“Just because you want the shit doesn’t mean you can handle it.” Jay-Z, Decoded, p95
People think they want truth. But I’m unsure of how much an individual can actually manage. I think I’m too open now. I tell too much. I used to lie. About everything. I was the most unfaithful, untrustworthy girlfriend any of my boyfriends has ever had. They might not think so, but I guarantee it. But… the last time I fell out of love, I fell so hard, that when I got up, I was a complete different person. I fell so hard, I think the old me died. It sure as fuck felt like it.
There are things we want out of life. And sometimes, we’re scared to admit them. Afraid of the outcomes. There’s the possibility that you simply won’t get that thing you’ve been working so hard for. That it won’t be given to us. That we’ll be denied. The only thing that hurts more than being denied something you want is not deserving that thing. Worse than that? Getting that thing and then fuckin it up. I have experience with all three.
When it comes to men, I used to make exceptions based on what he could give me. If he had no money, I determined that money didn’t matter. If he wasn’t in school, I decided “everyone has their own path.” If he didn’t dress exactly how I would want him to, I figured “we all have our own styles.” The thing is, all of those are true… but that doesn’t mean they have to be true for me. Those are not my truths. Truth is, I want what I want. Like Jean-Michel Basquiat, I’m using my art to “communicate [my] truth” (Decoded, p95). This is just my life. & While the rest of you have friends to talk to, I don’t trust anyone to understand me but me myself. & I don’t trust anyone to tell my story other than myself. Because I feel like things will be left out. Incorrect. Misinterpreted. & Then it would no longer be true.
When it comes to this blog, I think I’m doing something that’s never been done before. Sacrificing myself, not only for those who read this, but for myself. A martyr of sorts. I’m willing to put myself on the chopping block. I’m doing this so that I know what my truths are at all times. Sometimes in different situations, I forget the promises I made to myself. I forget what I said I would do. It takes me time to figure out what I should say in any given situation. How I should react. I write these blogs to remind myself of what I think. So that I don’t slip back into the person I used to be: Angry, hurt, abused, misunderstood, self-concious, nervous, worried, unhappy, unappreciated. It’s not like I was all these things at once. It’s that like any other person, these feelings arise in me. & Even I sometimes go back and read my own posts and admire my own strength. In the moment, it’s tough. It’s easier for me to write to myself. I give myself the same strength I offer to anyone reading this.
Being able to tell the truth is 95% of the battle in a relationship. It’s trust. I’m completely sold on this idea. The idea that relationships only fuck up once lies are told. If lies are told in the beginning, it’s fucked up from the beginning. If you start lying, it starts fucking up. It’s what lies do: They fuck things up. When you get used to lying, it is a huge problem. When you get good at lying, it’s infinitely dangerous. I want to trust someone. With everything. The only person I trust right now is my mother. She has no reason to lie to me, nor I to her. She isn’t afraid to hurt my feelings and I don’t fear her. She allows to speak openly with her. Sometimes, I even tell her more than I should. In a relationship, there should be no boundaries. If you can’t talk to a person about something, that something is going to eat away at you. You should be able to talk about anything and everything. From the meaning to life to if people who aren’t religious get offended when people say “Bless you” after a sneeze. (That’s a question I randomly wanted to ask You but didn’t because it was so weird… but that just shows me that I’m not comfortable. That I can’t be the real me, yet. I’m afraid of what he’ll think.)
The truth is, I’m scared as hell. I’m scared that I’ll end up alone. That a man won’t love me for who I am. Either he won’t really like me for me, or I’ll turn into a person I don’t recognize as I try to please him. I’m unwilling to accept either. I’ve got to just be me and hope that a man sees it and loves it. And if I end up alone… then so be it.
The reason this blog is coming up, is because You lost tonight. My weekends get lonely. And really, I don’t expect much. A 5 minute conversation is enough to satisfy me. Honestly. I know it’s a lot less than a lot of girls would like… but a simple “Just thinking bout u” text message is all I need. Unfortunately, tonight, it came from the wrong person. & Like I said before, if I write it here, I have to take my own advice. I was hit up today by two guys I wasn’t expecting. The biggest losers, actually (Not in the sense that they’re losers, their both actually very, very attractive): New Guy & Young Boy from “All Men are Created Equal“. Young Boy wants to “see me”, which in my book means dinner. I’m considering next weekend. New Guy simply is back on the radar, I’m not sure how I want to handle him right now. I’m going back home at the end of the month, so I might give him a call then.
Problem is, I don’t want any of this. I made my proposal to You in “Should I Invest,” but the thing is, even when a man says he’s going to do something (ie. read my blog), he rarely does it. He read a half of one blog and now thinks he knows everything about me. It takes much more than one blog to know my real thoughts. Today, I took my own advice. I needed attention, so I sent off a “Dirty Picture” like I told you all to do. & it did work. He did text back. He gave me a 9 out of 10 stars on the picture. So I sent him more to get my full 10. He hasn’t written back lol. (Alright, I’m a normal girl. So, yes, that is very embarrassing for me to say. But that’s what happened. Learn from my mistakes: send one pic & let it die.) Thing is, I had sent the pictures because I was getting attention else where. Attention I didn’t want. So I wanted You to play his part and give me a bit of entertainment. But I’m not sure how much he can. I’m starting to reconsider my Partnership offer to him. I’m not sure he can handle it. & Truth is, if I didn’t have this blog, I would make the exception. I could keep my mistakes to myself and pretend they don’t happen. I could pretend You is perfect and giving me all the attention in the world. When I write it here, I have to face it.
What people don’t realize is that the moment you slack, someone else will be there to pick up where you left off. I promise. Male or Female. This blog is proof. So, Young Boy might have a Valentine’s date now that I think of it. & New Guy should take me out for my birthday. I should be hesitant to write this all here but…. I really don’t “give much of a fuck (Decoded, p55)” about men who are really only trying to put their penis’s in side of me anyway. If a man who really wants my heart reads this, he knows that my heart is under lock and key. If You reads this, he knows that I’ve already given him the key. But he doesn’t know is where the safe is.
I have no choice but to utilize all my options. Depending on how the next couple of days go, we’ll see where You stands. For now, it’s not looking great. So I’m considering other options. What You doesn’t realize is that I can give him something all men yearn for. Men complain that they can’t figure out how women think or what they’re thinking. I literally give all my thoughts. If any man is out there wondering how women feel about a certain topic, I’m the one to ask. I can’t speak for every woman… but this the best you’ll get. & You? He gets the thoughts of his woman. Written. & I write the truth so brutally you’d think I soaked my words in it overnight. What more could you ask for?
At this point, I can only think that maybe he would ask for less…Hopefully he realizes what’s in front of him. It’d be quite a shame for him to miss out.
But… I’m not missing out on this date waiting on You to come around. I’ll be texting Young Boy back in the morning. Hopefully You can understand this truth and know that I really can’t sit around. & that if he keeps sitting around, someone is bound to take his place. For some reason men think we sit around and wait for them… wait.. it’s because we typically do. I’ve done it before… cut off the world in the name of some stupid boy I thought would love me. But till the day You tells me he wants me to be his, and acts accordingly. I’m single. & single means, I get taken out. Well, I get “Lended” out. When I make a commitment, I down for the ride. But right now, I have none. My schedule is open & I let You, New Guy and Young boy know that. Whoever wants to take up that time is welcome. But if You wanted it all to himself, I’d be ready for that. It’s just that at the current moment, it’s not feeling like that’s what he wants. So I’m not going to act like it either.
I won’t be in something alone. & That’s the truth.