I do feel bad talking about people, but sometimes they deserve it. I mean… sometimes I take on this role as militia-woman for the truth. And, the truth is, I would say everything to everyone in person but, in reality, I’m a courteous person (even to my enemies) and to address every issue I have with every person is to take on a full-time job without pay. Not to mention, sometimes it simply isn’t worth it. I have opinions about everything and everyone. And by opinion, I mean exactly what it means. They are my point of view and not necessarily shared by those around me -if by anyone. Some girls parade themselves as if on a high horse, when in reality, their just little girls on the merry-go-round. You can call me one of those girls if you’d like, but that’d be your opinion; a POV not necessarily shared by those around us –if anyone.
I’m trying to be nice. And it’s really hard because I have such a solidified personality. At 23, I don’t know everything, nut I’m unsure of how much more I will change. I feel as though my view are my views. My age isn’t so much of a factor as one might think it is since I’ve actually take the time to think about how I feel. I’ve made educated conclusions and paired them with my… feelings. I want to force myself to like people, but I simply can’t. I can deal. I am both diplomatic and courteous. I mean… we can all just get along, but do we really have to? I don’t really even want to. I don’t think I have enough space for that many people. Neither males nor females.
I don’t want everyone. Not as friends. & not as mates. I don’t want anyone around me who doesn’t… fill up my heart. I like people whose mere presence excites me. There’s a difference between being happy and appearing happy. You can put on a show and play house with someone who might be the one… or you can find the one. “Uno sabe cuando viene su hombre,” my mom said. You know when your man comes. Your man, that is. & “When you know you know,” Tyson said as we made breakfast with Mary. He gave me the best theory I have heard to date: If you really like someone to the point where you want to marry them, you’ll never get bored of them. You can’t. It isn’t possible because you’ve made the agreement that you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. So how can they bored you? If they do, that person isn’t the one. At least, not by my definition.
Sometimes, we fall in love and think marriage is the next step. It might not be. It’s possible to fall in love time after time. And in those relationships, you learn. There are lessons and experiences that will (hopefully) help you on your next journey. It’s okay to fall in love. Love helps time pass. But when you find that one person… none else can compare. You should want to spend every waking moment with that person. Sometimes though, you can feel that way about a person although they don’t feel that way about you. That’s where it gets tricky. My opinion is that both parties should feel the same towards one another. The only opinion I feel stronger about is that you should feel the same way towards yourselves. You can only be loved as much as you love yourself. Not to say that you shouldn’t be loved more, or that you can’t be loved more, it’s just that if you value yourself little, it’s easy to love you less. & it’s easier for you to settle for less than you deserve.
Other times, we’re good friends to people who don’t deserve us. Everyone fucks up once. If your friend can’t forgive you once, that’s not your friend. Similarly, if they fuck up, and you can’t forgive them, you have the right to end that friendship. Without forgiveness, everything else falls to shit. Forgiveness holds relationships together. Try it. Forgive someone for anything right now. Just forgive. Let it go. Because to forgive is to forget. To forgive is to seal the records shut. Not to pretend it never happened, rather to find a way through the obstacle and keep moving. But you can’t move forward if you’re still thinking about that ;last hurdle. That’s how you get caught up in the next one. You weren’t paying attention and you miss your next jump. Next time there’s a fuck up, it’s your problem.
Really though, most people suck. Even if they didn’t before. As you grown, you get to see people for who they really are. That’s when the cool girls are no longer cool & the hot guys are jobless. It’s when the pretty girl out the group gets fat and the used-to-be-chubby one’s phone won’t stop ringing. It’s when the men you loved lose their allure. The people you looked up to become human. It’s when you see your place in the world and realize how much of an effect you have on it’s rotation. It’s when you get selfish and decide that you should be loved for exactly who you are. And that those pretty pantie you bought down need to be shown to anyone except yourself. When you prepare a three course meal for yourself as you drink a glass of wine and set the table for one with your best dinnerware. It’s where lonely and alone part in their definitions. It’s when you learn to love you and the people who love you.
My circle has gotten ridiculously smaller. I don’t know how it’s possible but… I constantly re-think the wedding party and it saddens me. I wish I could be friends with everyone forever, but it sometimes feels like everyone else wants the upper hand. Some people don’t want me to do better than them and I know it. It’s alright. Wish me death if you want, but i’ll still make the most of my time here. Other people just want to hold me hostage. Men want to control and own me but they won’t control and own my rent, now will they? I’m just so tired of people. I’m tired of fake friends. Of thirsty, dirty men. Of women with no self-respect. Of men with no savings accounts. Of friends on payday wanting to celebrate their birthdays. Of men with ulterior motives hoping to trade dinner for dessert. Of friends who I’m friends with but they were never really friends with me. I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired.
I really just don’t like most people. I’m umm… baby-sitting three cats this week and I honestly like them more than I like most people. Because they have more personality than most people. They don’t talk. They’re not hypocrites. They have no sense of entitlement. They don’t care how much I do or don’t make. They don’t care what I’m wearing but sat through my mini after-shopping fashion show with no sign of envy. The only thing is… they do try to get in bed with me. & Last night as I lay in a strange bed by my lonesome, it was reaffirmed: I like to be alone. This is nothing new, I have always liked my own company. I forgot it once when I was in love. I lost myself. I forgot what it was like to function as an individual. I thought that if you love someone, you’re ever move should be made with that person in mind. And I was right. But your moves shouldn’t be guided nor inhibited by that person. You should always think of that person… right after you think of yourself.
I’m really just spewing my feelings right now. Give me some time & it’ll all pull together.