See I would give my love anyway I could give. But things aren’t always the way that they seem. I’ll tell you girl, I’ve been there. My heart would break everyday & every night I would cry. But that was so, so long ago. I know I just couldn’t see what I needed for me… [&] If I fall in love again, he’ll be more than just a friend.
– Keyshia Cole, “If I Fall in Love Again”
It certainly has been a while.
I don’t talk to anyone. I mean, both in I’m not involved and I have no one to speak to lol. This passed weekend, my friends visited. I talked so much that I haven’t had a voice since Monday morning. My throat wasn’t used to it. It really feels like I went to Six Flags. Thing is, I rarely speak. Not that I can’t. I’m free to pick up the phone at any given time. Depending on how much free time I have, I know who to call. If I want to talk all night, Sabrina’s there. If I want to talk till a decent hour (lol) Carl’s number is dialed. If I just want to hear someone’s voice, Crystal’s the homie for it (that’s my baby, forreal). If I want to catch up with pleasantly paced conversation or shit that’s really important? Ashley. There are plenty more people to call in between, but for the most part, I sit in bed and listen to music. Sometimes, I listen to the same song on repeat for days. Most recently on repeat is J. Cole’s “Hit it in the Morning” (that joint crank, right?!?) Truly though, I do entertain myself. As boring as my time alone might sound I’m perfectly comfortable…. That is, until I get lonely.
What am I looking for? That’s the question many might ask themselves as much as I do. Or it might be the question you have for me. Carl sure asked. Sometimes I sit & think of the loneliness and decide that yes, I would like to have someone by my side. But then, there are other days that are so jam packed with… me that I’d rather not have additional obligations. Because, let’s face it, a relationship is an obligation. Rather, it should be. Some people see that as a bad thing, I see it as a necessity. I don’t think you should take on a relationship without being willing to give your all to it. It’s not fair. It’s not right.
Last night, as I talked to Carl, we tried to figure me out. What is it I want? The low-down is, I want it all without the hassel. As Carl said, I want the best of both worlds. Time & time again I’ve tried to write this post in the best manner possible but I can’t figure out any simpler way to say it except that I’m… ready. I’ve never been ready before. & If I said I was, I lied. I simply knew I had the potential to be. I was the type of girl was simply ready to be in love. I wanted love. I yearned for love. I fought for love. Chased love. Cried love. Laughed love. Love was my main concern. Nothing mattered more. I took on relationships with my heart. Open and willing. Caring about nothing more than how a man could make my heart skip beats. Adoring that person beyond compare. Deciding that if my heart chose him, all else was null. Now I’m not saying that the feeling of love in itself isn’t important, I had simply failed to understand the things love needs in order to thrive.
Love needs two people. Both people need to be in love (or willing to try) in order for a relationship to move forward. But that’s not science & I’m sure we’ve all heard that before. But Love also need two distinct people. Like… each person needs to be their own person. Sometimes we give too hard. At least I do/did. I used to give it all I used to make up my mind and say, “Ok… If I’m going to be in love, I’m going to give him everything. I’m going to give him all of me. Because he deserves that.” But then we get lost in that person. The bit of time we used to take for ourselves, we give away. Because we want to. And there’s nothing extremely fucked up about that, it just turns into an issue when you give up too much of your time. I’ve done that before.
I need someone who lives regardless of me. I want the time that is spent with me to be a treat, not a chore. I love a man with responsibilities. A schedule. Shit to do. I like to know that time spent with me is an effort. If he can see me, something was put on hold, but nothing pressing. (Truthfully, I like to feel very important.) I want time spent with me to be an escape from the world, because that’s how I’ll use him. I don’t want someone I have to or am going to see everyday. I want to look forward to his company every time. Some might say it’s impossible, but I refuse to sit and not try. I don’t want to be bored with a man. I don’t want him to become a part of my life. I want him to be an exceptional addition to the beautiful life I already live. I don’t want to think when I’m with him. I simply want to be. I don’t want to worry. I dont want to fight. & I know that all of that is inevitable, but if I know that I only have one day with him, I’m not going to fuck up that one day by being annoying. I’ll admit, in the past I might have. But this is not the past. And I don’t want any more pain. I’m tired of it. I never want to feel anger again. I’m so tired of it.
If you haven’t noticed, I get tired. Often. & men are like clothing. Sometimes, they’re only fit for the season. Some are cool, but they just don’t hold up in the long run. Some are nice at first, but poorly made if you look close. Other’s are cheap and you can tell from afar. The man you’re with defines you. (As do the clothes you wear.) And honestly, with the next I’m with… “God willin, I’ll be chillin on a boat, nigga. Life’s a gamble. I ain’t dealin with no broke nigga.” (J. Cole’s Higher) Additionally, if an article of clothing (or a man) doesn’t fit like it needs to, you end up throwing it out. Or you lose it. Or you give it away. Either way, you don’t want it like you should. I want my things to stand the test of time. I want quality. I want resilience. I want impeccable workmanship in a versatile product. I want it to work with everything. Fitting for all occasions depending on how I work it. Like Jay said in Dirt off Your Shoulders, “From the bricks to the billboards. Grams to the Grammys”. No, I don’t need a drug dealing rapper, but I need a man who can go to my family cook outs and corporate events. I’m not a dinner & a movie girl. I’m a dinner & a nightclub typa chick. But I get tired of the same thing. With someone always in my face. Doing the same shit. Making the same mistakes.
My main battle right now is deciding which invitations to take on. I’m also tired of wasting my time. You see, men are attractive, so we let them date us. But we know from that very first conversation how far this can go. So… sorry sir with the Gold teeth, no matter how nice you are to me, I just can’t do it. & hard working boy in retail, I admire you… but you don’t have enough pennies to entertain me properly. & it’s not even (completely) about the pennies now, but you might not have pennies later… and that is a problem. Then there’s the idea of, well… what are we going to do. I told Carl last night, I’m not 15 and making out doesn’t excite me. Groping doesn’t interest me. Sexuality is a complete other beast, but dirty, unconfined lust (with someone I barely know) isn’t my game.
So when it comes to the dating game, unfortunately, I’m sitting this one out. I’ll play when I find a capable contender. In the rarely eloquent words of Miss Minaj,”Competition? Why, yes. I would love some.” I’d just… rather be in my own company than with someone I don’t like. Or someone who isn’t worth my time. Not to say I want to marry the next man I date… but I want to marry someday. You can’t blame me for giving a fuck. [Instead of giving a fuck.]
Thanks for listening, yall.
#TeamCelibate lol ❤