After all the boys I thought I’d loved before, I didn’t know what love was. Until You knocked on my door. Keri Hilson, “All the Boys”



         Sabrina & I had a conversation the other day about the usual: Men. You know how, sometimes, you pay extra attention to one guy but he doesn’t reciprocate? Meanwhile, you’ve got other guys pining for your attention? Seems like he doesn’t realize how lucky he is. The feeling comes out a bit like this:

 “Do you know who the fuck I am? How fuckin lucky you are? Do you have any fuckin clue?”
           Everything in you wants to end that statement off with a, “You stupid mutha…” And you should. But you can’t.  He’s too cute. There’s something about him that forces you to allow him to get away with things. The problem is, you haven’t yet figured out that all niggas are the same.  I know some guys who get upset at my constant over-simplification of the male species, but… I mean… y’all are the same. All of you. Forreal though… bitches are the same, too. I’ll be the first to admit. While I’m completely different from any other female, all in all, to a man who’s handling his business and has his own life, I’m just another chick. As I should be. 
So why do we give more of our attention to one man over the next?
      All men are created equal, so that’s how women should treat them. I no longer give preference. I play them against each other. I grant special privileges based on merit alone. When you first start dating a guy, you’re getting the exact same thing: Nothing. The boy ain’t payin ya bills, feeding you or clothing you (all equally as important). So what makes you choose one guy over the next? Looks. The hottest guy usually wins out.  Second comes the baller. (If you’re anything like me, I’m more inclined to choose the cute/broke guy over the ugly Sugar daddy. Unless the Sugar -Daddy is decent. Then I aint going nooooowhere.) But since that’s easier said than done. So what I do, is give everyone a fair trail. 

Here are the guys in the picture:
Guy 1: Him –> A guy I used to talk to
Guy 2: You –> YOU 
Guy 3: New –> The Cute New Guy
      FYI: Men, you probably think you know where you fall in this list. But you don’t. & You’re likely to shift overtime. 
        I put them up against each other. It’s like my own private “For the Love of Ella” show except I do it on my own. For example, a little while ago, I got bored & texted Him. Simply for the entertainment. No Disrespect to You, of course. Him is just that guy you can call whenever you want an will give you all the attention you need. Problem is, I don’t really like him. I don’t want to hang with him. He’s there for conversation (until the conversation gets stupid like it usually does). Anyways, Him used to take me out a lot. More importantly,  he used took me shopping. So whenever he wants to see me, he tries to put his pennies on the table. I told him I lost the scarf he bought me. (Zara’s scarfs are amazing. I highly recommend.) He asked me if he bought me a new one, could we hang out that weekend. I told him I wasn’t sure. I mostly wasn’t sure because the conversation, like I said, got stupid and veered into sex when I wasn’t ready to go there. It’s what Him is good at: Stupid conversations.

      Then there’s You. & I actually like him. We have good conversation. But there is no way I’d have been able to see him that weekend….

FAST FORWARD: I know I write a a lot. Later on, I take you through each of the tests, but I figure I’ll let you read that if you want. When it comes down to it, this is what I’m trying to say:

     I refuse to give myself to a man who doesn’t deserve me. Which is what women usually do. I’ve done it so many times in the past. When we sit back and think of the shit we’ve been through, sometimes you knew it was bound to fuck up in the end. I highly doubt that a man who loved and respected you in the beginning just… changed. Same goes for women. We don’t change, you just stop accepting us for who we’ve always been. We do the same to men. We increase our expectations mid way through without warning. All of a sudden we want flowers and dinner when we never needed that before. People get angry and get upset and you fight, but you don’t disrespect people you love. You just don’t.  At the same rate, we choose the “sexier” guy over the guy who actually deserves our time. If you’re lucky, the two will be one in the same, but most of the time it’s not. Men are attractive. Some more than others. But we choose the man who would look best on our arm without actually thinking about who he  is as a person. Sometimes, we dont even like that person. We get so caught up in the physical that we don’t pay attention to the rest of it. We don’t get to know the person. Come to find out, they’re ugly on the inside.

       I need to learn to balance the things I’m looking for. Yes, I want an attractive man. I also want him to be kind. Driven. Passionate. Intelligent. Well-Spoken. Well-dressed. Honest. Fun. Lively…. all these things. & sometimes, one gets clouded in the other…. even more often, they get clouded in my loneliness… in the need to just have someone around even though they don’t deserve my time. The result of this is I just end up upset and more lonely as I wonder why I keep choosing losers. (The answer to which is that I keep choosing the losers.)

