I’ve kept half my life from “Thursdays“. Quite literally actually. He and I are connected on all levels in the real world but, thus far, I managed to keep my digital world separate from his. He freinded me on Facebook a while ago. I had initially looked for him but didn’t want to play the stalker part, so I decided to wait for him to friend me. But.. that didn’t quite happen either. He actually friended himself off my page. I admit, at first, I found it sneaky. A bit stalker like on his end, but hey… who wouldn’t. & to be honest, I like a man who gets the information he needs without my having to approve it. Sounds wrong but I kinda want a man who watches what I’m doing. I mean… if he cares right?
So, here we were: Facebook friends. & immediately I embarked on a search for bullshit. I went through his photos. I started clicking on the faces of girls who seemed to show up too often for my taste. Now I’m on the page of this girl I don’t know, angry that she knows him… and then I stopped. I was already stressed. I could already feel my bloo boiling. It was already happening. Jealousy was taking over and we couldn’t have been Facebook friends for more than 10 minutes.
There was only one solution: Remove from friends. I’m not sure you should be Internet pals with the person you’re involved with unless you’re really ready for it. Perhaps this puts too much weight on the digital world, but it’s really like the club out there. You can meet someone if you want to and the heavy advertsing of those Match.com commercials are starting to convince me. And to be honest, I have –many times– friended or followed someone simply because I think they’re attractive. #SueMe. So what makes me think he doesn’t do the same thing? And in reality, am I okay with that? How do I feel about that? Because the day some girl posts an “I miss you,” on his wall, I’m going to want to know who the hell she is. But I won’t ask. Instead, I’m going to dissect her page. I’m going to try to figure it out on my own. And instead of saying something to Thursdays, I’m going to hold it in and wait to see what happens. Will he respond? How will he respond. Will he ignore her? And if he ignores her, will the slut write on his wall again? Who is she? How do they know each other? Do they know each other? Has he fucked her? (Probably, because I’ve already decided that she’s a slut.) & If not, does he want to? If left alone in a room, would they? Will they? Have they?
This is what happens. And I’m stressed just thinking about it. I’m trying my hardest to be secure and simply trust him, so I don’t want anything that’ll allow me to think differently. I don’t want to provide myself with reasons to think that I shouldn’t trust him. That I shouldn’t be secure. Sometimes, we look for things. Whether consciously or unconsciously, we do it to ourselves. In trying to “protect” ourselves, we get caught up in any and everything we find and decide that we are being wronged… or try to address the situation before we are wronged. We try to keep track of the other person and social media has simply provided a method to check in on your beau without their knowing and I’m not sure if this is a good thing. I’m not sure people stray more today than they used to, I simply believe that it’s easier to get caught now. Just as there are more way to meet people, there are more ways for your ass to get caught slippin. The only way you to be connected in the digital world & not have it fuck up… everything, is to have nothing to hide. & I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.
Now, he follows me on Twitter. So… There’s a couple things I’m worried about. I think he senses that I’m hiding something and, in fact, I am. Two things. First: My onine personality. I’m just allowed to be someone else online. I’m more confident. I’m free. I’m open. And most of that is simply because I don’t care. And it’s not anonymity either. Because people know me. I am who I am. But when it comes to guys, let’s be honest, a girl behaves a bit differently. I relax. I’m less boastful when I’m with him. Not because I can’t be, but becasue I don’t have to be. I don’t have to tweet to the world how great I am. He tells me that. & I flirt and the whole nine and just don’t want to upset him, but I want my social networking to be as fun as it always has been. I even got myself a Twitter hubby recently (Check out & follow @GMRketchup. He’s the #PerfectGentleman). Now I know this is weird, but this awkward Twitter relationship allows me to be lovey-dovey with someone without getting all jealous –which I’m bound to do. & Now that Thursdays is following me on Twitter, I’ve got to see how this all plays out. He read my tweets out loud to me the other day and… I’m not sure how he felt about it. I know I was embarrassed. Here’s the thing though: I shouldn’t have to change. I was Tweeting waaaay before I met Thursdays! & If I want him to actually like me for me, perhaps I should let him see all facets of me. All sides of me. The public and the private. If you hide one part of yourself from a person, how can they really know you? People need to see all of you to make an accurate assessment, don’t they?
It’s not that I’ve hidden things from Thursdays, there’s just a lot I have yet to tell him. Like, for example, that I blog. This is my major concern. Not only do I blog… but a lot. & people are reading. I just don’t know how he’ll take it. It’s sort of like dealing with a celebrity (& you all know how I want to be famous). He’ll have to be okay with people sort of knowing our business. But in reality, no matter what you think as you read this, you all know full-well that you barely know anything. Most importantly, though, I don’t want it to affect me. More importantly, I don’t want it to affect my writing. I’ve been so pure thus far that I don’t want anything to ruin it. That’s why part of me is afraid of a relationship. Because, truthfully, this blog matters more to me than he does. This blog has helped me find myself and be myself more than any man could. This blog liberates me from the confines of our cruel, confining and judgmental world. You couldn’t ask me to stop writing this blog unless you pay me.
So if he doesn’t like me on here, he doesn’t like me. Because this is where my real self comes through. If someone doesn’t like you in the venue in which you are yourself the most, I’m not sure that’s the right person for you. I’m different in different places. In class, I’m a nerd. At home, I’m my mommy’s little girl. In the streets I’m a lady. In the sheets? Well you know. But in person, I’m just regular me. I’m not talking for 6 paragraphs straight. I’m listening, I’m learning… I’m honestly gathering shit to blog about. We’ll see what he says and thinks once he comes across this blog. Because he’s bound to. He has yet to ask me why I call myself EllaThought on Twitter and he knows I have a “secret” Facebook page. The best part will come when he reads about himself and what I think/thought about him. The thing is, if any man I’m dating reads this blog, and doesn’t see that it’s basically a vault to my every thought, they’re thinking about it the wrong way. Men like to complain that they never know what a woman is thinking. Well, here they are. Ella’s thoughts #FoYoReadingPleasure. We’ll see.