I can’t pray aloud.

I talk to myself all the time as I write, but I can’t talk to myself so that other people can hear. Letters are silent yet they tell all… The written word is so much more reliable than anything said. If you mean it, write it to me. That way, I can confuse nothin. Put all the punctuation where you feel it works best. Use the word you deem most appropriate. Take your time. Think about it. Reread. Revise. Then, let me know.

With that said… I need to have a conversation that is well over due. Excuse me while I ignore you all.

Dear Enver,

I know you saw what just happened. There’s not a bigger mess than me. You’d know that best. There’s no one here to stop me from dabbing on lipstick before I leave the house. These boys are in trouble.

He got me a ring. Nothing special, but I know it came from the heart. So I let him see the best of me. But no matter how hard I tried, my heart wasn’t in it for as long as his was. I know I’m not a bad person. But I think there’s something wrong with my heart. It’s trying to pinpoint love but malfunctions in the process. I don’t know what they did to me. I don’t even know if it was really them. It took me 19 years to love my own mother. What do they expect?

I loved you and only you. You were the Only man I could take orders from. The only person I’ve ever feared. I didn’t have enough time to understand that bond and work through it before you were ripped from me. 5 years later, the scabs are just beginning to form. I realize, now, that I still need more time.

Everything happens for a reason, they say. I never believe Them, but they sure do say a lot of shit. It sometimes begs me to wonder shot I’d rather not. Is that why you’re gone? Did I need that? Did I need to be left alone? Maybe I needed that. Maybe I loved you too much. Maybe the gods knew that. Maybe I needed to know what it felt like to lose everything that meant everything in order to understand that nothing means anything. Maybe I needed to lose the only man in my life to realize that there is more to this life than man. Maybe I had to see how much I loved you so I know what love feels like: it will build and destroy you. Maybe your death is the best AND worst thing to happen to me AND these niggas out here. Now I know what it means to love… So now these niggas can’t fool me. But now I’m out here in the cold. But there’s no one waiting with a smoking gun for them so they try me. They try me until I have to prove to them I can hold a pistol if my own. My brother taught me. They ‘ll never comprehend how much you fit in those 9.5’s. I was already a handful. Now my emotions have been rattled. I’m out of control.

This has been one hell of a summer. I had a boyfriend for 3 days and a fiancé for 5. I’m getting there. When I was 11 you took me out to Olive Garden and told me i could order whatever I wanted as long as I ate it all. I had always been a humble kid. I’ve always understood the value of money. So, I ordered the “Tour of Italy” and threw down. Fettucinni Alfredo, chicken Parma & lasagna. Best meal I ever had. Just because my big brother took me. When we got home, you told Ma about how I hadn’t been a waste of your money or your time. Not to mention we had actually had a good time. You told her how I’m going to be a problem for these men.

The next time we went out, you told me the same thing. I must have been 14. I looked up from my menu and said, “Lobster. But I’m not sharing.” You smiled. And when the waitress came, you told her to make sure it was the biggest one they had. You were the only man in my life. Today you’re the man of my yesterday’s. My memories. My dreams. The man who shaped my existence.

I’ll never forget everything you taught me. Never.

————-

I’d like to send out a formal apology to the men out there. I’ve been fucked up. I learned to care for myself too young. I was treated too well. I was put on a silver platter as soon as I came out of my mother. You see, I’m used to this. I’m uncomfortable any other way. I get what I want. All because I deserve it. Because I’m worth it. And anyone who doesn’t see that isn’t for me.

Imagine you had a little sister. You know exactly how you wish she would be? Well, that’s exactly how I am. Sorry I can’t be anything other than that: I’m Enver’s little sister. Always will be.

-Sent from my iPad