          The idea is to let every man prove himself against him competition. Let him show you why you should choose him over the next guy. And really make him plead his case. If he deserves you, there should be no question. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t. Plain and simple. Remember what I told you: No Exceptions. The Exceptions are just loser’s you’ve made amends for. They’re still losers even when you dress them up real pretty. All women are Queens and should be treated as such (if they deserve it, that is). There was a time when men would fight in the name of our honor. And prove themselves the most capable of love. In a relationship.. or in the beginnings of one, you have to prove that you’ve got what it takes. You’re always up against someone else. If a man doesn’t pay attention to me, the next man will and he needs to understand that. If You think I’m so great, what make you think someone else doens’t see the same. You have to prove you deserve me. That you’re the one I should think about & send Dirty Pictures to 😉

       Besides that, a man needs to be around. & sometimes it doesn’t even take a physical presence. Sometimes a girl just needs attention. & in this day & age, you can fine someway to contact me. A friend of mine is in a long distance relationship. This weekend, I asked her how she does it; manages without the attention. Because it’s hard. Sometimes all you want is company and that person can’t be there. So she tells her boyfriend openly & honestly that she needs attention. Half the battle in a relationship is simply being there when your needed. You should be there when I need you. Sort of… Ashanti: Not always there when you call, but always on time….

You can stop reading now if you’d like, my point has been made, but the competition is laid out below because I wrote that first.

This is how the competition is playing out. Since I’m still looking for my knight in shining armor,  consider this a modern-day joust.  They just have no idea they’re playing
_____________TEST #1____________
Him vs You

Him
Pro – Dinner. Movie. Possibly Shoes. Looks? Decent.
Con – He has a tendency to touch me & talk nasty. I don’t like to be touched or talk like that.

vs

You
Pro – Entertaining conversation. Laughs. Looks like… Yes.
Con – Won’t be able to see him. I’ll spend the weekend alone.

The Test: If I call You, and he picks up & we have good conversation, he wins. If he doesn’t pick up, he loses & I go on that date.

You picked up 🙂 I haven’t spoken to Him since.

You = 1
Him = 0

_____________TEST #2_____________
You vs The New Guy

New Guy — I’d had a fling with him a couple years back, but he’s still cute.  We had a good time then, not sure what he’s about now tho. Decided I’d see what was up.

vs

You (again)

Test: I text them both at the same time. Whoever responded in a timely manner won.

They both text back at the SAME time.

I tried the same test a couple days later. The New Guy responded at first, but then stopped. He thought it was ok to ignore my text and hit me a week later. While You doesn’t always respond in the most timely fashion, why would I agree to continue conversation with a man who outright ignores me?

You = 2
New = 0
Him = 0

_____________TEST #3_____________
Battle of the New Guys

New Guy #2 -Derrick Marshall. Met him at the club — Game was agressive, but I like a manly man. Had him walk me out when we left. Made him hold my purse as I put my coat on 😉 #points

vs

New Guy #3 – Met him at the same club – Young looking. Well dressed. Very fly. Kept pronouncing my name wrong, so I text him the spelling. (This is the guy my friends said is “cuter”)

Both guys text me that night. They were even. BOTH didn’t text me for FIVE days. & hit me last night. 

TEST: Who has more potential?

Derrick Marshall: Like I wrote about in “Rule #1: Never be #2” He has a chick he told me about. But I can potentially abuse him for all his pennies. Besides, I’d rather hang with a man who knows it’ll take work to get anything from me. I like a man who likes me more than I like him.

Young Boy: text me back calling me the wrong name. On purpose…. Twice. I txt back & said “I really don’t like that. Thank you for hitting me up though.” He tried to call, but I didn’t pick up. He’s cute, not sure he’s used to rejection. Too immature for my taste.

New Guy = 0
Derrick Marshall = 1
Young Boy = 0
Him = 0
You = 2

_____________TEST #4_____________
The Final Battle: You vs Everyone 

You & I hadn’t spoken for a bit. The whole weekend actually. But I had had friends over to visit so it was pretty perfect

vs

Derrick Marshall: Still pressing on.
Him: Haven’t spoken to him, but I know I can get him to bite if I want. He’s always a txt away.
New Guy: Why would I even bother? Although he text me recently in response to one of my Facebook statuses. So, I ignored his bitch ass. #FuckYouThinkThisIs
Young Guy: LOL @ him.

Everyone failed. But You was failing, too. I had texted him earlier in the day & was hoping he’d text back. I don’t expect to speak to him everyday… but I was wondering how many days is too many days? Meanwhile, I was getting messages from men I wasn’t interested in. So I silently promised You one thing: If you call me tonight, I let everyone else go.

TEST: Can you be there when I need you? Better yet, when I want you?

Not only did You call. You Skyped 😉

You wins. (This round.)

**For those who kept reading or those who’ve been reading from the begining, I typically give the guys I’m talking to a name. You exists & he asked to hear about himself. I’ve got to figure out a comfortable way to write about You first… Stay tuned.