Because your love, your love, your love is my drug. – Ke$ha – “Your Love is my Drug“
I stalked__________. Not like literally… but you know… Facebook. The usual. For a while I didn’t. Mostly because I was too busy fawning over “Him” that I didn’t need to think about anything else. But after I say “Boy Bye: No More Him & I“, there was no one else left to entertain me. And now, as my phone lies silent beside me… the feeling I described in my “Scared of Lonely“post has come back to haunt me once again.
Although I shouldn’t have… I re-added him to my AIM buddylist. That was my first mistake… I mean, I don’t even really be on AIM for any other reason than to allow him a method to contact me. Then I looked for him on Facebook –error #2. I didn’t friend him. I would never. But did browse his pictures… lingering on some. Admiring most. Drooling over all.
On this particular day though, I didn’t search for him. There I was, minding my own business when his last name came up on my mini feed, showing my friend’s newest friends. I knew it wasn’t his page because I know what his profile picture looks like. Initially, I clicked on the icon because I immediately thought, Does this mutha… have two pages?!? But no, I had stumbled across his brother’s page. I had seen his brother before and noticed him simply off the fact that they look a lot a like. But still _______ is that much cuter. Doing my own investigation, I browsed the pictures and the family connections trying to piece together stories never told to me. I think that part of this investigative work is purely to try to get to know the person. You want to know who they know and what those people are saying about them. One thing I like about _________ is he gets praised by all around him. & there he was in his brother’s Facebook status shoutout. smh.
This is how the conversation played out in my head. (& yes, I answer back to myself. It’d be rude not to.)
Should I friend him?
But we don’t really know eachother.
But we have 25 friends in common on Facebook.
But of my 3,666 friends on there… I know like.. 10.
I add strangers everyday (for my blog’s sake) so maybe I could just add the brother and pretend it’s just me being typically random…
nahh… Cuz what if he tries to talk to me, thinking I added him for a reason? Then what do I do?
I’ll remove friend!
Whatever, if anyone asks tho, he’ll say that you added him. You know how that looks.
But maybe I can tell him that I can’t talk to him because I like ________.
And what exactly would you say?
idk… some… meaningful?
He’s going to think you’re like every other girl who wants his brother.
I’ll say what I really like then.. like how sweet he is and how….
How what? What do you like about him?
And that’s where I got stuck. I need to know what I really like about ______ and why in the hell I’m so stuck on him. I listed out reasons in “The One That Got Away” but what am I going to do? Link the brother to my blog? Be like, “here read this?” and show him how I obsess over him? How stalker would that be? lol. So this is when the memories started re-playing in my mind. Not to say that we had years of experience for me to reminisce over… but I liked the couple of times I spent with ______.
The truth is, I was happy. The one thing I like about _______ is that he once told me that he could make me happy and he did. He kept his word. I went weeks without seeing him and I was still walking around lightheaded. I looked forward to his text messages every morning and every morning they made me smile. He kept his promise and that, to me, is amazing. And I was happy, not because he bought me things or took me places (the only thing he ever bought me was an ice cream cone & he fronted on our Friendly’s date) but I still liked him — and you all know how backwards that is for me. I could sit with him and be happy. I’m not sure if he felt the same way but, truly, I don’t care. I enjoyed his presence. When I was sitting next to him, I just wanted to be in his arms, and when I was in his arms I didn’t want to be anywhere else. I wanted time to freeze me there with him, in that moment.
They say love is like a drug. The once you experience that happiness, you keep chasing and chasing, trying anything that promises a little bit of anything in hopes to experience that feeling again. & Maybe that’s what’s going on here. Maybe I just want love. Anyone who shows even the slightest possibility of giving me a taste of happiness has an automatic in. I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing. On one hand, I’m no longer wasting my time with men who don’t care about me. If they don’t care, they get another “Boy, Bye” and are sent on their way. The bad thing is… the next time I’m taken along of the love trip… it might be fatal. How hard will I fall in? And how hard will I fall out? I’m telling you… if there were a chance with me & this guy, I’d take it. Just because I have (maybe misplaced) faith in that I could be happy (even for a little bit). And that’s what I yearn the most. I miss being in love. I miss thinking that the whole world fell into place just for me. That everything has finally come together. That someone loves me for no other reason than that I am… me. I felt that before… and I lost it. I don’t know if I’ll ever get it back. If it’ll ever be the same. If there’s anyone else out there who will love me.
I haven’t liked someone in so long that I don’t even know how to categorize this feeling. I don’t know what I’m feeling. (Don’t get ahead of yourselves.) I just don’t believe what I feel because I might be so emotionally damaged that my heart is working separately from my mind. Oh, to be a female, huh? I’d much rather think with a penis. Initially, this post was supposed to be called “Come as You Are,” because I like everything about _____. I like him exactly the way he is. But it may just be the addiction talking. Like the incredible way addicts can live in an abandoned building and care about nothing more than their next high. Maybe that’s the same way I ignore the things I don’t like about him. Like how I sent him a message on AIM last night & he never responded. Then I sent another today. While it always takes him long to respond, as it does me… I ended up frustrated and blocked him (again). But I’ll probably unblock him in a couple of months. Or the next time I go home for vacation and hope to see him around.
I want _______ because I just don’t know how not to. & I’m afraid I’ll never be happy again if I don’t have him. He’s my latest addiction.