Sometimes, I talk to me. & I talk fast. & None of it makes sense but, to me, anything I say all ridiculously important. Sometimes, the people with the most to say offer no information at all. It’s always the same story. It’s the same shit. & it’s not their fault really… because things are always the same. You go through the same things all the time & it’s on you to decide whether to blow it out of proportion or not. It’s on you to give it importance. The toughest thing not to talk about -for a woman, anyway –is your love life. You want to tell everyone everything. Not because you want people in your business, but because you need to justify everything going on. When we tell our people our troubles, what we really say is, “I thought this was fucked up, you agree right?” Hopefully, we have good enough friends around us to give us solid feedback and input. But no one person is ever enough, right? You got to get multiple perspectives. So you talk and talk and talk until, before you know it, you no longer think what you think. Instead… you think in the way every one around you thinks. You’ve taken too much advice. You’ve forgotten the most valuable consultant: Yourself. 

     Sometimes, when I get on the phone with friends, they’ll ask me what I’ve been up to. But If I’ve been bloging, I really have nothing to say to them. I mean… I said it all. It’s all out. “You don’t read my blog,” is the thought that crosses my mind. But people shouldn’t have to read my blog to know what’s up with my life… or should they? I mean, I give out the same information. If you’re expecting juicy stories from me –deep secrets of sorts– you’ve got to be out of your mind. I know you’ve heard the secret that the only person who can keep a secret is a dead man. I don’t trust anyone and no one should trust me, to be honest. I’m a gossip-er. I’m a living page-6. I can’t keep secrets. The only secrets I keep are my own. Thing is… if you really don’t want something out… you shouldn’t tell anyone. Especially when it comes to your relationship choices.

    I’m debating an open relationship. I know it sounds wild… but I think the majority of people are unfaithful, especially in the beginning stages of a relationship. Monogamy is obviously of paramount importance to me (particularly regarding the overall health of my vagina lol) but  I’m just not sure how to work this. I’m not sure how to make sure a man doesn’t stray… and part of me isn’t sure you can prevent it.

     Do I turn a blind eye? Part of me had no issue with this. What I don’t know won’t hurt me. I know many women out there might hate that but… it’s true. You’ve won’t hear the falling tree in the forest if you’re too far from it. I want to be very  far from it. I don’t even want to know it happened. I don’t want to know which tree or which forest. Matter fact… I wish I didn’t know forests exist.

    Maybe if we discuss the rules full-out ahead of time, we can bypass all the bullshit and actually make something real happen. Maybe if we’re both honest with each other… we can make this happen. Like forreal. And make this work. “I think that if a man can afford to have two women, he should be able to,” he said. I gave him the look and he back tracked, stumbled, fumbled and mumbled trying to explain himself. Thing is… we vibe excellently and, I assume, he felt comfortable enough to elaborate. We had just finished watching Goodfellas (one of my fav movies) and I had mentioned how Karen is one of my “wifey type” prototypes especially in the way she handled Henry and his various affairs (Janice Rossi got the short end of the stick, but I explained that all in She Got it Made: The Gangsta’s Wife).

     I think I was built for a man –a real man. & by that I mean… a man who you can’t say nothing to because he takes care of house & home & you know it… I really do think all men cheat… at least once. I’m not saying they do it maliciously. I’m just saying that it’s done. & no, it’s not beyond their control… but it is instinctual. The only reason I’m using the word “instinctual” is because that’s the way  it was most recently described to me. “It’s not natural to be with one woman,” he explained as we laid in bed. “The reason we have all this sperm is so that we can spread our species.” I wanted to smack him. I wanted to go off in a “don’t give me that buuuulllshit” rantbut it’s true. Very few species mate for life. & there’s very few species I’d like my man to take after. I think pigeons mate for life. But I don’t want a man who resembles a pigeon –IDK if that’s funny or not, and I really have no reason.. but… nope. No pigeons –I’d rather have a King. & We know that the king is a lion. The Lion is also the singular male in his pack full of lionesses (is that a word?) He mates with each and everyone of them. Needless to say, lions are not endangered.

      The problem with humans is that we have emotions. We have feelings. We think and use reason. Reason should guide a man in his decisions and, hopefully, deter him from the worst of this intended actions. On the flip side, women should use reason to understand that a man is…. likely to cheat. My only explanation for this has been the following: When a woman is aroused… she can ignore it. There is a physical reaction to it all, but only we know it’s happening. When a man is aroused… something lifts his pants up #JusSayin it’s too noticeable. Sometimes too noticeable for him to ignore.

      So do we allow it? I’m not sure I could fully accept it. & to say that I could, even after all my own reasoning, would be to lie to myself. When you lie to yourself is when things go bad the fastest. I told you all Rule #1, Never be #2. So what if you’re number one? I like to be number one. & kept there, actually. I wouldn’t want to be the mistress. Or the shorty. Or the girlfriend. Or the wifey. I’d be the wife.  Karen was Henry’s wife. There was never any doubt about that.

     So there’s the question: If a man can do everything you need him to do, and perfectly… but every once in a while he needs to find a whore to do the things you won’t do, because, let’s face it… there’s certain things I just won’t do… is that wrong?  I mean… the day he says “No,” to me, gives me license as well, does it not? If you don’t lace me, someone else will.

     But aside from that, I guess the question would be this: How do you do it? I suppose that’s the key with any decision you make. If you make a decision, it’s yours. It’s your  business. & if you make that decision, you have to deal with it. It’s the same logic that follows the girl who gets cheated on & goes back with her guy… you shouldn’t have told anyone. It makes the situation easier to deal with and forget. No one around me needs to know that my man & I have an agreement. There is an understanding between him and myself that needs no justification from the outside world. I certainly wouldn’t want to know of anything going on outside my relationship… therefore, I suppose I wouldn’t pry. I wouldn’t ask where he was. Who that was who called. Where he’s been. That’d the the way to do it. Question is, can I handle it?

      This is me bullshittin, though. I might not be fully for it. I still haven’t worked out the kinks.. & he hasn’t put any red on the bottom of my shoes… so there is no deal made yet… I’m just considering the options.