July 28th, 2011

Perhaps I made the wrong decision. Perhaps of trusted too much… But perhaps it was exactly what I needed. And it still is.

I’m not quite sure what this feeling is. I’m neither soothed nor scare, it’s an unnamed sense in between. I’m not worried. I’m not concerned. If ever I think about who you’re with and what you’re doing, the thought vanishes swiftly and I resume fawning over you.

I shouldn’t. That’s always the thought. There’s always something I shouldn’t do. I shouldn’t say. Mostly though, I feel like I shouldn’t act on my feelings. I shouldn’t be myself. I shouldn’t express myself. I shouldn’t tell the truth. I shouldn’t be human. I’m. Told the road ahead is treacherous, but none can be a greater obstacle than what I’ve already endured.

You could learn quite a few things from me. How to love, for example. Or… How not to rather. I’ve made some of the biggest mistakes. I’ve held quite few h darts hostage. There were casualties. I am the only surviver.

It’s a fuckin battlefield out there. You never know what to say. And the people you seem to turn to first are usually the ones you should least confide in. It’s rare to find a friend who tells you to find love. I’m not sure what is it, but (at least with my friends) there’s a big, bad fuck niggas attitude that precedes us. “niggas ain’t shit” might as well be the group motto. But, really, where does that leave us?

Treating every man like the enemy will only turn him into one. Our persuasion can rule the world, but our vengeance can destroy it. Women are evil, myself included. We steal hearts and keep them locked in treasure chests under our beds. The only thing missing is a shiny ring. So we chase it. We dream it. We plot our way to that which we consider our purest goal: To be loved.

Men love you. If not all of them, one. Take that for what it is because the truth lies in whether or not you love him back… And whether or not that even matters to you. Me? I’m a golddiigger with a heart. I’m only half Ice Queen.

-Sent from my iPad