So long my lovesick youngsters. Goodbye my used-to-be friends. I remember each vaction. Each day we wasted. It was so different [in 2010]. Keri Hislon – “All the Boys.”
I’ve been away for a while. & although I’ve gotten suggestions, recommendations and material to blog about… I haven’t been able to bring myself to write. The drafts have been piling up. Not only have I been trying to figure out my next post… but my next step. In everything. I’ve had a pretty eventful time since I’ve been off blogger, & you’ll hear about it all… but I’ll start at the part you all seem to read the most: My Dating Scene.
See, I met a guy on New Year’s Eve… and he was pretty good looking. Nothing to drool over, but good enough to be seen in public with. I spoke with him a bit at the party… but that encounter ended fruitlessly [Read Here]. New Year’s day provided some more prospects… but I wasn’t moved by any… Part of me thinks that it’s for one simple reason: ______ came back into the picture. The conversation started off well –via AIM which I’m ridiculously tired of but it’s the only medium he would reach me on — and so I continued on. Since neither of us would watch our AIMs, the one conversation went on for a while. A week, maybe? Two? Eventually, we got past the sexual innuendoes and touched on why we stopped talking. Apparently, I was acting like he had to “bow down” to me. I told him I saw it differently; I didn’t like the way he spoke to me. I needed more respect. Somehow… the conversation derailed. It seems we suck at communication. He makes a joke. I get mad. I make a joke, he gets mad. Written sarcasm has never been my strong point. I mean… you all know this… I make the worst jokes in the world. I amuse myself, yes. But I am no comedian.
The problem is, he gave me a taste of what he could be like. He was an absolute sweetheart. I told you all before… I think he knows how to love. But finally, I’ve realized that, while he might have showed me what that’s like, his love isn’t for me. And that’s a hard concept to understand. I think that’s why we tend to hold onto certain people/things. Because we see what they are capable of rather than what they’re actually doing. _____ isn’t who he was when I met him. There may be endless reasons. He might have gotten bored. I might have messed it up. IDK. All I know is that people are who they are. & they change & grow at their own rate. Relationships are hard to turn around. Now that he’s gotten to this point with me, I know that it’s over. Same as when I’ve gotten to a point with a man, no matter how hard I try to love him like I used to, it’s a futile fight. When you stop feeling it, it’s because “it” is gone. Now with Keri Hilson’s “All the Boys” on repeat, I sit and wonder if I even know what love is. & I will say, I appreciate _______ because I admired his kindness. Even though he couldn’t be mines, I know that what I felt in those first few weeks we were involved… I want that again. Those few weeks were better than I had ever gotten elsewhere. They were….honestly? Perfect. & it wasn’t anything spectacular… he just said what he should say. Did what he should do. Was who he should be. And that’s why it’s been so hard to let go of him. Because I have to simultaneously let go the chance that accompanied him. I didn’t know it could be like that. I didn’t know I could like someone. I’ve had crushes. I always crush. But I’ve never like someone for who they… are. lol.. I know that sounds really fucked up but.. It’s my truth. I liked things about guys, but I never care about them initially… all that always grew on me afterwards. Sort of… forced. With _____ it was different. Somehow…
I’ve got to realize that he wasn’t the only chance.
& you’ve heard this before… but I am done. The conversation ended on high note for me. Communication blocked on my end. Say what you want… but we all know it takes a bit of lying to ourselves before we can tell our own selves the truth. Thing is… when you finally tell yourself the truth… you know it. I don’t know how to explain it… but it’s that final feeling of “I’m through.” There are no “if or “maybes”. That’s it. It’s over. The euphoric feeling you once felt at the sound of their name is gone. [I know because Katelynn said his name today.. and it did nothing to me.] It’s a mental & emotional sigh of relief. I feel lighter. I feel like I can move forward. & not that I was holding onto him… it’s just that when a girl is all alone.. you sometimes need tangible proof that someone, somewhere cares about you.
This dating thing is hard. I don’t even know how to speak to men. I really don’t. & honestly, I no longer want to know how. Granted, I can help out with “game”. I’m great at saying what should be said… but that’s all game. I don’t say slick shit like that on a regular basis. It comes out. & it’s funny as hell. But I’m not suave. I’m not cool. I’m just me. & that’s what I want to be liked based on. I want to be desired simply because I am who I am: I girl who’s Saturdays consist of doctor appointments, thrift store shopping and laundry. For fun I read WWD & blog. For the time being, I’m obsessed with 60’s style hats & have decided to learn Italian. I’m perfectly boring. At least I think so.
This is my first year ever making a New Year’s resolution and this is it: Love Me. Let me explain…. I refuse to let anything make me unhappy. Or to think that I have to change something about myself to appease the world. Sometimes, I think, you just need to lay out the facts about yourself & understand how great of a person you are. I had a conversation with my roommate last night & he began to lay them out for me (awkward). I’m 22 years old & on the path of my career. I’m young. I’m happy. I have the support of my family. I have countless friends from very different parts of my life. I’m healthy. I have so much life ahead of me. (He didn’t say all of that, that was my elaboration. lol)
My roommate told me that I look young. And that with “experience” I’ll start to look older. I had to disagree. Women who “look” older just look worn out. They let life take a hold of them and take all their joy. They’ve let these men take their hearts and keep them. Maybe i’m of a different breed because my heart regenerates. I’ve been through enough shit. I’ve loved and lost. I’ve hurt and cried. I’ve felt like my life was over and at times wished it was. But I didn’t let that ruin me. I smile everyday because I have a concept of life and what it means to be here. What it means to breathe. The key to staying young? Understand that time goes on without you. There is no end of time. So relatively, you’re always young. When I’m 100, I’ll know that if the world has already been around for 2089 years (after Jeebus), which means it can go on for 2089 more. It’s really all in how you look at things. & if you focus on the negative, negative it all you see. I mean.. it’s your focus. It’s like.. your major. I’m as interested in majoring in Unhappiness as I was in talking on Accounting. It’s not for me.
And so… I’m taking on 2011 as simply another year (because I don’t get any older than 25. I might be 22 again this year). & I’m still out here. Living & loving life. I take each day as it’s own complete journey. Today… I’m blowdrying my hair & walking to Target to return this movie & buy lotion. It’s just another day y’all. If something happened yesterday, that mean’s it’s done. Yesterday is gone. & so is everything else that happened in it. Think of it as deleting a folder off your desktop. When you hit delete, you delete the folder and its contents. As Ekhart Tolle might say, I’m offically living in the “Now”. & I love who I am.
After all the boys I wish had loved me more… I look forward to what’s in store. & when love knocks on my door, I’ll have no problem recognizing it.
Call me stubborn. But I’m not willing to change. Or “mature” (slash be an angry woman) or be lenient on what I expect from a man. I’d rather be alone than unhappy.