Step #1 in acquiring a happy relationship is learning to mind your own business. It’s a lot of self-restrain which, previously, I was incapable of. You want to know where he is at all times, who is there and (deny it if you’d like) what the conversation is about. You want to know. Not simply to keep tabs on him (but that’s included) but because you need reassurance that he cares for you and only you. Most times, men won’t say it to you. They won’t give you the reassurance you need. We want to feel like the only girl in the world (thank you, Riri) and when we don’t feel that way, we try to convince ourselves that we are. Sometimes though, I think we go about it the wrong way. Instead of focusing on how much time he spends with us and the things he does for us, we’re concerned about his time away from us and what he’s doing elsewhere.
If you break out of this frame of mind, life becomes glorious. If you’ve read “Crazy [in Love]” or “Mr. Thursdays” or, worse, “The Unthinkable” you’ll have noticed I was going through it. Like… through it. I mean… relatively. From any girl’s point of view, anyway. It’s been a while since I’ve been seriously involved in anything. Sure, there are crushes. I like everyone. I’ll have a crush on any guy who’s cute, talks to me nice & takes me out to eat. I’ma simple girl, really. But there’s a difference when you begin to spend actual time with a person. Time that has nothing to do with them. Like… conversation about the upcoming election or the state of the Black community in modern America while I… paint my toenails. That’s the kind of chemistry I dig. & while your topic of conversation might vary from mine. I think that a person should just… fit into what you do normally. They should make you feel like you can continue to be you even when they’re in the room. It’s comfort. I mean, if love & marriage are forever, I’m going to be comfortable.
Your man wants to be comfortable, too. Honestly, you have to decide what type of girlfriend you want to be: Loud and screaming? Ignorant and inconsiderate? Spoiled and selfish? I’ve been all of these. And truthfully, if a man still loves you through any stance you take, that’s what he decided. In a matter of a month, I was all these girls. I don’t know why. I don’t do it on purpose. It just happens. Sometimes you’re meaner than you want to be. Sometimes he’s more annoying than he needs to be. But it all stems from somewhere.Fellas, if you’re lady is a bitch to you, it’s probably not because she’s a bitch. We’re scared. All of us. Sacred to open up. Scared to get hurt. Scared to let him and scared to be alone. Scared that he’s not the one. Scared that he is. Scared that he won’t feel like you do. Scared that he’ll leave. I was so upset at him those couple of days that I had to sit back and listen to myself. I had to figure out what it was. Was it really him? Or was it me? I started to ask myself these questions and literally half standing by myself like my own therapist trying to get my true feelings out.
I know I don’t love him. I just met him. But for some reason, I was trippin’ – for lack of a better word. The only thing I actually heard myself say was this: I don’t deserve to be alone. I’ve always felt that way, though. This is nothing new. And I’ve always deserved the best treatment, if I should say so myself. Not to mention, I believe that every girl deserves to be loved. Myself, included. Yet every time I get out of a relationship I’m stuck asking myself the same question: What did I do wrong now? Why don’t things last? And they typically last a good 2-3 years, but that’s been my max. Is it something wrong with me?
I’ve decided that it was something wrong with me. While I wasn’t blatantly a bad person to him, I’d hold back. There are certain things a man wants and needs. We try to pretend like we don’t care and don’t have to care… but they matter to him nonetheless. And the better you satisfy the needs of your partner (selflessly) the better your partnership. He does anything I ask him to. Or he’ll go out of his was to please me without my asking –that’s the greatest. So why won’t I do that for him? Why wouldn’t I treat him the same way. He’ll let me get away with holding back. He’d mention things but rarely complain. So doesn’t he deserve to be treated well, too? He doesn’t have to love me. And I don’t have to love him. But we should want to make the other person happy –if we truly care for them. Sometimes, I think we hold back on our partners because we don’t want to give too much We play the game under the rule of “Well you ain’t my man” and purposely –although not maliciously– keep our best faces to ourselves. If you were treat a man the way you know you can treat him (if he deserves it), you can keep that man forever. At least, that’s how I’m approaching this situation. And lord knows things don’t always work out the way we plan, but at least I’ll get some good times out of it. At least we’ll be out of the drama. At least we’ll be happy.
So how am I going to keep the crazy under control? By minding my own business. When a man wants you to know where he is. He’ll let you know. I don’t ask where he is. And when I want him to come over, I don’t ask, I don’t tell… I simply let him know I’m free. If he’s not, he lets me know. If he is, he’ll be over (at a decent hour). I stopped talking about the other girls –if there are any. I’ve stopped insinuating that that’s where he’s been. IF he has been with someone else, it doesn’t matter because he’s there with me now, & we shouldn’t waste our time concerned with whores. I’ve taken the road before where I openly talk about the other girls to “prove” that I don’t care. But no girl wants to know about anyone else. Even if she starts the conversation. Even if she asks. But I let him know that I don’t want to know. I’m not going to ask for him to pledge his fidelity to me, but I won’t allow him to blatantly disrespect me, either. I need him to lie to me if he has to. (Read: Me, You & Her: Open Relationships) I care more about my heart than I do about his penis.
When he’s with me, I’m his Lady. He might not say it. I might not say it. But you couldn’t argue otherwise. We don’t need to publicly title what we have (Read” What Do You Want?: Relationship Titles) but the public display will speak for itself. If you were to “date” my man, you’d still be jealous of how he treats me. He should treat me that much better than he treats you. I’m the one who gets his time. “I want all of my calls answered,” and I told him that. In return, I’ll cook him dinner, bring him a glass of water and give him a massage after a long day. When’s he’s with me, I allow him to be a man. I let go. I open up. I do it all for him with no reserve. I tell him where I’m going and what my plans are but I don’t ask about his plans. He’s a man. He wants to be in control. I don’t play around on his phone or ask him why he has a password on it. My phone has no password. & I delete nothing. I have nothing to hide. I’m honest with him and he needs to know that. He needs to know that he can trust me. So that he doesn’t feel dumb while he’s trickin’ on me and spending all this extra time. Men hold back, too. But you don’t want to give them a reason to. Because that’s when the next girl comes in and makes him feel like a King. Then there’s another woman on what should have been your throne.
*Waves to the Ex* All hail the Queen.
We all want to be treated like Queens. Even the girls who claim to need and want nothing. You can be a evil Queen or an adored Queen. It’s really your choice. Still, we want to be spoiled and loved and thought of and revered and held in high-esteem like the most magnificent woman created. But we treat our men like dogs. We give them less than they deserve. We show them no respect. We expect them to fuck up and then push them in that direction. We yell, we bitch, we moan (and not in a good way) and still expect to be treated like royalty. I said it before, there wasn’t a moment I didn’t deserve everything in the world. Any man who takes the time out to know me, understand me and actually care for me couldn’t deny that, no matter what I did to him. for example, my ex from when I was 16 still sends me a Happy Birthday message every year. This year, he was the first to say it. And I did him dirty. But he loves me. Because deep down, I am a good person. I just need a man who is willing to sit around for a little bit and see that. Then, he deserves to be my King and I will treat him accordingly. Luckily, I’ve gotten to the point where I can care about him openly… and allow him more than just Thursdays 😉
& maybe one day, he’ll make me his Queen. I wouldn’t be mad at that. I’m living a beautiful fantasy while I can. You really can’t blame me.
Step #2, you ask? Simple. You must employ great patience.