So this is how the story went. I met someone by accident, who blew me away… it was int he darkest of my days when you took my sorrow & you took my pain and buried them away. I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done and wake up to your face against the morning sun. But like everything I’ve even known you’ll disappear one day. So I’ll spend my whole life hiding my heart away.
–Adele, “Hiding My Heart”
I’m hesitant to give you the answers to the question you asked. Still, I can’t function when I’m stressed – when I’m concerned about something beyond my control. If something grabs a hold of my mind, it controls me until I’ve spewed it all out. Having additional weight on my mind is almost unbearable. Having a weight on my heart is almost painful. I won’t give you the “It’s me & not you,” nor the “It’s you, not me,” because in reality, it’s both of us. I’m trying to figure out, not only what you think, but what I think as well. I’m far too vulnerable, at the moment. I don’t know if I like you because I like you or if I like you because what I just got rid of was my worst mistake to date. The bruises are gone, but I’ve still got some healing to do. I’m not here to play games nor to speed up the clock. I want to enjoy every second of my life without missing out on its joys. No handcuffs and no leash. Life is to beautiful to be held down and restrained.
There are two separate answers here: How I feel within myself & how I feel for you.
I feel like making love. Not to you, but to your mind. To your future and to your past. I want to make love to your world. I want to make the sun shine a little brighter. Make the breeze a little softer. Make the winters a little warmer and the summers a bit cooler. I want your life. I want to be best friends with your mother and have lunch with your sister. And when I bring your family together with mine, I don’t want to be able to tell the difference. I want my sons to be just like you. I want everything. Mostly, I just want to wake up beside you every morning.
All that is meant to happen Will. Whether the conversation takes place or not. Whether I wish it over my rosary or not. I’ll be driving a carload of dirty, sweaty little boys to and from tournaments whether you’re there or not. Then, we’ll come home to sit around the kitchen table and recap all four quarters over dinner whether you’re there or not. I’ll have recorded the games from the stands whether you’re there to help me or not. You see, at this point, you’re an “if” factor. Everything else is not. My dreams -my hopes and my aspirations — will all realize whether you’re part of the equation or not. This is just to say, it’d be nice if you were. In the meantime, I’m back to being grateful for the good morning texts. You’ve shown me, thus far, that chivalry is alive & kickin’. I don’t know what you’ll accomplish. I don’t know who you’ll be. All I know is that you put a smile on my face everyday and you can’t possibly expect me to turn that down.
I don’t know whether to bear my soul or hide it away. Seems to me that, the moment I invest myself… it all goes awry. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Men Love Women Who Don’t Love Them. You’d rather chase. You’d rather be left. For that reason… I’m holding off on my heart. Not because you don’t deserve it, but because soon, you’ll tire of having it all. Soon you’ll wonder what else is out there. Today, I may make you happy, but I’m concerned about tomorrow. If I told you I’m the best thing since… Ramen… would you take me seriously? I could explain to you that no one can match you ambition and drive like I can but it wouldn’t matter because you won’t be able to see that until you see me waiting at the finish line. We can joke about how your mother would love me but, that’s for her to decide. I could say I’m the one for you… but that’s for you to decide.
I don’t like to worry. And so, I refuse to allow myself to. I do all I can to justify my confidence and I hope you’ll do the same. I’d like to walk into a room in any city in any state in any country on any continent and know that you’d still choose me. Always me. That, to me, is what it means to love someone. That is what I’m looking for. I want to happy simply sharing existence with you even if you’re half-way across the globe. Until then, I take full advantage of the moment. I’ll enjoy you while you last. I’ll take the “good morning” texts while they come, not because I want you in the meantime… but because I deserve it –and hopefully the “meantime” means something.
The scary thing is, I can feel this way very easily. You haven’t given me any reason to hold back, but I do it for the health of my heart. It’s not that I have a wall up, it’s that the wall came crashing down long ago and I’m still trying to pick up the pieces. I’m in the process of cleaning up the mess left behind. If you gave me the word, if you wanted it to be, I would give you my all. Until then, I keep all of me to myself. You need not worry about anyone else. I know my value. & it continues to rise. I’m not in a rush to love you. Or to have you love me. I’m just glad you exist, forreal. Thank you for breathing.
I don’t know you well enough to write on this in depth yet. Usually, when I make my mind up about a person, that all changes, eventually. I’m waiting to find out if there is a realer you. Everything you need to know about me has either already been written down or will be soon enough. You, though, are still a mystery. While I’m looking forward to finding out more, I hope you are exactly who I think you are –exactly who you say you are. What I like most, thus far, is your mind. I love that fact it works. To be frank, most people’s don’t. Not only do you have sense but intelligence. You have no idea how rare that is. I’m in love your ambition. Your determination. Your strength. Your character in itself is beautiful.
I won’t ask you how you feel about me. The first reason is that I’m actually to shy to ask the question. Most get by this by asking, “What’s your type?” But I’d rather not. I’m afraid I’ll fall short. This is when all my insecurities race to the front of my mind, but I refuse to let you know what those are. You should think Im perfect. I should be your type. & Just me. Secondly, I just hope you’ll show it instead. I figure that, in the end, I’ll find out the truth anyways. I’ve decided that as long as you respond to my texts and pick up my calls, we’re good money, right? (lol) I’m just unsure of how sure you are. I can see your potential and understand your current worth. Regardless of if it’s me or not, you deserve a good woman. One day, you’ll find someone who can give you everything you need. Maybe, one day, it’ll be me. If it isn’t, I pray she’s 20x better. And even though I seriously doubt that exists, you deserve that much. Everyone knows that. I’m simply preparing myself for the day you want to test that out and throw me away. Eventually, you’ll realize it’s your biggest mistake, but at least my heart will be prepared for the pain.
For now… there are also more personal things. Specifics about you that make “us” a bit difficult that’d I’d rather not discuss because I prefer not to give them importance. Because I want it. & if you want it, too… then nothing stands in the way, right? What’s the point of having conversation about something that doesn’t even matter? I know I’ll get what I want. One day. Some day. I mean, I already have you… The rest of it is your call, daddy. I’ll let you call the shots. But, please believe, if you pass me the ball, I’m scoring big.
So… In sum, I feeeeeeeeeeeel good.
I have no reason not to.