You bring me hope when I can’t breathe. You give me love, you’re all I need. Slowly I’m holding you closely. So happy to carry you inside me. I’ll feed you, love, and I hope it’s enough to inspire you through suffering, holding you up.
– Christina Aguilera, “All I Need”
Ok. Where do I being? First, let me explain to you one method I use to keep up this blog. When I get an idea, or have a new thought, I save the idea as a draft. I usually come up with titles first. So, I save the title. A while ago, I saved this title, “I Want a Baby.” I could have saved it at any given point. I’m really not sure what set it off, but the fact remains… somehow I do feel that way. Now, anyone who knows me personally will be shocked.
Most people think I don’t like kids. Even though I spent most of my high-school summers working day camps, mind you. Still, the fact that I don’t want to change someone else’s child’s diapers somehow translates into me not liking kids. I also would rather not hold babies. I’m just not comfortable. Babies are awkward things. I mean… they’re cute, I’m still fascinated by the mere ability for one organism to grow inside of another. I kind of just don’t like babies because they have no personality –to me at least. Parents get a whole different view. They have the time to bond with the infant and know what it does/doesn’t like… to figure out its quirks and habits. I’m just an onlooker. I like kids when they start sitting up on their own and hold their necks straight. I like them when they can talk. I love kids. Like the 4, 5 and 6 year olds who have nothing but stories to tell you. Those kids are entertaining. Like… my cousin just had a baby. Now the newborn scares me, but his son? That kid is a BLAST. I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again — I’m not interested in anything that shits & throws up on itself. I’m just not ready for that. & I ain’t volunteering.
Other people think I’m afraid of kids because I am incapable of raising them. I make a lot of jokes about… babysitters, nannies, my mom. I pretend I’m going to push my kids off, but in reality… I wouldn’t have children if that were the case. People say it all the time: How much trouble I’m going to have when I have a child. It always both surprises and offends me… like… am I really incapable? Really because I have a hard time picking out clothes and toys for other people’s kids, you think I couldn’t raise my own child? I’m not saying it’s easy, but if a 16 year old can manage, I’m pretty sure that I — at 22, educated, employed and insured — could manage well enough. But then again, that’s not a battle I’m ready to fight. I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone right now.
Still, I can’t help but to want one (eventually). The other day, I watched my first whole episode of Glee. It was the episode where the cheerleader chick is pregnant and the boyfriend (who’s not really the father) feels like he has to tell the whole so he “sings his feelings” to her while at the table with her parents. So he starts to sing Paul Anka’s “You’re Having My Baby” in which the lyrics read “What a lovely way to tell me you love me.” And that’s exactly what it is, I think. Babies mean love. And I look forward to finding a man who I love that much that I’m willing to wipe shit and be thrown up for. For me, allowing a man to father my children would be the equivalent of telling him everything I’ve decided: That I trust him with my heart, my mind, my body, my family, my finances, my woman hood, my future, my dreams, my goals, my aspirations. I know that seems like a lot, but that’s the proclamation I’d be making if/when I have a child.
It’s a frightening feeling for me. Cuz you see, here’s the thing. I’m on the path of my career now. This means that my vision for the future moves in no other way than upward with wealth and self-actualization increasing exponentially. When a man has a child, it doesn’t really affect him. For me to plan to have a child, I have to figure it according to where I am in my career & how much I’m willing to give up. Because I might have to give something up. I figure I’ll be at this job 2-ish years. My next job 3-5. See the more experience you have, the better position you can get. “Entry-level” typically means 0-2years experience. So I plan on having a couple more jobs after this one until I get where I need to go. But if I have a child, I’m either going to have to take a break in between jobs, or be at the job where I can take my 6 months with no problem –Where is it really no problem? I want to have a job where I matter. Where my voice counts. Where if I’m out, people are still calling and emailing me because I’m the Boss. Not somewhere where they can find a replacement easily. I don’t think I can have kids until I’m the boss. When I grow up, I want to be a Boss Bitch.
