Some people the call me crazy for falling in love with you. They can take me and lock me away, Baby. Cuz there’s nothing those bars can do. I’ll be the rising moon after the setting sun. Just to let you know you’ll have someone. I’ll be the clearest day when the rain is done so you’ll always know. Through the shake of an earthquake I will never fall. That’s how strong my love is.
Alicia Keys- That’s How Strong My Love Is.
I still think about him.
I can’t stop myself from comparing every guy I come across to him. When I think about the kind of guy I’m looking for, I’ve… honestly.. and literally just said, ” I want _______.” My friends will know who I’m talking about. Others will guess. Most will have no idea, and some might think I’m talking about them. But I’m pretty sure _______ doesn’t read this. I mean, we aren’t Facebook friends. We aren’t friends at all. I wouldn’t say that we’re enemies, but there is so much nothing between us. At least on my end.
He fit the mold. He was what I wanted. Even his imperfections were ones I thought were absolutely flawless. The funny thing about it all is… I barely knew him. & He barely knew me. But there was something about laying in his arms that was absolutely incredible. I shivered at his touch. I yearned for his kiss. Even the silence with him was perfect. But it must have all been one-sided. He probably doesn’t think of me. I was probably nothing to him. I replay the times we spent together and can’t help but to wince thinking about the should haves, would haves…. could haves… I just don’t know what happened. I don’t know where things went wrong… but I’m kind of glad they did.
I don’t think we would have lasted. If we went full force into what we might be meant to be, we’d have ended up crashing. I don’t think I’m what he’s looking for right now. But I know that I will be eventually. He’s the only man I’ve met in so long that actually deserved my respect. And as much as I might talk about taking men for their money… I wanted nothing from him. I’d have given him my every cent. There’s something about his heart.
I think he knows how to love.
And that’s what attracted me to him the most. I felt like if I were to give him my all, he would return it ten-fold. I’ve never met a man like that. I come across dozens of liars day-by-day whose only concern is to get me into bed. When I let _______ into my bed, he lay with me and needed nothing more… There was always that thought of, Will he stay around? that crowded my mind the entire time I was involved with him. And he did. For a while. But somehow there was… and is… a part of me that would give him everything. I’d….. love him? I know that sound bizarre, but until you come across a man who truly deserves love… you might not understand. A man like that makes you want to be a woman. A man who is respected by his friends, loved by his family, and confident in himself. A man who doesn’t need you. A man who is wanted by all. If a man like that chooses you, you do what you can. I’ve only really (honestly & openly) talked about him to one person, Katelynn. Because I knew she would just… listen. I needed to talk to someone who would listen. “Hold onto him,” she said. “I’m trying…” was all I could say.
And there’s nothing special I can tell you about him. I can’t tell you about the fancy things he wears of buys or what he has because… I never truly paid attention. I just wanted to be around him. I wanted to know how his day was going. We didn’t have too many in depth conversations but all I wanted was to know him. We didn’t have the chance nor the opportunity to move further. To build. To make up for petty arguments. To put the past aside. To give things a chance. We didn’t even talk about those things. We talked… but mostly, I was overwhelmed with his presence. And that rarely happens.
Because I felt like he was a good man, it made me a better woman. He might not be aware of it, but he changed me. I wanted to be the woman he wanted. That he needed. There are things you can notice about a man behind closed doors. Simply by their demeanor and more so the look in their eyes. He needed love (for more reasons than I can explain here). I knew he just needed someone to care about him. To make him feel like he was worth it. To be on someone’s mind. Truthfully, there was probably someone else on him mind the entire time he and I were involved, but I didn’t care. I knew he was hurting and all I wanted to do was make him…feel good. And not sexually as most women think we have to please men, but emotionally. Simply by being there. I wanted to be there for him. He rarely told me what was on his mind… but I wanted to know. I wanted to know what hurt him. What plagued him. What concerned him. I wanted to know the workings of his mind. I wanted to be the one he could talk to. I wanted to know what he was feeling. How he was doing. I never asked where he was or what he was doing… I didn’t want to know any of that. I care about him. Not whoever was chasing after him. And I think that’s what allowed us to last as long as we did, with the circumstances we encountered. I really just wanted to know he was doing alright… and that he had thought of me. I’ve never gotten a “Good Morning beautiful” text message that made me smile more than his. Everyday I wish he would send me just one more.
Maybe I got caught up. Maybe I’m making it out to be more than it actually was. I mean, it’s really possible… But I really hope not. I really hope not. Part of the reason I don’t involve myself with these men out here is because they’re broke… the other part is because I really only want ________. If he didn’t or doesn’t feel the same about me, that’s perfectly fine. I’m adult enough to know a lost cause and I won’t spend a lifetime (or even a second) chasing him. But I know that it would be amazing if we could pick this up 5 years from now. When he realizes there aren’t many real women out there. When he remembers me. When I’ll be in a place to show him I’m a woman and he’ll be able to show me that he’s a man. For now, we’re just kids. Text messaging and AIM conversations. There’s nothing much for us to do. I don’t even want to speak to him until we’re in a place to take it further.
Until then, I still play this pretend game and hold onto his pretend heart. Because if he ever does come calling, I’ll be ready. If he doesn’t, I’ll be perfectly fine. For now I’ll say I want _______, until one day when I find someone better. Until then, he’s The One That Got Away from my “The Four Men; A Religion of Love” post.