the shit I outlined, and probably never will. It surely made him better to label me unworthy.) I know now that there are things I could have done differently. I don’t hold any of it against myself –as you shouldn’t hold it against you– for most of those men didn’t deserve half of what I did for them. I take them as learning experiences. I enter relationships wisely now so that I can recognize a good man when he approaches me and cross the street when I see dogs.
Don’t listen to me if you’re content being upset. If you’d rather roll with the dogs and pick up the fleas, that’s your prerogative. But you can’t find a good man until you become a good woman. It’s you who needs to change first. The reason you keep attracting the wrong man is because that’s the man that continues to best suit you. If you want a better man… perhaps it’s time for an upgrade. It’s not always the niggas. Sometimes it’s the bitches, themselves. It’s the “if he’s out doing…” thoughts that lead to revenge that end in flames. The reason you can’t leave the man who doesn’t deserve you isn’t because you value him, it’s because you don’t value yourself enough. I’m just as tired of the excuses as men are. Some women complain about men an half-way through the raving and ranting, you can pinpoint exactly why the last one left her. Luckily, I can read back through my raving and ranting an adjust myself accordingly. I’ve worked on some very serious issues with myself. I’m not perfect yet, but I’m damned-near there. At the very base, at least I’ve taken the time to make myself a better woman. I suggest you allow yourself the time to do the same. Keep ignoring yourself and I assure you men will keep doing the same. “You’re a bad bitch,” Carl told me this weekend when he noticed that, for some strange reason, Philly loved me. It’s really just because I love myself. There’s something about a woman with her head held high that is unmistakable. It’s the idea that I still don’t need a man that has these boys trying to prove their worth my time. I encourage you to pay close attention, not to me but, to yourself.
Most women will tell me I’m naive and too idealistic, but in reality, I’m just thinking in the manner you should. Whenever I state how a woman should act, the argument is not about my being “wrong” rather how impossible it is. It’s not impossible to leave a man. It’s not impossible to be faithful. It’s not impossible to conduct yourself with respect. It’s very possible to hold yourself like a lady. It’s very possible to drink one drink less so you’re not toppling over. It’s very possible to tell men your in a relationship and keep your distance. It’s very possible to tell your current guy things aren’t working before you decide to hoe around. And yes, making friends is hoeing around. Why do you need those friends? A single woman needs no more men in her life than she already has if he’s not her husband (or qualified to be). We date too casually. We treat every relationship like it’s meant to end rather than trying to make it work. Some relationships will end… but you shouldn’t treat them like that from the beginning. That can’t possibly be the right foot to start off on. It’s taken me a long time to get to where I am now. I’ve learned to say no to myself. To have greater control over my mind and my actions. I understand consequences. I have more consideration for the men I involve myself in –and even more consideration for my own happiness. It isn’t easy to get here… but I hope you all will get to the euphoric state I’ve reached. No bullshit… I even know how to make love to myself. All it takes is paying attention. Pay attention to your feelings, your thoughts, your hopes.
Pay attention to the way you present yourself, for that is the way you will be treated in return.
The idea is to conduct myself in a manner that everyone would be proud of. I’m not perfect. Sometimes, I’m a bit too raw. My biggest flaws are that the right side of my hair is somehow shorter than the left even though I never did the bob thing. On a bad angle on a bad day.. I might have a lazy eye (FML lol). I also used to hate my nose. I tell the truth too much according to some, simply because I’m wise beyond my. To top it off, I don’t care about any man more than I care about the happiness, security and success of my own life. I get busy. I treat my job like my husband while the position remains unfilled. I get busy. I don’t call. I don’t find it necessary to hound someone –I don’t have the patience nor the time. Sometimes it seems like I don’t care, but my love is stronger than I can translate to words. When I love, I love hard. I commit. I give my all. I don’t keep looking. I give a fair chance and cut everyone else off so when it all falls apart, I’m usually left with nothing but regret-ridden memories. But I refuse to believe that I shouldn’t give my all in fear that Ill stifle true love when it really comes along. My biggest flaw might be this: I still believe in love. I’m not a bad person to be. I also don’t think I’m the worst person whose footsteps to follow –although I encourage you all to make your own. I’ve simply taken it upon myself to redefine women by being what women were once expected to be. The definition of “woman” is already there. You all already know what men think a woman should be. And no matter what religion you participate in, every book has outlined the way a woman should act. I’m not saying anything new. All I’m saying is do what you’re supposed to do if you want what you’re supposed to get. You can’t keep running around “doing you” and expect men to respect you fully. You just can’t. I’m currently trying to hold onto the happiness I’ve unexpectedly stumbled upon by taking my own advice. I’m only sharing because it’s working so far. You know I’ll let you know how it goes. Worst case scenario, I’m the only woman out here. & I’f I’m not the one, I’m the prototype.
Moral of the story is:
Love yourself. Carry yourself in a manner that silently demands respect.
Treat yourself the way you should be treated and everyone else will, too.