Dear Miss Baltimore,
I had no intentions of starting this blog off in this way… but I’ve got to address one thing before I answer your question. You emailed me your [long] situation. & I took the time out of my day to read it because you took the time to write it. I know this situation is killing you and you need advice soon, but I’m a person just like you are. You emailed me on the 17th and again on the 18th –to check up on my progress, I assume. You’ve got to cut me some slack. The reason I’m most upset about it was that I felt like I had to promise you I’d respond last night… & then I didn’t come through. & now I feel guilty for giving you a time, which I’ll never do again. My removed perspective of the situation is always available… I just need time to figure out what I want to say.
I’m a woman just like you are. I’m also a person. I work from 9:30am (if I can get there that early… 10 is more realistic) until 8pm sometimes. But I make it a point to blog because it’s something I love to do. Please don’t press me out for a response, I’ll get to it (obviously). And, actually, there are other people’s questions I have yet to answer but I’m tending to you first because I don’t want your next email to be a death threat. So… I’m here to help. & I love to help…. you just gotta ease up, please. You’re not the only person living a life. It makes me wonder if this is some advice you might want to apply elsewhere in your life as well. No disrespect. I’m just sayin. The reason I’m speaking to you in this tone is because I think you need some authority in your life. There is one person each of us should listen to us, and that’s your own self. You already know the answer to this question. You just can’t seem to convince yourself. You need to believe it yourself: Girl, he’s got to go.
I know it’s easier said than done. I know that because I’ve been there, too. It was how I felt before “When He Left Me.” That place where every thought is of where it went wrong and if it can be fixed. You’re in that stage… where you think it might still be possible. You’re probably day-dreaming scenario where one day you’ll end up back together happy like you used to be. You’ve probably shared these with him. Because at one point it worked. At one point, you could come to a solution and “give it another try,” right? I’m here to tell you what people are afraid to say. Once love is lost, it’s gone. It’s like losing an iPhone at the club: You ain’t gettin’ that shit back. You can ask the DJ to say it over the mic. You can call the phone all you want and send text messages about a cash reward. It’s gone, love… It’s gone. But you already know that. I’m just confirming for you, because you need someone to. This isn’t healthy, love. You’ve got to let him go.
& I’m not saying let him go because he’s a “horrible asshole”. He’s a man. They change their minds. Not as often as women, but when they change their minds, it’s pretty much done. He’s done with you. If he wasn’t, he’d be all over you. I mean, The Men Who Like You are a Mess. At least, they should be. You are the mess here. That’s not how it should be, and you very well know it. You might just not be what he’s looking for. It wasn’t meant to be. Sometimes, that’s okay. You have to be ok with… moving on. Beyonce made the commandment way before Jay-Z did, “Thou shall move on to the next.” I need you to listen to Destiny’s Child, “Hey Ladies“. It’s my song dedicated to you. Perhaps you’ll be able to grow with this song. (It’s my personal opinion that music helps heal if they’re the right words.) The problem here is that you’ve allowed him to do you wrong and he’s going to keep doing it. He’s not going to change because he already knows the gravity to which he can walk over you and you’ll stay around. You need to stop making yourself so available to him.
So what if he text you? That doesn’t mean you have to text back. Since when do you respond to every text you get? If he blocked you on chat and all that, well… shit, block that nigga back. If he doesn’t want to speak to you, don’t speak to him. You notice how just when you stop speaking to him, he hits you back up? It’s because he likes to be ignored. He likes not being able to have you. Rather, it might scare him to lose you. If you stop loving him, he’s really got to search elsewhere. In that sense, men are just like women. They, too, like to have that person around who is in love with them so they can feel good about themselves. Don’t be that person for him. If you want to get over him (which is a decision you literally have to make and make out-loud to yourself) you have to cut him off. Don’t speak to him.
The Sayla V Story: (like “C’est la vie” it’s my real Alter Ego. FYI: We are ALL Ellas, but I’m the only Sayla V, & these stories are 100% Fact.) I loved my ex. A lot. Too much even. I gave him everything. When my heart beat, I swear it sounded like his name. I couldn’t let him go. I tried everything. Everything. Everything from compromise to showing up at his door with nothing but heels and a trench coat. Everything. But nothing changed. He grew more and more distant. The contact with the little groupie bitches only multiplied. At that time, I was working on my first fashion show. I expected him to show & support. Nothin. But I stay on. Then came my college graduation. I expected him to show. Nothin. He sent me a “congratualtions” text message. “Are you here?” I texted back. “I was but I left,” he replied. “You shouldn’t have wasted your time,” were the last words I ever said to him. I haven’t spoken to him since. Because that day, at that moment, I decided he didn’t deserve me. That’s what you need to realize.
I know you loved him. It’s okay to have loved him. & it’s wonderful that he made you feel like gold. Because now you know what that feels like. And a girl has no idea what that feels like until she feels it. But consider it a sample. Remember how it felt when you two were happy? Well it should feel like that all the time, even when it doesn’t. People argue and people fight, but you’ve got to be happy beneath it all. & commitment isn’t one of those things you can compromise on (I don’t think.) He told you straight out that he won’t give out his heart… yet you stay and fight for it. You know and you knew. Stop fighting for something he won’t give you. When a man is ready to give his heart, you won’t have to fight for it. & I know you’re probably wondering if he loved you… he probably did. But that doesn’t mean anything anymore. He proved that much.
You have so much life to live. It’s not over, hun. Love is out there.
& love yourself in the meantime.
& don’t be buying these niggas gifts. ESPECIALLY is he doesn’t get you something FIRST. & my personal rule is, I only spend half as much as he does. Not because I can’t afford more; it’s the principle of the matter. & I apologize if the begining of this was harsh. You’re a thinker, like me, & probably don’t typically ask for advice. Trust me, I’m the one to ask. You wanted me to be honest. Well… this is it. In “full”. Thank you for trusting me with your truths, Miss Baltimore –I dropped the “broken” for you, k? I’m here when you need me (on my schedule, though). ❤
& In case you decide to rewind & play yourself over again, come back to this post as a reminder:
Yea, he did me wrong,
But I love him so.
I keep holdin’ on
But he’s got to go, He’s got to go.
Thought he was the one.
But now I don’t know.
After what he’s done,
He’s got to go, he’s got to go.