Heyyy Ella, 

U gotta do a blog on y women take previous relationship failures out on the next man…lol…we can co-blog about dat shit…lol

The Next Man & Co-Blogger. 

To the Next Man,

    I hope you’re not saying that men don’t hold their past with them, too? I’m sure they do. A man who has been hurt is the hardest to love. Men are taught to keep their emotions bottled up inside, shielding them from experiences they haven’t even had. I guarantee there’s more guys out there who have “never been in love” than there are women. But I’ll play along with your game & give you what you’ve asked for:

       Reason 1: It’s always the same BS. When we break up with a man we fell for, it destroys us, and we have to build up again. Every single time. We allow men to be closed off and distant and nervous. Men are allowed to get cold feet before marriage, but a woman can not doubt even once? We hurt, too. But we hurt too often. The fact that men think we hold everything about our ex’s against the new guy is the number one reason why we don’t. We’re told we;re not supposed to. We give every guy a fair trial until we get tired. For the most part, men tend to do the same shit. All of you. Over and over and over and over and over. Even when we talk to our girlfriends, it seems you all “took the same class,” as Ashley would say. We can sit around a table and say “Yup, that sounds like how…” in response to anything another girl says. So I mean… we’re not exactly holding it against you. We just… learn. It’s like when you figure out the milk overflows when it boils but putting the burner on high and leaving the room every time. It’d be dumb to ignore the facts. Men are predictable. You’re really an unstudied science. 

     I mean… it is what it is. You really can’t expect anyone to go into anything without carrying over what they’ve experienced in their past. We excuse people for being afraid of bikes if they fell once when they were younger or for being afraid to swim after having almost drown once as a kid, but when it comes to love, we’re not allowed to guard our hearts. We’re not allowed to learn our lesson.  

       Reason #2: Every man is held up against the blueprint. And the blueprint is edited along the journey of our lives. Every guys has an effect on the layout and will be compared to it. Even if he’s not serious, he’s already in the competition for my heart –even if he’s not competing. In my mind, I’m already trying to figure out if he’s Prince Charming. Is he the one? Will this work? How can I make this work? What if it’s him? What if it’s not? The further along you go in the relationship, the more I mentally plan without the man noticing. I’m already thinking about the kids, their names, where we’ll live, how we’ll spend the holidays (his family or mine? and which one where?) 

       Yes, there are differences between men and women, but both sexes are capable of love. In turn, that mean’s we’re both capable of hurt. We can hurt & we can be hurt. In my post, 9 Responses to a Man’s BS (For the Fellas),  I said that “your feelings don’t get hurt as often as ours. When we decide to fall in love, we fall in love hard, too.” But society has programmed us to look for love. Even before marriage, the woman is the one who wears the ring and silently announces the world that she has been claimed. We’re taught to give ourselves over to men and to look forward to it. I mean, I myself am  “Generation Disney,” in which my only goal in life is to find my Prince Charming and live happily ever after somewhere far far away. 

     When we start talking to a new guy, he could be the one. We rate him. Scale him. Test him. Try him. And rank him. Guys who rank low simply don’t make it through. But when you move forward (especially to physical intimacy) you can take that as a sign that you’ve already passed a stage or two or 8 –that is of course unless there is a previous agreement, i.e. one night stand/hook-up. But when a woman lets you in, she’s already determined you’re a possibility. So when that ends, you’ve taken away her chance at a Prince Charming. 

       Reason 3: Women lie very well. We front like we’re holding things against you… but we’re really not. We all just want to get swept off our feet. But when things get rough, we will hit you with the “you remind me of” because pain always feels the same no matter who’s hurting you. If you treat us right… we’ll open right up. As soon as I get the “hey beautiful” and “I miss you” text messages, I’ll admit, I’m open like a can of pigs feet (I ❤ ATL the Movie!) especially if they’re from a guy I find attractive. Sometimes, we “hold it against you” only as an excuse not to move forward with you. I mentioned in my post, He’s Just a Friend, I tell guys I have “trust issues” when I don’t want to sleep with them. You might just be getting played. She might just not like you.

      Reason 4: it might be true. For example, I won’t sleep with _______ even if given the chance because I really like him. Like… really. But then again, I won’t sleep with anyone at all because if my heart and body get tangled up, I won’t be able to tell the difference. & I think that’s what happened When He Left Me. The physical had brought us together and confused me. Now, I’m honestly afraid to fall in love again with a man who’s just going to leave me. I don’t know if I can take that again –giving a man my everything only to be left alone in my bed crying for days, not wanting to get out of bed. I was physically ill when my heart broke. So yes, I hold my past against _______ because I have to look out for myself. But if he were to show me he deserved me, I’d open right back up… like I almost did. But then again, I’m glad I held it against him because he left too. So I saved myself. It worked

    It all depends on who you’re dealing with and what her truths are. It’s different for all of us, but this pretty much sums up the options.  Some women are just afraid to get hurt. Other’s have been hurt and know how that feels. We’re pretty unstable so… your pick.

So, Next Man, it’s your turn 😉