& That’s where we defer. So I gotta give [he] free time, even if it hurts. – Jay-Z Lost One

    Yesterday, I was a pot head. Now, I’m not encouraging anyone to take part in my vices, but I enjoy my vice thoroughly. I spent this passed weekend neck deep in political thought and conversation. And needed something to umm… relieve the strain of the world. Having met a man with opinions is a double-edgde sword of sorts (–wait. If I were in class, someone would circle that with red ink and scribble a messy “Cliche” in my margin so… how about…) or an untested antidote; a little bad for a lotta good.  You see, we all want someone we can talk to about our interests. Our concerns. Our goals. That’s when you find someone who listens. But can you find someone to listen to? Do you event want to? Do your opinions match or clash? My ex and I once had a really bad conversation about (my) race and ethnicity that brought me to tears.  He said he’d rather not have political debates with me, but what he failed to see is that he had offended me to my core. He didn’t see the big deal with it. He didn’t see the big deal with a lot of things, though. Me, for example. 

   I just read a piece from The Verbal Vixen called “Change” on her Kiss My Concious blog (#PromoFoYoAss lol) wherein she details a friendship gone awry. Seems like it took her longer than she’d have liked to realize that she was a better friend to this dude than he was to her. And that’s where the game fucks up, Ladies and Gents. Sometimes, we care so much for a person, that we fail to see how much they don’t care for us. And it’s tough to figure that out. A girl like me? All I ever needed was attention. I wanted someone to want me. To allow me to want them. It’s the age old syndrome of taking on charity cases –The Mother Theresa Syndrome a reader eloquently called it in Can You Be Honest With Me?. So while The Verbal Vixen went on about things that she did change, I couldn’t get passed wondering the things that should always be the same.

          Commonality is important. They say opposites attract, but not complete opposites. You know when you simply can’t be with someone. I met a guy in the elevator on Sunday. He wasn’t attractive but I gave him my number anyway (he gave me the “You’re gorgeous” game which I love and I always keep a man on pause for a just-in-case dinner). He told me he’s a mechanic, but he’s not working right now –which, in my book, makes him not a mechanic, rather an unemployed man. I partially felt bad, but hey… what do I have to talk about with a mechanic? I don’t even have a car. & It’s really more than that. I couldn’t be with a mechanic. Not because it’s not a good job, we simply look at life differently –and if you let go of naivety, you’ll see that easily. From his situation, I know he didn’t go to college. Not everyone has to, but my man does. Because it shows me his value on education. It’s something we have in common. It’s not something that makes him “better” but it’s an insight into values that we both share. It’s a set of experiences that we’ll both have shared. There are things that change you as a person, that have affected you immensely, that it’s important for your partner to understand. How can a man who decided not to go to college understand the last 8 years of my life wherein I struggled to excel academically while he…. well, idk what he did. 

      I sat home alone last night with a lit L in one hand, bottle of Barefoot Sweet Red in the other (Go ahead. Judge me. I like that.) partially upset that I had no company. And it wasn’t that I had no options, it was just a night off from the one I wanted, frustrated that all the wrong people were calling. This is what I’ve struggled with most in my personal relationships. I’m… umm… clingy. (There I said it.) I’ve never been one to have an attachment to females, but I’ve always given myself to the guy I’m dating. Completely. And there’s where I go wrong. Somehow, my mind decides that our lives are supposed to automatically become one. I marry him in this idea and immediately give more of myself than I need to. And if you find the right guy, it becomes all too easy. If you find that guy whose company you love, whose ideas you share, opinions you agree with…it’s easy to become one with him. Because you share so much in common, you have shit to talk about–so many trending topics. 

