A couple years ago, one of my teachers gave me “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz (she gave me the best gifts I failed to recognize at the moment. Including the Miseducation CD & “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow is Enuf”.) She probably wouldn’t have anticipated a blog like this stemming from my reading that book… But… I’ve been thinking in lists lately… So here’s one. 
       As painfully single as I am at the moment, I have the tendency to run through my contacts to… see what’s up? I don’t end up calling anyone but as I scroll through the contacts, I’m assaulted with flashbacks and sudden emotions simply from the thought of a particular person. And it’s always the same people. Whether they’re in my contact list of not. I can’t stop thinking about these guys. & Since I like to get ahead of myself and speak for all the Ellas, I figured I’m probably not alone. Hopefully I’m right in my assumption (even though Ruiz’s 3rd agreement is “Don’t Make Assumptions”) & you’ll see you’re not alone either.  –& The Calvin Klein X ad up there is just nice to look at right?? 🙂
Theory: There are always four men in a (single/unmarried) girl’s life. While the exact man in the exact position might change these are the constant slots available in her heart and/or mind:

The one you want & don’t have, The One That Got Away.
       The guy you were never able to make it further with. If things could have just been a little different, maybe it could have been something great. The little bit of time you did share seemed promising. You might have never had anything completely serious with this guy, but the time you shared left you wanting more and hoping that one day, you can try it out again. This man owns the word “maybe”. Maybe one day you’ll have a chance. Maybe he’ll realize that you are actually the one for him. Maybe he’ll come back. Maybe he thinks of you, too. Then again… maybe he doesn’t.

       This guy is HOT. BAD. BAD bad. At least in your eyes he is. This is one guy to be cautious about because you might just be interested and so attached to him because he’s that hot. So even though you want this guy…he’s probably not the one either. (I’ll say it for you —dammit!)


Posts on this guy: “Tony”  and “Men Like Women Who Don’t Like Them.” and “Delete Contact? Absolutely”, “The One That Got Away.”

The one you have & don’t want.
      In the mean time &  in between time, this guy will do. He likes you more than you like him and you entertain his entertainment because, let’s face it, you have nothing better to do. He’s the best of the worst you’ve been coming across lately and he’ll just have to do. Dinner & dates with this guy are fun but deep inside you know that this isn’t going to go further than that it  might just end badly… for him. You don’t mean to string this guy along and, really, you aren’t. But if he wants to chase behind you and treat you nice, you don’t push him away. He says nice things. Calls you pretty names. Makes you feel wanted. But he has no idea that he has no chance of being the “one”. He talks future. He talks house, kids, rings. He talks all those things because he knows it’s what you want to hear… He just isn’t who you want to hear it from.

      This guy is typically… medium hot. He’s cute enough to be see in public with… but he’s not drool worthy. Decent.

If you’re with this guy, read “You Gotta Pay to Play,” or “Celibate in the City”

The one you loved.
      The guy you thought would be the one. You put your all into him. You thought it would be perfect. That nothing could break you apart. This is the strongest love you’ve ever felt and the hardest one to get over. This is the ending that hurts the most. The only ending that actually hurt you. Why is it that when you actually give your heart, it gets torn from your chest? You’ve never been hurt like this before. And you tried. You tried to make it work. Everything you didn’t like was masked by all the things that were beautiful about him. Here’s where it hurts… he left you, didn’t he? I know. It hurts. Because you loved him and would have never let him go. But the person who loves more would never let go. He did love you, but not like he should have. 
Should you go back to him? Read “When He Left Me,” for my real answer. 
ohh.. hot scale? Probably a little less than decent. Cute? Maybe. We’ll just say he wasn’t ugly. The fact that he was actually a good man raised his attractiveness at least 3 whole points.

Pshh… for this guy, you might want to read: “Why Don’t You Love Me?”

The one who loved you.
     The one who treated you like his everything. The one who, although he occasionally fucked up, you never doubted how much he love you. You never had to question his adoration for you. Whether or not he really loved you was never an argument. While this was no fairytale, and you’d probably never go back to this man, there is one thing you can’t deny he gave you:Love. He taught you how. He showed you what it means for a man to actually love you. This is why you can’t settle for less. You’ve been loved before. And new man should love you like this man loved you. But… you think about him. It makes you wonder if love is actually everything. I mean, he did love you. And if all you were looking for is love, then you’d go back to this guy. But let’s face it, there are other things that also matter in a relationship. You probably left him. 
        The scariest part about this guy is that… it is very possible that no one will love you more than he did. Because you meant more to him than he meant to you. This isn’t to say that you won’t be loved. But if you’re one of those girls who naively argues that “love matters the most” then, go back to this guy. I bet you won’t.  Maybe he’s not doing anything with himself. Maybe he’s made some bad decisions. But if love it all that matters… go back. If you can’t, don’t make excuses. This is where you need to start being honest with yourself. 
        Thing is, you shouldn’t go back to this guy… you left him for a reason. & if he takes you back, he’s the kind of guy you can walk all over. You don’t need a man like that. You need a man. 
Probably hot. Or hot enough. You stuck it out for so long for a reason. It hard to let go of someone who is attractive. 
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12 years later, Ruiz released “The Fifth Agreement”. I’m not gonna make y’all wait that long. Here it is:

——–The Fifth Man——
Your True Love.

      Unfortunately, we haven’t met this man yet. But he is everything. The man you can see when you close your eyes. The prototype. The blueprint the rest are held up and compared to. Men think they’re compared to men in the past, but in reality, you’re being compared to a fictional prince charming we’ve already drawn up in our minds. You fight yourself in wondering whether or not this man even exists and it’s really all a test of faith. It’s sort of a religion of love, only with faith will it come true. This image is torn apart by men like “The One You Loved” who come into your life and leave tread marks on the surface of your heart.  If you’re lucky enough, you’ve met this man and built a wonderful life with him… but for the rest of us, we’re still in search of heaven on Earth. 

If you’re searching, too, read: “Does Everyone Get a Soul Mate?”