[You] gotta give me free time even if it hurts.  Jay-Z “Lost One”

       He’s a beautiful person. He’s not the world’s most perfect person, but I was willing to work with that. I was willing to try with him. And it was fabulous, it really was. He gave me so much of himself. So much of his truth. For the first time in my life, I trusted the man I was with. I knew that if I asked him a question, he’d answer me with honesty. I thank him for what he did for me. He’s the one who made me believe I’m beautiful. & he might just have ruined it for the rest of you guys. More importantly though, he kept me level headed. Rather, forced to me be. So I’m well aware of my imperfections. I am more than conscious of which parts of myself call for improvement. I’m not perfect. And he’s not perfect. And I was okay with that… until I remembered who might be. & he’s not perfect either, but I’m a delusional young girl looking for love. You can’t really blame me. 

        There is no real reason D & I shouldn’t be together. There is the argument we had. And then there is the reason I manufactured. And while both are true, they’re not earth-shattering or typically relationship-ending. I still care for him and I know that he cares for me. He didn’t hurt me. He didn’t betray me. But he did remind me of where I want to be. And that was his greatest mistake. I’ve been a pain in the ass to him and for the first time, I’m going to admit the real reason: I’m stuck on a boy I should probably forget.

         There’s a chance I’m making the biggest mistake in my life. There’s a chance that D is my soul mate and we were meant to be, but even if that’s true, right now is not the time for it. Just like right now isn’t the time for You. I do this thing in my head where I measure the men I date up against a standard. Unconsciously, I rank them on every level: Attractiveness, potential worth, current worth, manners, level of romance, how good the sex is/might be and even down to how he’d look in a tuxedo –more specifically, how he’d look in my wedding pictures. (I’m semi-insane A.K.A, I’m a female.) This is something we do, I think. I don’t judge myself for it, I simply accept that this is how my mind functions. This is the pattern of my thoughts. When I date guys, I try my hardest to have them live up to this standard and have decided the the one closest to it is the one I should pursue –the one who is closest to perfect as possible. 

      Some might think me naive because I aim for perfection. Its not that I think everything I do is perfect,  (although most times it is), but because if I fall short, I’ll still be pretty fuckin close. Why not aim for perfect? Why not chase the man who most fully satisfies you? Why settle? So that you’re not alone? Frankly, that’s not fair. Not fair to you and not fair to the person he’d actually be perfect for. I want the man who is perfect for me. The one I need nothing from. The one whose essence I’m in love with –even if I don’t really know him. I simply can’t allow myself to be with one man when I continue to think of another. 

    I don’t want to be unhappy. I want to be excited to go home everyday to that person. That’s what I want to feel. A friend of mine told me about her boyfriend once and said, “I’m not in love with him.” At that time, I felt like, Well you better learn how, because they have a child together. But now I’m not really sure. I’m not sure I could do it. I can talk that talk, but I’ve never taken that walk. Still, I have no attachment to anyone, so it’s easier (and probably my best option) to let what D and I had die out. I don’t think I should play it out any longer. I believe that if we keep on, we might ruin everything and end up hating him. I’ll continue to find reasons to be upset with him, when in reality, I’m simply upset because I’d rather be somewhere else –or I’d rather him be someone else.

     This is a huge gamble. I’m giving up the only guy I actually like based on the existence of someone else who is never present. But when I started dating D, I still had You in mind. I wanted attention and I wanted company, but in the back of my mind, I wanted it from You. Still, I kept on with D because he wasn’t a bad guy. And he deserved my time. And he treated me the way a lady should be treated –until he pissed in my cups, that is. But, the truth is, when a woman wants to be somewhere else, she will find any reason in the world to leave you. (Or to have you leave her.) You might not know that she’s thinking about someone else, but if there’s a constant attitude, if you feel like you are annoying her… it’s because her heart is somewhere else. When a girl likes a guy, you treat him like a King. You wait on him hand and foot. You’ll do anything. But if you don’t feel that way, you can’t force yourself to. That’s when you start having an attitude for no reason. That reason is that you’re not happy. That moment is when you should end it. It’s not right. It doesn’t get any better. You try. But you won’t be able to shake it. Not until you find out that where you wanted to be doesn’t work out. I won’t be able to g aive D (or anyone else) fair run until You is completely out of the picture.

      Maybe one day, when You & I have our chance and I find out all of his real flaws, I’ll go running back to D. Hopefully he’ll accept me, although probably he won’t. And I’ll have to start my search for love all over again. Part of me feels like a terrible person. I shouldn’t have treated him like that (probably shouldn’t have blogged about it at least), but he knew it was coming. And if he’s a sensible man, he’ll understand I have to find out. I have to know. Or else I’ll never be fully his. I found out when You might be in the city again, and I realized I couldn’t be honest about it. If D and I were still in a relationship, I’d still go see You. At least lunch. But who knows where that lunch will go. And granted, I’m in full control of my body, but you shouldn’t do anything to your partner you couldn’t handle yourself. If D had told me he was having lunch with a girl he’s secretly in love with, I’m not sure I’d be okay that. And if he lied about it, that’d be even worse. So in hopes to spare us of all that drama, I can’t be with him anymore. And I found my excuse to leave.

       I apologize for anything hurtful I may have posted about him previous to this blog, but I had to get the frustration out. I had to blame it on him somehow. I had to make him look like a dog so that could look like a saint. The biggest reason though, is that I had to tell you all what happened so that I can’t go back to him. Because I shouldn’t go back to him. It’s not the right move for him and not the right one for me. I can’t be trusted. I’m still not convinced that he’s the one. I was still giving out my number. I was still going on dates. And while I never really “cheated,” there’s a chance that I would. And that’s not right. If you know there’s a chance you won’t be faithful to someone, you should end it before it happens. D’s ex had been contacting him for a couple weeks while we were together. Calling him and telling him about all her hoe activities while he had been with her. It was tearing him apart. I could see it. I wouldn’t do that to him. He doesn’t deserve that. He’s a good man who needs a good woman (a stupid hood-rat who’ll spend on him and gravel at his feet, I told him). He doesn’t need to be ridiculed, embarrassed or purposely put down.  I had to tell you all about his pissing in my cups because of the entertainment value, but she crossed the line on so many levels. There’s certain things you just don’t say about a man… Mainly, having to do with his manhood. If you still don’t understand, here’s my Rule #2, A Lady should never talk about a man’s penis.

But I’m going to talk about D’s this one time. Just cuz she did.

Next Post: Big D.