Heyyy Ella, 
so ive got a question i was hoping you could answer in one of your blogs… Why do relationships seem to become so bad the longer they go on? Granted they all dont turn that way…but im currently single…and my last relationship of 8 months turned really bad once she moved in with me..in my opinion she got lazy…so whats your take on boyfriend and girlfriend moving in together?
Concerned With Time. 

Dear Concerned,  

       People change. It’s a natural part of the human experience of growth. Like Lauryn Hill said in her Unplugged album, “Anything that ain’t changing is dead.” You have to expect people to change over time or else you’re deny them their basic right to live. 

       Still, change is mostly only apparent from the outside looking in. I can tell you how I’ve changed over the years: I talk different. I walk different. I even think different. While some people might consider that bad, I don’t see anything wrong with it because my change was positive. I speak with authority now. I walk with my head held high now.I’m capable of thinking beyond myself now, with reason. If you expect a person to stay the same in any given situation, you’re going to be disappointed. One thing I will say though is that no matter how much I change, I’m still the same person. We can change as much as we want, internally, we never change. 

    That’s why if you decide to move in with someone, you can both know them entirely and not know them at all –at the same exact time. You can spend as much time as you want with a person, but there are things you might get sick of. Simple things like, she doesn’t clean up after you like she used to. This could be because she “got lazy”, or she might have always been lazy.. you just never had a chance to see it. When a woman wants a man, we tend to clean up after them. We want to show them that we can take care of the house. That we do  know how to clean. But when you move in with a guys (or practically move in, as was my case) you get tired of cleaning up after him. Why do I have to clean? For some men, the woman turns into a live-in maid. We used to clean up after you because we liked you, not because we had to. It’s also a hassle to have to clean up after two people as opposed to just yourself. Cleaning up after yourself is even an issue if your moving from living with a parent –who always cleans up after you– to moving by yourself. Its even worse when you go from living at home with mom, to living with a significant other. I think this is even harder for guys who fail to notice that their sock are no longer bunch up in that corner. Somehow –magically and mysteriously –the sock have washed, dried, paired themselves and settled back into your drawers. It’s not magic, it’s mom

     How exactly did she get lazy? You know, women can be lazy, too. I’ve written time and time again about my Sunday “Me” days. IT’s about time men know that we can be just as lazy as they are, society just pressures us not to be. I literally lounge around all day on Sundays. I wash my hair, I do my nails & I read magazines. That’s it. I don’t want to do anything.  But the guys I’m dating don’t see this. All they see when they met me is a well put together girl who looks like she spends time making everything pretty — I do. I love pretty things, but I’m human. I need a rest. & I understand this applies to men, too. Actually, to men more than to women. We failed to understand that a man will be a man whether we’re there or not. When he was at home with his mom, he was probably sitting on the couch, with a bag of Doritos, playing whatever video game was hot at the moment. Then they move in with us and we expect them to be different. Nope. Welcome to someone else’s life. 

     Over time, two things happen: people get comfortable, and they grow. Once you get comfortable, you stop caring so much about the little things. This is why after a time, boyfriends stop taking you on dates. They don’t hold you as often. They don’t call you ‘beautiful’ like they used to. At the same rate, women stop paying attention to their men. We cook and clean less. We don’t care if what we say hurts their feelings. We stop trying to impress him. At this point, neither one of us is who we used to be, unless we truly are who we used to be… or we grow together. Growth can tear a relationship apart in an assortment of ways. If one person progresses, while the other doesn’t this can lead to a divide. Also, if you aren’ fulfilling each other like you used to… this changes things. I suppose this is why young couples rarely last: because your needs, interests and expectations change overtime –for yourself and for your partner. 

       Making a relationship last is hard. You have to truly love that person and be willing to compromise once you see the ugliest side of them. Sometimes people simply can’t deal with the ugly. You also need to be progressing and moving at the same rate which means that your life goals and expectations need to align. Think about it: How can you move forward with someone if you’re headed in opposite directions? & you might have thought she got lazy… but only god knows what she thought of you. I can talk all i want about my ex, but I’m sure he doesn’t have the prettiest memories of me. 

Then there’s the ultimate reason: Maybe it was never meant to be anyway. 

      Personally, I don’t plan on moving in with a man until after our engagement (approx. a year before marriage). There’s no point of pretending to be married with someone you don’t want (or plan to) marry. In my opinion, you being to build a pretend life. Then when you guys break up, you have to separate everything. The break up just turns into more of a process than it needs to be. Before marriage, I need to know exactly what is mine. I also need time to know that person. You have to like them as a person and as a roommate. Some people want to move in all for love and can’t deal with the roommate aspect. Like… he/she won’t do dishes. That’s how it is when you live with someone. Anyone No matter who it is. So if you’re not ready to deal with the roommate piece, you’re not ready to live with your significant other. (God, I appreciate college). 

    You have to gauge for yourself when the right time to move in with someone is. For a woman, that means are you ready to clean up after him all the time? And for a man… are you ready to put up with her all the time? (See, pretend marriage). If you couldn’t be married to that person, you shouldn’t move in with them. I’m not saying you need the ring, but you need the sentiment. There’s no more bringing people home after the club. There’s no more saying you were asleep by 11 and that’s why you didn’t pick up the phone. You have to make a real commitment. 

      It’ll take time to get to know who someone really is. Unless you wait long enough for that person to grow on their own… to be an adult in their own right. To know how to maturely handle arguments and chores. With time, you get to experience the entire person, from there you’ll know if you really like them. Sadly, that takes time. Honestly, people just aren’t as great as they seem to be. We have flaws beyond even the ones we notice of ourselves. Part-time & full-time relationships are two completely different beasts. 

     If life is a bitch, time is her son.  


Get it? Son? Of a bitch?
 I had to make sure my joke went through! I know they aren;t the greatest, but I at least want them to be understandable lol. & explaining jokes always remind me of BIG’s verse in Jay-Z’s “Booklyn’s Finest” 🙂