If I fall in love again, he’ll be more than just a friend. And we’ll be strong.
Keyshia Cole – “If I Fall in Love Again“
“Let’s just see where this goes,” he said. & I agreed. Stupidly. I thought I was okay with it because I didn’t know what I wanted. And instead of having nothing at all, I could hold onto a little piece of something and… see where it took me. At least I was going somewhere, I thought.
Don’t get me wrong, sometimes… seeing is the only way to get there. When you “see where it goes” you let go of expectations. You stop trying to label everything. Nothing fits into a specific category of right and wrong and both parties are afraid to call the other wrong since no one “has the right”. It’s a blissful limbo… You can just… be. There’s a certain sense of freedom in it. In the absence of restraints. There’s the thought in the back of your mind like “I can do what I want” and “he ain’t my man” (or… “She ain’t my girl” for the fellas…) but then you think about what the other person is doing and is it really that easy?
I used to hide behind a rock solid wall of “respect”. The idea of, don’t do anything to disrespect me. I demanded that he think before he act. That if he wanted me, he shouldn’t want anyone else. That it was disrespectful for him to involve himself with other women if he truly cared for me. Truthfully, it was what worked the best. It was the argument that held the most ground… but it took to much defending. It took too much proving. It took too much guard work. It took too much trust.
That’s when you realize you need those titles. When the lack of definition burns at you as you try to understand why that person would have any obligation to you.Now, I’d be a fool to tell you I have low self-esteem, but I’d be a liar if I claimed I thought myself effortless beautiful. My beauty takes work and thats what scares me most. Why would any man decide –for himself– that he wanted to be truthful to me and only me. Granted, I could list off the reasons for him, but would he be able to see it for himself? Would he be able to ignore the beauty of other women long enough to see all that I have to offer. To understand my grandness? The way I do? The way he should? The way it is?
After a while it gets tough; deciding what it is you really want. If you tell a man that your looking for a relationship. Something meaningful. Something Lasting. Intense. True… You run the risk of chasing him off. Seems like many men are afraid of it. It seems no one is “ready”. But I can’t count myself out, I’ve said the same. I’ve told men that I wasn’t “ready” when in reality… I just didn’t want him. In truth, you only want a relationship with particular people.
With that said, I know men feel the same.
So when a man breaks back into my life, every bone in my body just wants to flat out ask him, So what the fuck do you want? Really. I want to know what your true intentions are. Do you think you can slide back into my life and glide into my bed? If only it were that easy, babe. I’m too busy spreading my wings to spread my legs and really, I don’t have the time to “see where it goes.” I don’t feel like wasting my time. I don’t want to concern myself with someone who has no concern for me. Or someone who only wants me because they’ve come across free time. Or whatever little jump-off had been letting him in got old and tired. I’m not here to pick up slack. To scrape up free time.
I want something... I can’t do this anymore. I can’t play these games I can’t talk to you about nothing. I can’t pretend I don’t want something more or that I haven’t thought about the things that we could be. Even if they were all lies. Even if it was all fantasy.. Even if I was the only one who felt that way, I promise you it felt better to pretend to myself that to feel like you thought nothing of me. What am I supposed to do? Sit and wait until you decide I’m good enough. There’s a part of me that wants to sit and wait… simply because it’s you. That’s really the only reason. & you fail to see the things I’d do simply for you. But I can’t bring myself to wait on you if you don’t feel the same.
Why do men show back up? Why do they say all the things you want to hear and then disappear, leaving an imprint in your mind that you consistently try to match up with the next like a fucked up Cinderella story. You’re supposed to look for me. And the fucked up thing about it all is that I never left. I let you know exactly where I was at every turn.
The path goes cold here. For us, at least. I’ll continue on alone. And while I’ll miss you, I know that I don’t need you. I’ll admit. I get lonely. Very lonely. But it’s better to be not thought of at all that to be thought of and then ignored.
All I know is… I need a man who needs a woman. Those are the titles I’m looking for.