I woke up on July 4th and packed my bowl –the perfect start to any morning. Then, I cleaned a little. Sang a little. Danced a little. I played in my closet till I found what I wanted to wear and the outfit was perfect for something: Rollerblading. So that’s what the fuck I did. I felt a little dumb rollerblading myself, but I did it anyway. And it was… freeing.
I’ve been doing a lot by myself lately. The nightlife included. Part of me is embarrassed to say so, but part of my pities that people don’t like themselves enough to be their own company. I’ve been such a loser and I’m actually really proud to say so. I’ve never had so much fun by myself. I laugh at myself, joke with myself and now I’m starting to sound a little bit insane but I’m really getting to know myself for the first time; My favorite color is actually purple. I like to say it’s green because green is a bad ass color… but I like purple, man. Everything I get is purple –unless it’s green. Green was my brother’s favorite color and is my sister’s favorite color. I wanted to be just like them. I wanted to be in. To be part of such a selective group as my older siblings. I wanted to be cool, not just for the cool in itself, but because they weren’t wrong. Green’s a good fuckin color.
It might sound like I’m rambling (and I am) but I promise I have a point. In one of the skits of Lauryn’s Miseducation, one of the girls says that “what looks good might not be right for you.” So I rollerbladed through love-infested Central Park snapping candid photos of tourists trying my best to refrain from sipping on my hater-ade –and I did very well, might I say. During times when people are out with… whoever they want to spend time with, it gets a bit tough for those of us who are alone. But that’s only if you look at it in the wrong light. I look forward to when I can be one of those people –in whatever stage it might be. My same action –this klutz atop wheels — could have been done with anyone. Maybe one day I’ll rollerblade with friends. I know @PFungFitness would be my fav partner. I also thought about how fun it would be to get @CJ4TheKids on some skates. (Or a bike or something 😉 There was a lot of there he missed out on and I ‘d like him to see the sights. Maybe one day, I’ll rent a bike and teach my mom to ride. She’d love that (and I think that’s the best plan). And one day…maybe I’ll take a walk with a boy I like and stop for a glass of wine at the Boathouse It looked fab 🙂 & maybe, one day, if I’m really fortunate, I’ll find a man to create a family with so we can yell out to our basketball line-up of boys to stay out the water fountain. Just maybe.
There are so many things to do and so many people to do them with. But when we depend on other people to be there, we miss out. If I hadn’t grown some balls in the past couple of months, I might have been depressed in this fantastic city and that would have been a shame. Just because there’s no one there to do something with you doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. You can’t always a have a partner. There are things in life you’ll have to face alone –no help, no guidance, no knee pads — and you have to try to make it out. If you’re as perfect as I am, you’ll leave the park without a scratch 😉 I’m not going to lie. I was lonely–every once in a while. But when your speeding down a hill on nothing but tiny wheels, you stop thinking about being lonely. I think that’s where my growth came in. I’ve got to occupy my mind. I go places and find people to have conversations with, if nothing else. I’m not out looking for anything but friends. To wrap up my night, I took myself to dinner at Nanking for some Thai food where the service is beyond compare and the Mango Mojito is to die for. I sat at the bar (because no one wants to give one person a table 😦 but I spent $$ anyways lol) and had great conversation with the bartender and another loner. lol. The bartender gave us complimentary strawberry shakes (fucking delicious) and made sure I had extra soy sauce in my bag at the end of the night. I thinking about becoming a regular there. I’m not mad at it.
Eventually, I made my way home and packed my bowl again. It was a regular day, but I chose to send it with myself. I’ve never made a better decision. It allows my mind to work as it needs to. I try to understand myself. I try to improve myself. I brainstorm. I consider. I think about my future: where it seems to be headed vs where I want it to go and the moves I need to make to get it there. I consider the moves I have made and what they mean. I am my own consultant. I pay close attention to myself and direct my observation towards notice what exactly makes me happy. I stop and think, “I’m having fun.” It’s something I should do again. And that’s how I feel like the world should be in relation to one another as well. We should not only do things that make others happy, but which make ourselves happy as well.
If you’re not happy, something isn’t right. Whether it be in a relationship (friends, family or physical) or with your own self. Or with where you are –literally. You should be happy. Your relationships with those people might not be perfect fromthe outside looking in, but if that’s what suits you, then that’s for you. It’s not what others say should make you happy… it’s what actually does the fuckin job. I only do things that make me happy. That is the way of my life. Whether wrong or right. Whether timely or late. Convenience of nuisance. I live life for me and only me –and my mommy but the list doesn’t move to far from there.
I’m on my Lauryn Hill; I’ve just retired from the fantasy. I really have. I’m done with the bullshit. & It’s not because some man left me. It’s not because I’m angry. But because I just met me for the first time & I just realized I’m a cool fuckin character –if you get the time to know me. Perhaps there is a seed of vanity underneath this. Some might confuse it with conceit. But I just value life. I value it all. Mine included. Mine especially.
You should learn to value yours.