September 24th, 2011

I got myself back today. I had been far too immersed in a phony fairytale and it was throwing everything off.

It’s not that it’s wrong to give yourself to a person, it just needs to be the right time. I wasn’t sure if deciding where to move based on him was a “life descison” but it bothered me that he had an effect on where I could go.

“I’m moving to the Bronx,” I said
“Psshh.. Then bye-bye, Baby girl,” he responded. “like… Deep in the Bronx or like right here in the Bronx?” he asked. Truthfully, it was only one stop away.

“It shouldn’t matter,” I responded coldly.

“You right,” he said quietly looking at his hands.

Maybe I’ll never fall in love for real. Maybe I’m simply incapable of Being loved. But I doubt that’s it. They love me. I know they do. More accurate, though, would be to say I can’t love them right. I love them wrong. Very wrong. I give them everything and then leave them standing on the outside of my door. I tell them to make sure they take everything they came with. They ask for jewelry back and I sent them digital laughs. Figurative slaps in the face.

I always keep something. A reminder. A token of their love. why take that from me?I know, it’s like a piece of your heart, but I earned it didn’t I? It’s not that I don’t love you, it’s that I can’t. It’s that… There are so many more men out there who have so much more to bring to the table. At one point I thought that false of you but time always tells the truth. There is no intent of disrespect when I say you’re not the best for me. You’re the best for someone… But I’m not just anyone.

My roommate says I should hold off. That my stock price is going up and that if,at 23, men are giving me rings…. one day I’m going to find a real brotha to put up racks. On racks on racks, though.

I’m not sure he knows how right he is. I got my first ring at 15.

I told you all before. I’ve already mastered this game. I’ve been here far too long. And I… “break bread with the late heads picking they brains for angles and all the evils that the game’ll do. It’s gets dangerous. Money & power is changing us. & now we’re lethal–infected with d’evils.”

Dear world, I wonder can you blame me? I already know nobody can save me.

I can’t fail.

-sent from my iPad