Even though we aint ballin, feels like we bought it all. 
Kanye West ft Cam’ron, “Christmas in Harlem
          This holiday season was amazing in the most minute way. For the first time in my life, I bought Christmas gifts. I know, I know. I’m selfish. That is something I came to terms with a long time ago. It’s a chracteristic of myself that I’ve held onto with pride, simply because I knew that people were just misinterpreting how much I value myself. Like when my ex called me selfish because I told him I didn’t want kids at the moment (I was 17) because I wasn’t done partying.  So… yea, this Christmas, I had 6 kids. 

           My biggest argument against Christmas is that people tend to expect gifts. In turn, children expect gifts. Those are the gifts I hate giving. I gave this year, and yes, I had fun shopping… but I don’t know how next year will be. I refuse to give out of obligation. This year, I gave from the heart… More importantly, I gave from my New Year’s Eve partying fund. Luckily, a bottle of Vueve Cliclot arrived at my desk last week, followed by a mediocre bottle of red wine (but bad wine is better than no wine at all) and I got a legit 80’s dress out my mother’s basement. When I say “legit 80s” I mean a dress my sister once wore to a school dance. & Please believe my sister WORKED the 80’s (pictures after NYE!). Anyhow, hopefully everyone appreciates the dollars I dropped without having to. 
       If they don’t, it doesn’t matter, because playing Santa raised my holiday spirits anyhow. The gifts I valued the most though, were the ones for my sister and my brother in law. I got my sister the Julia Child’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking: Volumes 1 & 2. My brother-in-law got Kanye West’s five CDs.  And while swiping my card at the register did burn a bit, it felt good to see them unwrapping gifts. Especially when my brother-in-law said he liked my magazine-giftwrapping 🙂  –BTW those gifts came out wrapped better than the ones all the way at the top. I have to say, I’m one of the world’s worst gift-wrappers. I’d just paper mache the gifts if I could.

         Sometimes, I just feel like people think you have to spend money on them to show you care. Like buying things is the only way to show someone you care. Sometimes, I feel like I should send my Godson more gifts, but in reality, that doesn’t make up for my not being around. This summer, while I was in Rhode Island, I got to spend time with him & realized what I was missing out on. So… No, I don’t regret not sending him gifts. I’d rather bust my ass to be at his birthday parties and whatever other important days come up. I don’t want to buy  anyone. No matter the age. Not to mention, I was glad to see that he liked the parachuting Toy Story toy soldiers which were, by far, the cheapest and coolest gift I got him.  (Score! lol.)

            & The holidays were simple. Saw my girls: My ride-or-die, my new lil’ son, & the bitch I can’t help but to bump heads with but she completes me. My immediate family is small –Just my mom & my sister (technically, but then we add in my brother-in-law). Most people do a whole big thing for holidays, and we used to, too. In the back of my mind, I feel like maybe we should get together more with my cousins and such… but family isn’t family anymore. My extended family is extended, and while I love them… they don’t really have an understanding of the way things changed 4 years ago. Sometimes, we just want to do something small. Eat dinner. Watch a movie. No noise. No dancing. It’s how we like our holidays.  Just us.  & I don’t regret it. I wouldn’t change it. Not that I don’t love the rest of my family, but sometimes, I want it to be just us. The way it always was. Truth be told, I miss my mom. & My sister is my best friend above all my friends. & I don’t respect or admire anyone more than I admire my brother-in-law… so the little bit of extra time I can get with them, I enjoy it. Thoroughly. 
       This Christmas, my family gave me my adulthood. My sister gave me her friendship. My mother gave me her trust. My brother-in-law gave me his respect. My Beotch gave me her (semi) forgiveness (we’ve still got talking to do).  My Godson gave me hugs. There is no monetary value in any of that. They were gifts that needed no wrapping. This year I realized what I really got. 
   The best gift I gave myself was autonomy over my heart –a gift that warrants its own post [Recovering Hypocrite].