I almost told You everything. I almost just gave him my world. This is how I know I’ve grown: I listen to how I feel. & Then I try to understand why I feel that way. Because sometimes, yes sometimes, it is an illusion. But sometimes it is not. So a girl has to decide. Does she think with her heart? Or think with her mind?
A woman coaxes them to work together.
You wants to know how I feel about him. The thing is, I’m not quite sure. Not because of a lack of things I like… it’s that I don’t know what to say. Or when? I have 7 unwritten posts with You in mind. They range from light-hearted and girly to brash and decided. I can’t figure out where I actually am on the spectrum. I believe it’s too early to decide. Sometimes… sometimes I really like you. Like when you say pretty things. You say the things I want to hear exactly how I want to hear them. On top of that… you look like what I want you to look like.
You says the things he should say, how he should say them, looking like he should look.
This is dangerous.
Because I might not really like You. I mean… he’s allright…. Well… very allright actually. It could just be that I’m attracted to him. & while that’s… a very good thing, I don’t want to be swayed his smile. It’s happened before. I’ve been fooled by pretty men with pretty smiles that say pretty words until you pretty much forget the fact that he never calls. Men say things. They confuse us. The lead us where they want us to go (typically the bed) and then leave us there alone. You take pieces of us with you every time you leave. And somehow we fail to see that we’re the only ones who ever felt something. Stupidly. Not holding it against you. I’m just a fairly intelligent girl. I don’t make the same mistake twice.
So even though I’m diggin You, I can’t allow myself to. You will have to work just as hard as everyone else. Don’t worry, you’re steps ahead of the rest. If you don’t believe me, read “All Men are Created Equal.” I’ve been keeping score. (If You reads this, I’ll give him another point.) But, I won’t let him get anything I wouldn’t give anyone else. I think women are so quick to make exemptions for men they’re attracted to and that’s where we go wrong. There are things I need. Things I expect. Just because I like him doesn’t mean I have to cut him slack on the things I like. I like going out to dinner. I like movies (sorta). I like gifts. I like being entertained. I like to be spoiled. If a man I don’t like will do it, I’ll just be with him. At least he’s putting in work. Point is, I’m looking for happiness. I’m looking for added entertainment. Like Miss Hilson says, “can’t wait around for [just any] nigga.” I’m just… too old in this game lol. I don’t get caught up. It takes more to get me because I give more when I’m gotten. I’m positive I deserve everything I ask for. & I’m positive You has already noticed.
I know You didn’t ask. But I have to let ’em know.
***NOTE: This is why things don’t seem to work out for me, I think. I’m too honest, sometimes. Thing is, what I’m writing here is what women wish they could say. We wish we could lay all the cards on the table and know from the beginning what is what. I’m terrified of what You might think after reading this. But hey. I’m thankful for a venue where I can be honest. At least there won’t be any miscommunication. In person –and even via Skype– I’m pretty shy. I can speak my mind to men when I don’t like them… but it’s tough to explain to a guy that I do like him. When you tell a man you like him, they do one of two things: Either they run, or they take advantage of you. I just don’t know what You will do yet. At the same time, I don’t know what I’ll do yet.
When in doubt, I just tell the truth.
I’m going to ignore how cute You is. You have to impress me aside from that. You isn’t around a lot. Better yet, he isn’t around at all. A topic we have yet to discuss. So You should be able to see why I’m hesitant to make up my mind about my feelings. I don’t how they’ll work in this particular situation. Long distance doesn’t affect me much (right now). I’ve written on it before —World Wide Woman and Far [Fetched] Love. What I think about You, is that he has potential. I don’t know how to explain it and I’m not even sure I know what “potential” means. But its ambiguity is perfect.
I feel a lot of things. And no one post is going to explain it in completion. So, those 7 unfinished posts have grown to 12 while I’ve written this. You know that when you first start on a guy… there’s nothing but questions for yourself… so here it goes. My life; Your entertainment. Ella’s Thoughts.