Got a sweet lil’ darling back in my corner
Below I know I love her but act like I don’t want her.
Surrounded by the lovely but still feeling like a loner.
Could be an organ donor the way I give my heart.
But never know cuz shit I never tell her
Ask me how I’m feelin, I’d holler it’s irrell’ and…
I don’t get myself caught up in the jello jella
and the pudding pops others opt to call “fallin in love”…
But if you aint a sweety indeedy I won’t endorse
Hans Solo till I’m hit by the bullets, obey the force.
-Andre 3Stacks, Happy Valentine’s Day
I’ve thought about changing for You. Not completely… but the normal stuff. The way you pretend to be nicer than you really are when you first meet someone. It’s funny how first dates are full of stories about accomplishments and each person’s respective effect on the world. It’s just so much… nothing.
God, I’m tired. There are so many games. I’ve played them all. Every role. The good girl. The Bitch. The Round the way girl. The college girl. The stuck up girl. The party girl. The smart girl. The mean girl. I mean, different men like different things. What I want the most… is to just be me. I want to be able to be myself. & think my thoughts without hesitation. There are times when I say things. Mean things. Wrong things. Inappropriate things. But I think that all of of that which makes us “bad” is that which makes us ourselves.
Must be tough to date a blogger. Most guys don’t know I blog. So I get to bash them publicly without their knowledge. But the idea has always been, if you don’t do anything wrong, I’ll have nothing to write about. Since You might read these posts, I have no choice but to be myself. My truths are only a click away.I wonder where yours are.
People love to preach ideals. I am one of those people. In the forefront of my mind, I want to be completely open and honest. I want to let whatever man I’m dealing with know everything. So that there is no confusion. So that we’re headed in the same direction. So that neither one of us wastes our time. But then I wonder if maybe I say too much (which I undoubtedly have). But… one of the reasons I blog is so that I can figure out my truths for myself. The worst lies are ones you tell yourself. So I don’t lie anymore. Not to say that I haven’t I was a professional liar at one point. I was so good I didn’t need to think about it. I could freestyle my lies, I was so good. But that inhibited growth and fostered a false connection. Been there. Done that. Not what I’m looking for.
I put myself out there. First, for the integrity of this blog. “True” and “Honest” are words I hear to describe my writing all the time. I can’t sacrifice that. Additionally, I’m putting myself out there for me. I’m not hiding anything. I don’t do anything I’m not proud of. I don’t act in a manner where I’d have to leave out details. Even my dirtiest of escapades are done respectably. That’s just me. & whatever I write on here, I’m not worried. I like the woman I am. And know that I make pretty good choices… at least now I do.
A Friend advised me to sit & have the conversation. You know the one you don’t really want to have but probably should? The one where each person airs out their intentions and expectations? I don’t want to. But I want to. Well, I blog so… I have a venue for it. More than likely, You won’t read this, so, again, I’m not worried. Perhaps the conversation should be had. It’d be beneficial for both people to openly understand the other. But does that ever even happen? Even when the conversation does come up, how much of what you wanted to say do you actually say? Me? I sit, smile, shrug my shoulders & look dumb. My answer to everything is “I don’t know.” I hate it. But in the moment, I don’t know what to say. I fuckin freeze.
The idea of going all in and putting your feelings on the table and watching the other person fold scares me to death. Maybe that’s why people don’t tell the truth. When you start off with lies, it’s tough to go straight. When you start something off the way you think it should be, you miss out on what it is. Then things change and you no longer recognize that person. I don’t want that. I want to be open and honest. There are things I’ve done in the past I’m not proud of. I might do things in the future I won’t be proud of. Hopefully not, but people should allow their significant others to be human beings. To make mistakes. To have flaws. To be less than perfect. To take off their cool. I want someone I can be me with. But I want to be sure that that someone is actually who they say they are.
& I think You is most amazing when he has no cool on.
“So you’re telling me that our relationship has been built on lies?” asked Jenny
“Not all of it. Just the things I say,” responded Bart (Yup, Simpson.)