Who knows? Tomorrow might suck. It might be the worst day of my life. But today? Today, is mine. I own every second. Each time the clock’s minute hand moves it hesitates in anticipation of my approval. I cannot be ruled. Not by space nor time. Not while I have air left to breathe. At this moment, I am 34,000 feet in the air and lightyears ahead of myself. I know this world entirely. I’ve managed to accomplish that by understanding I am simultaneously in control of everything and nothing. We have the tendency to be litigated by fear. The unknown taunts us with images of death and failure. Its victims being our hopes and dreams –Our love.
My heart is calling. It beats as if magnetically drawn to the gold cross hovering over it. Strangely enough, I’m not even religious. Sure, I was baptized Catholic and receive my communion on the few occasions I attend service, but in reality…. I’m just looking for love wherever it might be. At this point, I’ve taken out all the pain and suffering bucket by bucket and am searching for something to plug the leak. I can’t let anymore in. I can’t do it anymore. I see land in the horizon.
I want to be a better person. I’m not sure how exactly. And, truthfully, I’m not even sure I know what it means… I just want to feel good all the time. I want to laugh. I want to smile.It’s gotten to the point where I don’t pick up your phone calls because Im sure the conversation won’t leave me happy. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care who slept with who. Who’s baby daddy left or who fought who. I’m uninterested in which bitch ice grilled you where and what nigga disrespected you. If you all haven’t noticed, I’m alive, too. I struggle, too. I cry, too. I feel pain, too. Frankly, I cant handle anyone else’s. I can’t even handle mine. I have fought in and for love. I am a refugee in my own right and would rather not relive the war for the battles have been bloody and I lost parts of myself there –parts I know I’ll never get back. I mourn them still.
I am saddened by the violence inflicted on both the minds and bodies of young women. But as I have fallen victim to love myself, I’m unsure of what I can do for you. I mean, you can’t do anything for me. And I wouldn’t ask you to, either. Many of you misinterpreted my purpose. I share my stories, not for pity, nor for fame. I share my stories because I can. Becaue my strength warrants me a cape & a fucking invisible plane. I am Wonder Woman.
I am here to make my decisions publicly. To show that we are capable of choosing right over wrong… Even if it seems wrong comes around more often. I am no Saint. I have plenty experience with mistakes. I’ve just managed to achieve a level of restraint the free woman lacks. We can do too much. We’re too allowed to make the wrong decisions and then regard them as the best thing that happened to us. Both roads on the fork might meet up at some point (might) but one road is surely more enjoyable than the other.
I am conducting an experiment on myself. I want to know what happens when you follow your heart. I want to know what happens when you listen to yourself rather than what others impose on you. I want to know what happens when you leave him when you said you would. What happens when you love him like you promised to? When you say words exactly as they formulate in your mind? I want to know what happens when you take the “truth and nothing but the truth” oath on your entire life. What if things were exactly as they seem? Exactly as you meant them to be? What if, when you were discouraged, you pushed forward with increased fervor? What if, when you met a man, you showed him exactly who you were? What if you looked for love? What do you do when you find it? & the question that has boggled centuries passed… What the fuck is it? Does love exist? Is it meant for us all? Is it merely a story animated by Walt Disney himself?Will I make it? Will I be happy? Will everything I’ve dreamed of come to realize? How do I make my way passed pain? And when evil presents itself, how do I tear off it’s mask so that it’ll show its face?
I know evil personally. & have for quite some time now. It’s the voice that projects best from your right shoulder making you think there’s nothing left. It comes in the form of excuses. It explains why things are the way they are. It gives you reasoning as to why you haven’t (or still) A,B or C. Evil shows you the downside then rearranges life as to justify itself. Good is everything you should do. Simple as that. If you should, you should. Same applies to if you should not. It’s the advice you give other people. It’s everything that begins with, “if I were you.” it’s the decisions you think everyone else should make but don’t have the balls to do on your own. Good is who you pretend to be.
For that reason, I make my life public. It’s tougher to be a hypocrite that way. In secrecy, we turn to evil. We prepare our “yea, but” speeches in wait for the opposition. Good has no opposition. What is good is good. It need not be justified as it is already just. I don’t need to explain to you why I needed to pick up the trash on the street on my walk home… But staying with a man after he put his hands on me the FIRST time forced me to write post after post trying to convince (not only you all but) myself that he was a decent person. Evil needs reasoning because, in reality, it makes no sense. Like war. Like murder. Like abuse. Like hatred for others. Like… Infidelity. Anything you need a reason for should be reevaluated. Reconsidered. If you can just DO it. Just because… That is what you should do. And if good need any reason at all, it should be because it makes you happy. If it doesn’t make you happy… Don’t do it.
There’s turbulence. Both on this plane and in our lives. The night has swallowed the plane and were flying in darkness… But I’ll do what I’ve grown accustomed to, strap myself and prepare for the worst without worrying about it. Worst case scenario, this bad boy goes down. Still, I remain calm. Because if it doesn’t burst into flames on contact, I’m sure I’ll survive. I’ve read the manuals. I’ve watched the video. I am aware of all exists, the vest below my seat and the raft in the over head compartment. But should those malfunction. Should they run out of space or air, I know how to swim. I’ll survive.
My blog isn’t for you all to write to me and offer your condolences. It isn’t for your pity. My blog is the test. It is the manual. I hope my plane comes crashing down before yours does so that you’ll be prepared as well. So that you’ll know that there is always hope. Even if you are flying in darkness, you should keep in mind that the destination is love. Happiness is waiting & I’m almost home
The gods gave me my Will to use as I see fit –to apply, to abuse, to cherish, to ignore or to love eternally. Stay with me & I’ll show you what I do with mine. I wish you the best of luck with yours.