      Our trending topic this past weekend was interracial dating (post coming soon). We couldn’t get off it. Everything we saw sparked the conversation. About what he likes, about what I like. About reasons why people date outside of their race and why others don’t. We got to the gritty about his perceptions, his past, my past and even down to the truth about how his commentary made me feel. And I could only say that because I felt like he’d listen. And he did. He digested it and ended up giving me a heartfelt response afterwards…it was beautiful. We were on the same page. Part one of conversation is sharing opinions. That’s what people do. Part 2 is understanding, that’s what respectful, insightful people do. Part 3 determines where it goes from there: Agree, disagree, nothing? That determines who that person is to you and how far they will make it in your life. You can disagree with anyone. Family, friends, whoever… but I think that went it comes to relationships –ones that work well– you have to agree on major points: Values, morals, religion, level of progress, extent of goals, time frames etc… These things are important. You need feel the same way about your trending topics.  Trending topics is actually the way I found The Verbal Vixen. I search topics on Twitter and tweet my blog’s link to people taking part in the conversation. Usually Nicki Minaj. (lol. I mean… why not? Welcome to Ella’s world, Barbz!) Obviously we have something in common. And it worked. IDK VerbalVixen personally, but she’s a cool friend to have in the digital world. We have things in common. We share ideas. We share… diamonds. 

(Read: Precious Thoughts)

      So what’s the most important thing to have in common? My vote is this: how much free time you both need. That’s something “Thursdays” and I disagree on. Well, not really disagree, I simply don’t know yet. I have so much in common with him I feel like he really does add to the overall… world when he’s with me. But I need to understand that he has his own world and I should maintain mine. That’s something we should not  have in common. We do not need to be the same person. He can be him and I should be me. Freely. You should have a lot in common… but there’s a particular amount you need to have not in common. So that you have things to share. Perhaps he and I need the next couple of days apart so that we can brainstorm the next trending topic. We need time to breathe. To allow our minds to think for ourselves rather than as one. Because it’s super weird, but we tend to think as one. It’s a bizarre plus but a.. umm… an un tested antidote and I tend to have some side effects. So I’ve got to lay off the him before I overdose and it all goes south. 

    Speaking of sharing diamonds: The most important trending topic for me, at this point in my life, is marriage. I’ve written about it non-stop (The Royal Wedding; American Defibrillator) and can’t seem to help myself. But truly, that’s what I want. I’m searching for mine now. I’d say searching for love…but I’m just so skeptical of the term now-a-day, especially after listening to Frank Ocean’s American Wedding. & That’s a tough thing to say. Because I don’t want to force love. I do want it to just happen. But more than that, I want it to happen. So who do you talk to about things like this? All girls want to get married & it usually turns out to be a stupid conversation about colors, bridesmaids and table settings more than anything else. & it’s tough to talk to the guy you’re seeing about it because he may feel like you’re putting pressure on him or he might not be ready. But… Marriage is a trending topic you should comment on. You need to know if the guy your dating feels the same way you do. If he’s anti-marriage and you’re not, it’s not going to go the way you’d like (more than likely). You aren’t thinking the same thing.  Time frame also matters. Like… I don’t want to get married anytime soon, but I have an untitled time-frame in my mind that I need my man to be aware of… and not even aware of… but for him to share. There’s going to come an age where he should marry me if we’re still together. I need a man willing to do that.  

Bring it back:

          Like I said earlier, I was a Pot Head yesterday. & I tweeted about weed a lot. And not just the “yo, I’m smoking,” because I’m an adult and I worked all day, but actual conversation about why which I believe is important (Post Coming Soon). My ex –yup.. same guy from earlier– didn’t want me to smoke.  SoI didn’t. & I think that’s why I was so stressed out. On top of him not accepting me for who I am, of our methods of thought not connecting like they should, I couldn’t calm down afterwards. I’d get all stressed and wired and I’d have nothing to unwind my thoughts. With that said, my men have to blow a little tree. #JustSayin. You see where my ex and I ended up. You should be accepted for who you were when you met each other. If you have differences, fine. But to have things in common is a blessing. If we don’t enjoy the same things in our leisure time… what are we doing together? He didn’t want to take me out to eat and would have rather sat in the house. I have no problem with that now (on occasion) but please have the L rolled when you get here. Your level of “perfect” goes up if you roll another in the morning for me to have with my coffee. 

     You have to have things in common. Not only the things you love,but the things you hate. The things that piss you off. & sometimes the things someone might consider your flaw. Because a person who embraces your flaws might see them as beauty. Damn, it feels good to date a man who smokes weed. #PotHeadBlog.