Do she do it like me? Do she work that body?… Now I bet you, she don’t even know how to kiss. & I bet you, you ain’t never been [done] like this. –Lil’ Kim – “She Don’t Love You“
There’s one question every girl wants the answer to: What was his ex like? We just… want to know. Was she pretty? Was she smart? Was she tall? Was she short? Did she cook? Did she clean? We hold ourselves up against the last girl as a sort of “standard” because if you accepted her, that’s got to count for something. So we want to do the things she did right and preferably better. We look at her and say “So that’s the kid of girl you like?”
To be honest, I look at her skin color first. I mean, I don’t know how much it matters to him, but if his ex’s were dark-skinned, I know that he likes ’em like me. If she was light, I wonder if he has a preference, because many men do (Read, Oh, So You Don’t Like Black Girls). And if he does have a preference I probably can’t get with it. Or him. At least not seriously. I look at her hair. Her style. How did she dress? Was she fly? And if so, what kind of fly? Vogue fly? Or hood fly? (That’s what most of them are, anyways.) Or did she know her labels like I do? Can she be taken places? I compare myself without even knowing for one reason:
If I stack up with more (self-given) points than she has, I feel like I’ve got it in the bag. My confidence rises. I enjoy him more because I’ve convinced myself that he might like me more. And the most important comparison, in my eyes, is the physical. To those who wish for me to tell you that personality outweighs everything all the time, you may want to stop reading now. I’m not saying that personality doesn’t matter, but it’s that feeling that… Yes, I love you for who you are… but if you just looked like… *sigh* I mean… ok. It is wrong. It is shallow. But… the things I would do to Mehcad. Honestly… things so graphic, I had to click off (this page) because I’m at work. & I started thinking about this when I saw his new commercial for State Farm with Selita Banks where an (unfly) couple (lol) change each other into the physical counterparts they wish they had. They turn each other into some very attractive people. Selita then says, “Oh, so this is what you like?” “Yup,” responds Mehcad, with his gorgeous smile (and shirtless btw).
I think it matters to men: what the new girl looks like in comparison to the old chick. Because they kinda want to throw it in the old girls face. You know, the Deuces syndrome, “I got a new chick & she ain’t you.” A man will be jealous no matter what the new guy looks like. They can never give up that sense of ownership they have on you. & they get more jealous the happier you are. Honestly… they probably get more jealous the more $$ the new guy has. Just saying. Females, on the other hand, we also think in terms of “who’s prettier”. We compare ourselves hoping she’s not pretty. We then show our friends the pictures and they’ll agree (if they’re fake. If she’s pretty, I say so.) They pick out the new girls flaws –too skinny, too fat, bad this, bad that.
Me? I think long-term comparisons. For example, in 10 years ______’s ex will probably be exactly where she is. I wish her the best… maybe a promotion to manager somewhere. But I don’t know her. I could be wrong. For her sake, hopefully I am wrong. But it’s just my take. I do think in comparisons of intelligence and success, but I can’t help but to focus primarily on the physical. ________’s ex is also a very pretty girl. She’s probably prettier than me. I’m a big girl so I can admit that. But I’m not too many steps behind her, I’ll say that much.
When the physical fails you, you’ve got to make up for it in other areas. The reason she doesn’t bother me, is because, while I know I’m not the prettiest girl in the world, I also know the good things about myself (and like I mentioned, I certainly take into account long-term.) I’m a salaried, degree’d and child-free woman. She’s none of those. (She is also hood fly.) But I only say that to say, that if a woman like her, can get a man like _______ (even though _____ isn’t the man I totally want, I just want a version of him for me), that I should have no problem finding mine. That simply gives me confidence. You have to find the things about yourself that make your numbers go up and capitalize on those. I cook. I clean. I joke. I read I write. I laugh. I love.
Now imagine all of that combined with “pretty.” Better yet, beautiful. I mean, I know that I’m not sexy. I’m not a sexy girl. If I am, it’s always on accident. I’ve tried to do those sexy kiss faces int he mirror but in all honesty.. I look stupid. And I can’t take bent-over pictures and put them up as my profile pic because A. I have a job and B. I look stupid. If you girls out there can pull it off, congrats to you. I just can’t. I’m a… look-prettier-when-I-smile kinda girl. Whatever mode you need to make you look best, go for it. Me? I do things I never used to do… I do my make-up. I do my hair. My college years were very roll-n-go. I enjoyed it thoroughly. But… (I don’t know how to say this and not be weird) I want to be… prettier now. Mostly because of how I felt for my ex. No matter how much I loved him, I wanted him to be…. hotter. And I don’t want me next guy to feel that way about me. I want to be prettier. I want to stand toe-to-toe with the best of them (regular girls, I am no model) and be in the top something. I want my guy to be… turned on (?) by me. To be attracted to me. I want him to struggle to keep his hands off me. For his friends to agree that, “You’re girl is kinda bad.” I want him to be proud. To… link me on his Facebook (lol). I want his ex to click on my profile picture and be depressed that her boyfriend found this pretty girl. And then when she stalks my info, she’ll see that I’m salaried, degree’d and child-free (that was also a tentative title for this post… maybe I’ll use in somewhere else lol).
IDK what I mean to say with this post other than… the physical matters as much as the inside does. And sometimes more. I mean, either I want a guy like _____ or like Kanye West. Kanye west described the woman he’d marry in this article, but I couldn’t help but to think…. would Kanye marry an ugly chick? A girl who doesn’t know her labels? HELL NO. No, it’s not ideal. And no, it’s not right. But… ladies, we’ve got to take the time to take care of ourselves and be presentable, because other girls out there are. You can argue that social norms are wrong all day long, doesn’t mean they’re going to change. My favorite eras in fashion are the 50’s and the 80’s. In the 50’s, women took care of themselves. This is when they all carried purses, curled their hair and never left the house without lipstick. The 80s was a time of rebellion and self -expression. I mean, in my opinion both your closet and real life need a balance of both. I’m not saying that looks is all that ever matters, but to dismiss it completely is to blatantly lie to yourself. I mean… depending on the type of guy you want.
Me? Obviously I’m delusional and now think that Kanye should marry me 🙂 I mean… pshh duuhh. (or Rihanna… I think that could happen, honestly. I wouldn’t mind it. It’d be kind of a big deal. Epic, even.)