With so many flows, this one’s for this song. The next one I’ll switch up. This one will get bit up… I’m a writer for myself & others. – Jay-Z, “What More Can I Say?”
What if everything you said was expected to be prophetic? Sometimes I get tired of thinking. Not to complain to you all, I really do love this blog, But sometimes I wonder if anything I’m saying even matters. If people actually give a damn what I have to say. The thought circles in my mind until I realize that it really doesn’t give a fuck does it?
I’ve always been expected to be “smart”. By everyone. My family, my friends, men. I got my first B in the 7th grade. It was Ms. Wienburg(I forget how to spell her name)’s math class. And I cried. I’m not saying this to brag, rather to show you that that was all I had. All I had were my grades. It’s been the only thing I’ve been able to lean on as a telling detail of who I am. When I was younger, my friends and I would peruse neighboring cities, on the search for the hottest guys we hadn’t met. During the normal introductions, we’d each give our names. Then, they’d go on to ask which schools we each went to. They’d list theirs off and I wouldn’t say anything. I’m not sure if they ever noticed, but I’d never give my school name. Most people would just assume I went to school where they went to school. Sometimes though, they’d offer the information for me and say “She goes to Moses Brown. She’s the smart one.” I know for sure they don’t know it, but it always bothered me when they said that. I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing. I wasn’t sure if by saying that, they were calling themselves… not smart? It was something I struggled with. Was that my defining detail?
I mean, at 15, I would much rather have been the… “pretty one” you know? LOL.. something superficial. But… I hung out with gorgeous girls (in a neighborhood not so welcoming to dark-skinned sistas) so that was out of the question. I was either the smart one or the black girl. Those were the definitions I grew up with. I didn’t know myself beyond that. It was hardest for me because I wasn’t sure if guys liked that. I wasn’t sure if it was cool. But somehow I walked the fine line and still had friends despite all my desire to dumb myself down and “fit in” because it’s harder to be “smart” than people think it is. And so when I write this blog, there are times when I’d like for it to be beneficial. I’d love to talk about political standpoints, world happenings, the fight against injustice… things like that. But I’m not sure if you all would read it. So when people ask me what I blog about, I literally just say “Non-sense”. I figure you all will read if you want to. Hopefully you want to.
I don’t want to “dumb down” this blog. I want to give you all the credit you deserve. I write some pretty long blogs, so if you’e been reading thus far, you have the right to be entertain and informed. There will be posts where I talk about my daily life… mindless BS, but… I need to maintain my intellectual integrity… I mean, I literally paid a quarter million dollars for it. $400 this month actually cuz Sallie Mae is the epitome of a golddiggin’ stalker bitch. (Sorry, y’all. I hate her.) Those of you with loans know what I’m talking about.
Even men have told me time and time again that they like me because I got my “head on right”. But… Is it wrong for me to be wanted on a complete physical level? I’d honestly love for a man to be… extremely physically attracted to me. Because I’d feel like I’m his… type. Not so say I don’t want a brotha who appreciates the competency of my mind, but I’d like him to like the shape of my body equally. I want to be loved because I’m beautiful. Why can’t I be half-superficial? Is it really that wrong? The other day, when the Q&A status phase overtook Facebook, a received the following question: What are five (non superficial) things that I should know about you before we go on a date? Why the fuck can’t I be superficial? Cuz what I really wanted to say is “I like places with white table cloths, candles and a strict policy against Sutter Home wine.” Sometimes I feel like men are afraid of a woman who isn’t afraid of being superficial because he’s afraid he can’t keep up with her. I mean, if he could It’d be no issue. It’s also superficial that he only wants to take me out because of what I look like. He has no idea about my personal values.
So… to clear my mind & not think so hard about thinking hard, I wrote “Rihanna – Loud (& Clear, Darling)“. It’s a review of her latest album… check it out. (The blog & the album.) Sometimes I can just put out blog after blog… sometimes it takes me while to get into the writing. You’ll notice. This is one of those posts.
Don’t get me wrong, I like being intelligent. I love the capability of my mind to grasp concepts and express them in scribe (for the most part.) But sometimes I just want to be mindless. That’s when I download albums or watch Hey Arnold! so I don’t have to do any thinking on my part. This guy at T-Mobile tried to hit on me a while ago when I bought my phone. He was trying to make small talk and asked me what I was doing in Jersey. Long story short he found out I had a degree & a job. He wanted to be “friends” with me because “too many girls just like to talk about clothes and partying”… ummmmm, I talk about that, too! People like to pretend like all they do it have philosophical conversations. Like the rapper I met the other day who claimed he writes kids books and studies philosophy. I wanted to LOL in his face so bad, but I contained myself. Y’all should have seen this man (blog coming soon.)
I might write a shit-load on these blogs, but in person I tend to have nothing to say. I met a girl the other day while I was getting a temp ATM card, we got to talking on the topic of how the more you know, the less you have to say. I don’t know what people (men especially) expect me to say. WTF do you want from me? If the conversation isn’t there, it isn’t there. I mean, I want someone I can talk to about anything. (hence this random ass blog). I want to be in the company of people who I can talk to about Louboutins, Aristotle, the 4 Lokos ban, & whatever they did this weekend. I hate being boxed into being one type of person with only one thing to talk about. I dated a guy once who would only talk to me about my “interests”. So we’d only talk about writing & Jay-Z.. but he knew nothing about either. #TurnOff. I’m a whole person. I’m interested in books and philosphical theory, recent events and the latest fashion trends.
Just let me be a whole person. I want to be a whole person.