I don’t think I’m alone in this feeling, the fright might translate to many women out there. Even while I’m dating guys, I kind of.. really…want to know if he wants to have children. But how do you ask a man that without scaring him off? I’m not sure any guy my age really wants to have that conversation. And honestly, I don’t think I’m ready for the conversation either. I kind of want someone who secretly want children like I do. I don’t even want to talk about it. I just need him to be the type who (when the time is right) wants the same things I want. Similarly, if I don’t think the time is right, he should push me. I don’t want to hear conversation about the clock ticking and all that other BS. I want a man who doesn’t have anything to prove. Who can be content as a man without having children.
But maybe I’m only thinking about babies cuz I aint got shit else to think about. That’s a dangerous possibility. My cousin gave me a ride to my subway stop the other day & we had a short convo about –you guessed it– babies. I think there comes a time when each individual person feels like he/she is ready. All I could say is… when the timing is right for you. Mostly because I didn’t know what else to say. I don’t think people should have kids just to have them. I think it should be because of love. I mean, this planet is already over-populated as is. Not everybody needs to have kids. & Men can have kids forever. Then there’s the argument of wanting to “keep up” with your kids. If you don’t take care of yourself now, you wont be able to keep up with them regardless of your age. Me? I just don’t plan on getting fat or wearing myself out. Things are very simple in my head, if you haven’t yet noticed lol.
My favorite thing in the world is Fathers. I’ve never really experienced that, so when I see a man, let’s say… walking his kid to school, it makes me smile. I love to see a man taking care of his child. I love a father. But a real father. Not a sperm donor. Sperm donors are my least favorite thing. I love a man who sees the beauty in children. But also the seriousness. A man who sees that there is much more than buying diapers that goes into a child. For me to have a child, I need a man who is already thinking about how to put his kids through college. Because I am. I know my job provides a college savings plan and I intend to use it when the time comes.
So let’s set the record straight. I don’t have children, not because I can’t and not because I won’t… but because now is not the time. If and when I have my children, I will be an astounding mother because I’ll take on Motherhood as I have my career — or instead of my career. I’m not saying there is a correct way to do it, but I’ll take time in finding the best way for myself and man I have chosen to conceive with. I do want children. Many. If my husband is paid enough, I want upwards of 5 and I’ll willingly stay home, do charity work and work on my memoir/clothing line. & Yes, I’m afraid of them. Simply because I know their not dolls and, at the moment, couldn’t handle the responsibility of taking care of it. I lose and break things all the time.
My biggest reason I stay away from children is because I was afraid this would happen. I didn’t want to want children. I don’t want to know how to hold it or burp it or feed it. I’m sure it’s all easy enough once you get used to it, but the more uncomfortable I am with children, the less likely I am to have one. I want to be uncomfortable. I want children to be serious to me. To be fragile and intimidating. That’s the way I want it. I want to be scared. I want my child to be the child that breaks me into it. I want all my firsts to be with my baby. I’m willing to wait and learn because I think it’ll be fantastic. I’ll ask advice when the time comes… but right now, I couldn’t care less how often a baby eats or the right ways to do whatever.
Wanna know what interests me right now? Files for E-Blasts should be sent as GIF files and any magazine ad released to a Conde Nast publication needs its copy to be at a 2mm minimum. Also, logo legibility in ads takes a shitload of time to edit and confirm, so when releasing materials to composing companies, one needs to plan accordingly. & did you know that Men’s clothing was more profitable this holiday season that women’s clothing? Probably because women, this season, are buying more accessories and shoes to compliment their wardrobe than actual clothing. Oh, and the price of cotton is up and so is gold. Coincidence? I think not?—That is the shit I find fascinating at the moment. Not shitty diapers.
I believe there is time for it all. I think I have time to live my own life before I create another. I think I can take care of my body well enough that it lasts. I think that it’s ok if I die before my children do, but if I make the right choices now, my body will be better equipped to stand the test of time. I believe children are expensive, and rightly so. I refuse to struggle. I want to give them everything, including my time. So I want to be done with my partying (&I’ve only just begun). I don’t think I need to have children -there are orphans in need of homes and I believe it’s an act of moral greatness and selflessness to adopt. I do not believe 30 mid-life. I plan on living beyond 60. & I do not believe in rushing into something as great a parenthood, especially when you have the luxury of waiting. I am going to take my time. & when my time gets here, it’ll be beautiful no matter how tough. I guarantee it.